Mountain Dew: My Anti-Drug
Yellow Number Five
A playlet (yes I just made that word up) written and butchered by:
Duchess Ara-Evans Caufield, The Empress of Fabulous, Esq.
LIGHTS UP.
(LYLE, TAD, and DEAN stand around a table covered in Mountain Dew cans, Doritos, and Pixie Sticks. They each hold a bloody steak knife.)
LYLE: Prince of Tides!
DEAN: Barbara Streisand!
TAD: Meet the Fockers!
LYLE: Owen Wilson!
DEAN: Blue Streak!
LYLE: That was Luke Wilson dude!
DEAN: Dude!
(TAD stabs DEAN.)
DEAN: Extreme!
LYLE: Woo!
TAD: Yeah baby!
(MARGE and JEZEBEL enter.)
MARGE: You guys wanna smoke some pot?
JEZEBEL: What are you doing?
DEAN: Playing Extreme Movie-Actor-Movie Game!
TAD: Woo! Extreme!
JEZEBEL: Why are you bleeding?
DEAN: That's how the game's played baby!
LYLE: We wouldn't expect you potheads to understand. It's too extreme!
TAD: Burn baby!
LYLE: Drug free for life baby! Stoners out!
THIRTY MINUTES LATER.
(MARGE and JEZEBEL enter. LYLE lies motionless on the floor. DEAN and TAD continue playing but are sluggish and upon the brink of death.)
DEAN: Res-res-Reservoir Dogs.
TAD: Harvey Keitel.
DEAN: Gunslinger's Revenge.
TAD: David……………….Bowie.
DEAN: The Man Who Fell to Earth.
TAD: David……..David……David Bowie's penis.
DEAN: Dude…..gay….I win….
(DEAN stabs TAD. TAD falls to the ground. DEAN grabs a Mountain Dew and chugs it.)
DEAN: Extreme! Woo!
(DEAN falls to the ground clutching his wounds a single tear falls from his right eye. He dies. MARGE and JEZEBEL stare for a brief moment.)
JEZEBEL: Dude, Doritos.
(The girls grab the bags of Doritos and leave.)
CURTAIN.