cecille!
soooo as some of you know cecille has been in town.
-the weekend-
spent most of this time doing silly things and planning shit out with cecille. we finally decide that i'll drive to seattle on tuesday to pick her up. i find some other shit to take care of while i'm there to justify the drive, including picking up skis from mag's parents.
-tuesday-
so i drive to seattle. first stop is bellevue. i return some shit, get some other shit (including a new pair of diesel shoes from nordstrom's), leave. next i go to mag's parents'. it's really windy and rainy that day, so after parking next to the condo i start getting out of my car and a retarded huge gust of wind blows the door open so hard that it actually bends backwards and won't close correctly. neat. i get my skis and head over to cecille's sister's.
before heading home we stop at this restaurant we used to go to on broadway and order some dinner. consumed nothing but red bulls up to this point that day, compounded with the fact that i'm nervous seeing cecille for the first time in almost 2 years, i can barely eat my salad. i finish like half of it and we leave.
the drive home is kind of scary. the pass is a mess, but we're fine and everything goes smoothly enough. the one thing that sort of bothers me is when we start talking about ex's. she asks me about girls i've dated and i basically say "i dont want to talk about ex's and i dont want to hear about yours" and she's like "i dont understand how that can bother you after two years i mean get over it" and i'm like "man i wish". other than that, conversation is fine, we listen to music together, etc. i drop her off and head home, and drink with tygh, mag, and sarah. i get a text from her later that evening asking me if i want to go to brunch the next day and i'm like "yeah".
-wednesday-
we go to brunch at this little waffle place on 1st that we used to go to. everything goes fine. i drop her off at the library and head to my dentist appointment. after i get out of the appointment we look at books together at inklings for a bit, then i drop her off at cody's and head to my orthodontist appointment. we make plans to get drinks later.
my parents suggest going to this place called greystone for drinks. apparently it's a quiet atmosphere so we'll be able to talk and stuff, so we head there. it's a shitty place but, hey, we're in yakima so it was probably the best i could have found. halfway through cecille's drink she starts getting teary-eyed for no reason. i'm like "do you want to leave" and she's like "let me have a few more sips of my drink first". so she almost finishes it (i have to help) and by the time we leave she's tipsy and being kind of retarded.
we decide to go for a drive. conversation steers toward our relationship, and eventually we're talking about that time i cheated on her in high school, or that time when she told me she loved me for the first time and i didn't say it back. neat! she starts crying at this point. we continue talking about stupid shit for another 10 minutes or so before she brings up her most recent ex.
facts about recent ex:
1)she wants to marry him (we always disagreed about marriage; she was against marriage)
2)she wants his kids (we always disagreed about this as well; she was against having kids)
3)"if it makes you feel any better he rejected me"
so, yeah. this is probably the most difficult thing i've had to deal with in my life since we broke up. i basically feel worthless and inadequate; i'm not good enough to make her want to "settle down" with me, and moreover, this other guy is.
she's still crying through all of this. i do the whole nice guy thing and don't call her out on how oh my god i do not want to hear this shit. eventually we're like "ok we dont want to drive around anymore" so i invite her to the house so we can hang out with sarah and tygh and talk and she's like "no, i dont want to feel pressured to make out or have sex with you". so i take her home.
-thursday-
the day starts with this really disturbing dream: i'm driving on some random road and it's snowing really hard and i'm kind of by a cliff. there's a corner and i don't turn quickly enough so i start sliding off the road. my car almost slows down enough but not quite and i go off the side. i'm kind of falling and i'm like "well maybe if i buckle my seat belt i'll survive" so i try to buckle it while the car is flipping through the air but i'm getting jostled around too much and can't get the buckle in. this whole thing is sort of going in slow motion. finally i can see the ground straight ahead and i realize i won't have enough time to buckle it so i just kind of lay back and sigh and accept the fact that i'm about to die. the car hits the ground and everything goes black and i realize that i still exist and then my eyes open up and the dream is over; i'm awake.
i take my car in to get it fixed and luckily there's no serious damage and they dont even charge me even though it's not covered by the warranty. tight. after they're done, i call up cecille and we decide to get a pizza and watch the da vinci code. we watch it upstairs where there are no couches, so we lay out a bunch of blankets and pillows and shit. during this time she cuddles up next to me, flirts, asks me if i want to share her blanket with her, etc. after the movie is over we talk about what we're going to do next. she basically makes excuse after excuse until we come to the conclusion that she should probably head back to her uncle's house. we decide to go to a theater later on but we can't decide what movie to see; i want to see unaccompanied minors and she wants to see children of men.
after dinner with my family, i call cecille up to pick her up for the 9:30 showing of children of men. when i pick her up, she's half crying and i'm like "um whats wrong" and she's like "i was talking with my ex". then she asks me what it means when a guy says "i just dont love you".
we get to the movie and it's going fine and stuff but it's really intense and also i can't stop thinking about how she's totally in love with her ex and not with me, so it's hard to pay attention and all i'm really getting out of the whole experience is really depressing thoughts punctuated by explosions and loved ones being shot in the face. her phone rings in the middle of the movie and i'm like "neat that's probably her ex". with about a half hour to go she says "i have to go to the bathroom" and leaves, making sure to get her phone out of her coat pocket first. now i'm sitting in the theater thinking about how cecille is trying to somehow mend things with her ex and all i want to do is be back together with her and how fucking pathetic am i.
she comes back and i'm like crying at this point and i feel like such a fucking tool. i say it's just because the movie is really sad or something. we leave and she tells me "sorry i was gone for so long i had to talk to my godmother" which makes sense because we were supposed to stop at her godmother's before the movie but we didnt have time. we go stop by there on the way back. after that i take cecille home and as we're driving down the freeway i'm like "i don't know what's going to happen with you and me." i basically explain that i can't be friends with her and listen to hear talk about ex boyfriends because it's really painful. she says something to the effect of "i'm jealous of your relationships with alice/jenna" (they're basically as platonic as friendships can be) and i'm like "i don't want to have that kind of relationship with you" and she's like "well you dont want a romantic relationship because we live so far apart, and you don't want a friendship, so i guess that leaves nothing" and i'm like "sorry but yeah i need time to think about everything and figure out what i'm going to be ok with before i try and have any kind of -ship with you" and she's like holding back tears and stuff and then i drop her off and we hug and say goodbye. she sends me a text message that's like "i had a great time thanks for hanging out" and i send her one thats like "even though some of this sucks a lot im still really glad we got a chance to spend so much time together" and she sends me one that says "ditto" and that's it.
now i'm sitting here typing this whole thing and i'm really terrified of leaving town and not seeing her again but i'm glad i said what i did at the end and i have this feeling that even though things are shitty and this is going to be really hard for me to deal with i'm going to be ok. or something.
-the weekend-
spent most of this time doing silly things and planning shit out with cecille. we finally decide that i'll drive to seattle on tuesday to pick her up. i find some other shit to take care of while i'm there to justify the drive, including picking up skis from mag's parents.
-tuesday-
so i drive to seattle. first stop is bellevue. i return some shit, get some other shit (including a new pair of diesel shoes from nordstrom's), leave. next i go to mag's parents'. it's really windy and rainy that day, so after parking next to the condo i start getting out of my car and a retarded huge gust of wind blows the door open so hard that it actually bends backwards and won't close correctly. neat. i get my skis and head over to cecille's sister's.
before heading home we stop at this restaurant we used to go to on broadway and order some dinner. consumed nothing but red bulls up to this point that day, compounded with the fact that i'm nervous seeing cecille for the first time in almost 2 years, i can barely eat my salad. i finish like half of it and we leave.
the drive home is kind of scary. the pass is a mess, but we're fine and everything goes smoothly enough. the one thing that sort of bothers me is when we start talking about ex's. she asks me about girls i've dated and i basically say "i dont want to talk about ex's and i dont want to hear about yours" and she's like "i dont understand how that can bother you after two years i mean get over it" and i'm like "man i wish". other than that, conversation is fine, we listen to music together, etc. i drop her off and head home, and drink with tygh, mag, and sarah. i get a text from her later that evening asking me if i want to go to brunch the next day and i'm like "yeah".
-wednesday-
we go to brunch at this little waffle place on 1st that we used to go to. everything goes fine. i drop her off at the library and head to my dentist appointment. after i get out of the appointment we look at books together at inklings for a bit, then i drop her off at cody's and head to my orthodontist appointment. we make plans to get drinks later.
my parents suggest going to this place called greystone for drinks. apparently it's a quiet atmosphere so we'll be able to talk and stuff, so we head there. it's a shitty place but, hey, we're in yakima so it was probably the best i could have found. halfway through cecille's drink she starts getting teary-eyed for no reason. i'm like "do you want to leave" and she's like "let me have a few more sips of my drink first". so she almost finishes it (i have to help) and by the time we leave she's tipsy and being kind of retarded.
we decide to go for a drive. conversation steers toward our relationship, and eventually we're talking about that time i cheated on her in high school, or that time when she told me she loved me for the first time and i didn't say it back. neat! she starts crying at this point. we continue talking about stupid shit for another 10 minutes or so before she brings up her most recent ex.
facts about recent ex:
1)she wants to marry him (we always disagreed about marriage; she was against marriage)
2)she wants his kids (we always disagreed about this as well; she was against having kids)
3)"if it makes you feel any better he rejected me"
so, yeah. this is probably the most difficult thing i've had to deal with in my life since we broke up. i basically feel worthless and inadequate; i'm not good enough to make her want to "settle down" with me, and moreover, this other guy is.
she's still crying through all of this. i do the whole nice guy thing and don't call her out on how oh my god i do not want to hear this shit. eventually we're like "ok we dont want to drive around anymore" so i invite her to the house so we can hang out with sarah and tygh and talk and she's like "no, i dont want to feel pressured to make out or have sex with you". so i take her home.
-thursday-
the day starts with this really disturbing dream: i'm driving on some random road and it's snowing really hard and i'm kind of by a cliff. there's a corner and i don't turn quickly enough so i start sliding off the road. my car almost slows down enough but not quite and i go off the side. i'm kind of falling and i'm like "well maybe if i buckle my seat belt i'll survive" so i try to buckle it while the car is flipping through the air but i'm getting jostled around too much and can't get the buckle in. this whole thing is sort of going in slow motion. finally i can see the ground straight ahead and i realize i won't have enough time to buckle it so i just kind of lay back and sigh and accept the fact that i'm about to die. the car hits the ground and everything goes black and i realize that i still exist and then my eyes open up and the dream is over; i'm awake.
i take my car in to get it fixed and luckily there's no serious damage and they dont even charge me even though it's not covered by the warranty. tight. after they're done, i call up cecille and we decide to get a pizza and watch the da vinci code. we watch it upstairs where there are no couches, so we lay out a bunch of blankets and pillows and shit. during this time she cuddles up next to me, flirts, asks me if i want to share her blanket with her, etc. after the movie is over we talk about what we're going to do next. she basically makes excuse after excuse until we come to the conclusion that she should probably head back to her uncle's house. we decide to go to a theater later on but we can't decide what movie to see; i want to see unaccompanied minors and she wants to see children of men.
after dinner with my family, i call cecille up to pick her up for the 9:30 showing of children of men. when i pick her up, she's half crying and i'm like "um whats wrong" and she's like "i was talking with my ex". then she asks me what it means when a guy says "i just dont love you".
we get to the movie and it's going fine and stuff but it's really intense and also i can't stop thinking about how she's totally in love with her ex and not with me, so it's hard to pay attention and all i'm really getting out of the whole experience is really depressing thoughts punctuated by explosions and loved ones being shot in the face. her phone rings in the middle of the movie and i'm like "neat that's probably her ex". with about a half hour to go she says "i have to go to the bathroom" and leaves, making sure to get her phone out of her coat pocket first. now i'm sitting in the theater thinking about how cecille is trying to somehow mend things with her ex and all i want to do is be back together with her and how fucking pathetic am i.
she comes back and i'm like crying at this point and i feel like such a fucking tool. i say it's just because the movie is really sad or something. we leave and she tells me "sorry i was gone for so long i had to talk to my godmother" which makes sense because we were supposed to stop at her godmother's before the movie but we didnt have time. we go stop by there on the way back. after that i take cecille home and as we're driving down the freeway i'm like "i don't know what's going to happen with you and me." i basically explain that i can't be friends with her and listen to hear talk about ex boyfriends because it's really painful. she says something to the effect of "i'm jealous of your relationships with alice/jenna" (they're basically as platonic as friendships can be) and i'm like "i don't want to have that kind of relationship with you" and she's like "well you dont want a romantic relationship because we live so far apart, and you don't want a friendship, so i guess that leaves nothing" and i'm like "sorry but yeah i need time to think about everything and figure out what i'm going to be ok with before i try and have any kind of -ship with you" and she's like holding back tears and stuff and then i drop her off and we hug and say goodbye. she sends me a text message that's like "i had a great time thanks for hanging out" and i send her one thats like "even though some of this sucks a lot im still really glad we got a chance to spend so much time together" and she sends me one that says "ditto" and that's it.
now i'm sitting here typing this whole thing and i'm really terrified of leaving town and not seeing her again but i'm glad i said what i did at the end and i have this feeling that even though things are shitty and this is going to be really hard for me to deal with i'm going to be ok. or something.