...cause I want you and I feel you
Oy. I've pretty much messed up big time this time. I don't know what else to do anymore. It's not that I don't like him, it's just that I don't love him. And love's a big word. And I can honestly tell you right now, that I, being seventeen years old and quite dumb, am in love with someone who I know can never feel it back. And it sucks so much. It's like I want to just walk up to him and be like this is me, who you've been looking for, no matter what, i'll always always always wait for you. Because I want all of you, forever, all the time. And I can't do anything about this. And for once, in my life, I feel completely hopeless. I don't know why or how I feel so helpless, but I do. there's just this vibe that I get all the time when I'm around him. and I want to stop it, honestly, I do. but i can't because there is so much more than what we say to ourselves and there could be so much more if we just took that one chance that we need to take. because in 9 months, i'm leaving and i'm not going to be home every night.
i just wish so much that i could talk to my cousin because he knew how to get through everything. and you'd think that going back to talk to him would ya kno, make me feel better, but it doesn't at all. it makes me feel worse because there is something i can never do again and it's not my fault that it happened. but somehow i guess i feel bad. and i wish i could change things but with you being gone, it makes me that much stronger. i just wish i could have said goodbye. you know i keep having these nightmares where i'm there, and i watch it all happen, but i can't do anything because i just can't. and it scares me.
i chose my college. purdue. with stina. and i'm not going to lie, i'm scared to death to go. ive always been so spoiled and now, it'll be gone. i won't get what i want, when i want it. i'm learning to be independent and that scares me. it scares me really bad.
i got my best friend back. and i couldn't be more excited. after all the shit we went through, he's finally back. and i'm so glad for that. you don't know this but a lot of my mind depends on you, it's nuts, but it really does. and feeling like id lost you as my friend really scared me. because you tell me everything i need to hear, regardless if it's what i want or just what needs to be said. and i love that about you because you dont have the problem telling me i sound/look/are being a fucking idiot. so that's a good thing.
senior year is going by really fast. it's already almost thanksgiving. which means one thing. my BEST BEST BEST BEST BEST BEST BEST BESTTTTTT friend in the entire world is coming home, second mommy sister! and i can't wait any longer. it has been way too damn long and i miss her like woah. 700 miles is wayyyyy too far. she's so excited and so am i!! it's gonna be like one big sleepover all the time and i love that.
works going really well. candie and ronnie left today for africa, which is amazing for them but kind of shitty for us because we wont see them for like a month. that's nuts! but i love my job and all my coworkers. my buddies for life.
so i decided that i liked 3 shows on tv this seasons. grey's anatomy, the oc, and friday night lights. they're quickly turning into my unhealthy obsession. the oc. oh my god, best show ever, i dont care what anybody says. but grey's anatomy is a close second, it's definitley a doable show, not only because mcdreamy is definitley mchottiehothot and i would definitley mcget into his pants. and then friday night lights is just intriguing.
ok i'm pretty much done rambling. and im sorry that it was so long and im sorry journal that i have been abandoning you, how used do you feel? oh my god i'm talking to a journal. i need to go.
every feeling i've ever felt i can put into a song.
<3.
jess