(no subject)
so lately there's been a lot of stress in my life. i've never experienced stress before so this is 1) really weird and 2) really stressful. all humor aside, this is everything going on in my life that sucks:
1) the hair situation: things are resolving but at a very slow pace. mom and dad aren't mad but there's still this unspoken, unresolved issue with my dad as to my reasons for doing it. this makes for a very lame stay at home.
2) academics: my gpa last year was shitty and so my parents have basically given me an ultimatum. either i get around a 3.5 or above this next quarter or i come back home for good. this has been freaking me out for the latter half of this quarter. i'm stressing a lot over my grades, hopefully i can make the grade, for lack of a better phrase. but like i said i'm freaking out.
3) friends: thrown into this big bag of suck is my relationship with my friends. specifically, my lack of relationship with everyone who i don't live with or am in a band with. between studying a lot because i want to stay at scu and playing multiple shows every weekend with my band, i get almost no time to catch up with people who go to my school, let alone people who i've been wanting to visit e.g. cal poly, la, sd. it makes me sad that i can't remember the last time i saw some of these people.
4) my band: the reason we play multiple shows every week is because somehow this is supposed to help us make it someday. i'm so stressed with everything that i don't even know anymore. to be frank, i don't think we'll make it. my drummer is always pushing for us to play shows, play shows, play shows, but it's getting to the point where, yes performing is fun but we do it so often that i need some kind of monetary affirmation that i'm spending my time wisely. whenever we get paid it's only $100 for all four of us, and then we split it 5 ways so we can save some for the "band fund" and so i always just end up with $20 in my pocket. at this rate, i don't even know if devoting a weekend to recording a cd is worth it. i don't even know anymore. this band is cool, but with everything else going on, and mainly my academics, i've stopped having fun doing anything. i can't even play guitar anymore without stressing about stuff.
this all is making me freak out. i'm at the point where when i think about this stuff it makes me physically ill. i actually want to throw up after i think about the possibility that i might end up back here in sacramento. that scares me. a lot. and then there's dealing with my hair and my being a shitty friend. to be honest, i've never had to handle anything like this before and it's tearing me up inside. it might not seem like a lot but every day i wake up and i want to curl up into a ball and tell somebody to fix it all. i've never been this scared of anything in my life.
1) the hair situation: things are resolving but at a very slow pace. mom and dad aren't mad but there's still this unspoken, unresolved issue with my dad as to my reasons for doing it. this makes for a very lame stay at home.
2) academics: my gpa last year was shitty and so my parents have basically given me an ultimatum. either i get around a 3.5 or above this next quarter or i come back home for good. this has been freaking me out for the latter half of this quarter. i'm stressing a lot over my grades, hopefully i can make the grade, for lack of a better phrase. but like i said i'm freaking out.
3) friends: thrown into this big bag of suck is my relationship with my friends. specifically, my lack of relationship with everyone who i don't live with or am in a band with. between studying a lot because i want to stay at scu and playing multiple shows every weekend with my band, i get almost no time to catch up with people who go to my school, let alone people who i've been wanting to visit e.g. cal poly, la, sd. it makes me sad that i can't remember the last time i saw some of these people.
4) my band: the reason we play multiple shows every week is because somehow this is supposed to help us make it someday. i'm so stressed with everything that i don't even know anymore. to be frank, i don't think we'll make it. my drummer is always pushing for us to play shows, play shows, play shows, but it's getting to the point where, yes performing is fun but we do it so often that i need some kind of monetary affirmation that i'm spending my time wisely. whenever we get paid it's only $100 for all four of us, and then we split it 5 ways so we can save some for the "band fund" and so i always just end up with $20 in my pocket. at this rate, i don't even know if devoting a weekend to recording a cd is worth it. i don't even know anymore. this band is cool, but with everything else going on, and mainly my academics, i've stopped having fun doing anything. i can't even play guitar anymore without stressing about stuff.
this all is making me freak out. i'm at the point where when i think about this stuff it makes me physically ill. i actually want to throw up after i think about the possibility that i might end up back here in sacramento. that scares me. a lot. and then there's dealing with my hair and my being a shitty friend. to be honest, i've never had to handle anything like this before and it's tearing me up inside. it might not seem like a lot but every day i wake up and i want to curl up into a ball and tell somebody to fix it all. i've never been this scared of anything in my life.