Bitchiness & Apologies
If you’re a silly squeamish boy, read no further. I’m serious. If you can continue reading after seeing these words: tampon, pad, blood, period, cramps - then you pass the test. Otherwise, go read someone’s happy-go-lucky blog about how much they love their new shoes or something. No one will judge ;)
I’ve been acting like a bitch. Seriously. I know it’s terribly hard to believe I’m even capable of it, but sadly…it happens…you all know how much I hate drama, but I’ve been surrounding myself with it this week. Some of it has even been caused by me after I got really pissed at someone and started yelling at them. How unlike me is that??? While I was doing it, I was wondering why the hell I was letting it get to me so much and why I was acting so stupid…I usually just let things roll off my shoulders and am fine.
I’ve been having the worst mood swings and can go from biting someone’s head off to having the best time in the world to pondering what it’d be like to drop off the face of the planet and whether or not I’d really miss anyone then crying because I’d miss everyone so wretchedly. I’ve actually thought about just hitting someone with my car just to see what would happen. Damn jay-walkers.
I was really confused as to why I’ve been so irritable lately, and then these horrible cramps hit me last night as I was leaving Josh’s house. I’m not supposed to be on my period yet, but my body’s been acting really really weird lately. For instance, last week, I started bleeding profusely for about twenty minutes and just figured that my cycle was off or something and put on a pad. Nothing happened again. No more blood. It was really odd…but whatever. Then this week I’ve been all bi-polary - sliding from one extreme to the next. It’s exactly how I feel when I’m on the pill. Which is why I can’t take birth control. No woman in my family can. My mom took it for about three months last year and nearly kicked me out of the house for not doing the dishes then started crying and finally made me cookies.
When I took it, I thought I was going insane. I would tell my boyfriend that I hated him and then beg him to tell me that he loved me then just stare at him while he slept and wonder why the hell I was with him or forget that he was a human being and stare indifferently at him. I completely lost my libido…which is really the only reason to take the pill in the first place - why take it if you’re not having sex?
Finally, he begged me to stop taking the pill because he couldn’t take it anymore. The same thing had happened to his sister and her boyfriend. Nearly broke up their relationship.
Anyway, that’s how I’m feeling right now. Just like when I’m on the pill. And I’m hoping that’s all it is. Because bi-polar disorder runs rampant in one branch of my family and I’m desperately afraid they’ll diagnose me with it someday. It’s how I act a lot of the time...manic: creative, friendly, out-going, have a great time with tons of people. Depressive: don’t want to leave my room, hate everyone, cry at commercials, yell at people in hopes that they’ll yell back at me…weird shit.
I know it’s Friday, but I don’t think I want to go out with anyone tonight. I just need time to make sure I’m not insane. And I really don’t want to yell at anyone over something that shouldn’t really piss me off that badly. Sorry if I did that to you.
Especially Tom - I was being ridiculous. I was angry at the fact that you’re leaving and kept mentioning it all night and shouldn’t have gone off on you for being angry with me for something I thought was stupid. I realized while I walking home last night that it was just something I was doing because it’d be easier to hate you and not care about you leaving after knowing you for so damn long. See, now I’m crying again? Fuck being a girl. Fuck PMS. Fuck hormones. Fuck it all. I can’t even tell you how fast tears turned to anger. Wow. I’m gonna drive home now while it’s still analytical indifference.
Sorry this was so damn long! Kudos to you if you actually read the whole thing. I wrote it for myself.
I’ve been acting like a bitch. Seriously. I know it’s terribly hard to believe I’m even capable of it, but sadly…it happens…you all know how much I hate drama, but I’ve been surrounding myself with it this week. Some of it has even been caused by me after I got really pissed at someone and started yelling at them. How unlike me is that??? While I was doing it, I was wondering why the hell I was letting it get to me so much and why I was acting so stupid…I usually just let things roll off my shoulders and am fine.
I’ve been having the worst mood swings and can go from biting someone’s head off to having the best time in the world to pondering what it’d be like to drop off the face of the planet and whether or not I’d really miss anyone then crying because I’d miss everyone so wretchedly. I’ve actually thought about just hitting someone with my car just to see what would happen. Damn jay-walkers.
I was really confused as to why I’ve been so irritable lately, and then these horrible cramps hit me last night as I was leaving Josh’s house. I’m not supposed to be on my period yet, but my body’s been acting really really weird lately. For instance, last week, I started bleeding profusely for about twenty minutes and just figured that my cycle was off or something and put on a pad. Nothing happened again. No more blood. It was really odd…but whatever. Then this week I’ve been all bi-polary - sliding from one extreme to the next. It’s exactly how I feel when I’m on the pill. Which is why I can’t take birth control. No woman in my family can. My mom took it for about three months last year and nearly kicked me out of the house for not doing the dishes then started crying and finally made me cookies.
When I took it, I thought I was going insane. I would tell my boyfriend that I hated him and then beg him to tell me that he loved me then just stare at him while he slept and wonder why the hell I was with him or forget that he was a human being and stare indifferently at him. I completely lost my libido…which is really the only reason to take the pill in the first place - why take it if you’re not having sex?
Finally, he begged me to stop taking the pill because he couldn’t take it anymore. The same thing had happened to his sister and her boyfriend. Nearly broke up their relationship.
Anyway, that’s how I’m feeling right now. Just like when I’m on the pill. And I’m hoping that’s all it is. Because bi-polar disorder runs rampant in one branch of my family and I’m desperately afraid they’ll diagnose me with it someday. It’s how I act a lot of the time...manic: creative, friendly, out-going, have a great time with tons of people. Depressive: don’t want to leave my room, hate everyone, cry at commercials, yell at people in hopes that they’ll yell back at me…weird shit.
I know it’s Friday, but I don’t think I want to go out with anyone tonight. I just need time to make sure I’m not insane. And I really don’t want to yell at anyone over something that shouldn’t really piss me off that badly. Sorry if I did that to you.
Especially Tom - I was being ridiculous. I was angry at the fact that you’re leaving and kept mentioning it all night and shouldn’t have gone off on you for being angry with me for something I thought was stupid. I realized while I walking home last night that it was just something I was doing because it’d be easier to hate you and not care about you leaving after knowing you for so damn long. See, now I’m crying again? Fuck being a girl. Fuck PMS. Fuck hormones. Fuck it all. I can’t even tell you how fast tears turned to anger. Wow. I’m gonna drive home now while it’s still analytical indifference.
Sorry this was so damn long! Kudos to you if you actually read the whole thing. I wrote it for myself.