(no subject)
today was rough. it's been rough times lately. i've no idea what the future holds. i'm basically looking to secure some stability and opportunity in my future off of my wit and skill and perspective, from which i can move on to the next parts of my life and self-development. till then i feel stuck. it's shaky and i'm nervous and not in a good place. been oversleeping every day for at least two weeks. i just want next semester to be here. i feel like winter break is going to be a very depressing time for me, being stuck at home. though maybe it could be good, i could use some isolation, but being home is usually never very peaceful or happy for me. i'm happy for christmas because i should have some money and time to be able to get presents for people and spend time with people i love whom i've missed. also, i want cake right now because i keep seeing the livejournal birthday cake out of the corner of my eye. i think i'm doing a much better job than i have in the past of maintaining my mood and keeping my perspective on track through these tinted times. i'm not as afraid anymore as i used to be of being chronically depressed, on and off, for the rest of my life. i have faith that the stress of the conditions of my life right right now, and things from the past that i'm still working on but on which i am making headway, and the winter and its pressures in general, are the causes of this funk i've been in and will be in for a little while longer. it has been really difficult and a test of my will to endure some of the feelings i've been feeling fairly often lately. but i feel enheartened that i can remain strong through it and am still growing if even a little every day rather tnan being overwhelmed, thrown off course, and forced to sacrifice gains.
i worked out with doug and dan yesterday which was fun. we ate at berkshire, for some reason they had a dj and rave lights in one section, i guess to promote berkshire's late night dining which runs from 11 to 12. doug and dan and i ate chicken tenders and watched ufc fighters beat the complete shit out of each other on the tv behind us. i got dan and dan to come to the library to watch a black and white german film from the '70s called the american soldier. i think they liked it, though i don't know if it all sank in, it's a hard movie to absorb without some context, but it was nice to watch it again and talk ans think about it. i'd forgot how much i enjoyed watching weird movies in the library at odd hours of the night. i think i'll start that up again next semester.
tonight there was supposed to be a rave at my school's library, there was a group about on facebook and apparently a lot of people heard about it. but it ended up just being a gathered mob of disparate groups of people, maybe about 100-200, some with glowsticks, one of two in amusing costumes, and no music at all. nobody brought music. the crowd started chanting random shit like "GO, GO U, GO UMASS" and "WE NEED MUSIC! WE NEED MUSIC!" (after they were done singing SWEET CAROLINE BA BA BAAAAAAA), yet nobody thought to bring any music or instruments or organize the event at all (i didn't really plan on going, so i didn't think about it). i asked one of the several cops there if this was it and he grinned and shrugged, and he said "here's the big event." i said "go umass." it lasted roughly twenty minutes and was saddeningly symbolic.
i'm not sure if i could put into words why things like this bolster my faith in life, at least not right now.
also, billy joel kicks ass.
i worked out with doug and dan yesterday which was fun. we ate at berkshire, for some reason they had a dj and rave lights in one section, i guess to promote berkshire's late night dining which runs from 11 to 12. doug and dan and i ate chicken tenders and watched ufc fighters beat the complete shit out of each other on the tv behind us. i got dan and dan to come to the library to watch a black and white german film from the '70s called the american soldier. i think they liked it, though i don't know if it all sank in, it's a hard movie to absorb without some context, but it was nice to watch it again and talk ans think about it. i'd forgot how much i enjoyed watching weird movies in the library at odd hours of the night. i think i'll start that up again next semester.
tonight there was supposed to be a rave at my school's library, there was a group about on facebook and apparently a lot of people heard about it. but it ended up just being a gathered mob of disparate groups of people, maybe about 100-200, some with glowsticks, one of two in amusing costumes, and no music at all. nobody brought music. the crowd started chanting random shit like "GO, GO U, GO UMASS" and "WE NEED MUSIC! WE NEED MUSIC!" (after they were done singing SWEET CAROLINE BA BA BAAAAAAA), yet nobody thought to bring any music or instruments or organize the event at all (i didn't really plan on going, so i didn't think about it). i asked one of the several cops there if this was it and he grinned and shrugged, and he said "here's the big event." i said "go umass." it lasted roughly twenty minutes and was saddeningly symbolic.
Click to viewi'm not sure if i could put into words why things like this bolster my faith in life, at least not right now.
also, billy joel kicks ass.