Feltily Ever After, Epilogue
“Watson, do you know where my hat has gone?” Holmes asked as he overturned the seat cushions, impatient to begin his investigation on Price Street.
“Check beneath the table, it might have rolled under there after last night’s…” Watson cleared his throat, eyes darting down to a particular seam of Holmes’ trousers, “…festivities.”
Holmes smiled salaciously and ducked underneath the table to retrieve his fallen headwear. As he dusted it and checked the inside, he frowned. “Watson, do you happen to know why your bowler has been shoved inside my top hat?”
“No,” Watson answered, although a nagging suspicion had begun to enter into his mind.
“Or why they are both so liberally covered with lint?” Holmes asked, rubbing a bit of the stuff between his dexterous fingers.
Watson’s eye twitched. “Erm, no. I uh, haven’t the foggiest.”
Holmes’ frown deepened as he dug his hand still further into his top hat and suddenly produced his deerstalker. “Now this is very odd indeed, it seems my deerstalker has become wedged in here as well. I wonder…”
“Ah, a cab!” Watson exclaimed, practically babbling. “Lestrade must have arrived. We should hurry!”
Holmes nodded reluctantly and after a moment, set his hat back down upon the table. “I believe we should leave these behind. I think it would look more disreputable to have our hair covered in lint than if we went without our hats altogether. Come along, Watson.”
“In a moment, Holmes,” Watson said, waiting until his friend exited the sitting room before he rounded on his bowler. Holmes would think he was mad, but Watson was a writer and an ardent believer of souls, so he gave more credence to the thing than his logic-minded friend would.
“Now see here, bowler, that was a very irresponsible thing to do, being caught in the open like that. The next time you conduct affairs with Holmes’ hats, I expect the two of you,” his glare hardening, “or three of you to be at a proper distance from each other. What would strangers think coming into our sitting room to see our hats so indecently close together?” Watson shot the three hats one last look before leaving the room. “Please behave and for God’s sake, use the proper protection next time. I don’t want to have to keep cleaning you.”
When Watson finally departed the room, the three hats obediently scooted a little ways away from each other.
‘Did JH’s Owner just lecture us on safe sex?’ the deerstalker asked incredulously.
‘To be fair, it would seem fairly obvious to some, especially those sympathetic to our Owners’ dispositions, about what was occurring and to be fair, we were rather rough last night,’ the top hat pointed out sagely.
‘I don’t know what my Owner is getting so upset about,’ the bowler grumbled, ‘I learned how to do all that from him.'