she watched as her life passed her by....
it's an embarassing thought really. what if? its the idea of promise, pleasure, or pain. it could be for the better or the worse.
i've always been one to take joy from the small things in life. a beautiful day. a rain storm. a day of girly movies and popcorn. a great conversation with a friend. seeing a crush at work. hugging a cute teddy bear. hearing a great joke. i say the fact that i take joy from the small things makes me young at heart. and therefore i'll live forever. i smile and i move on.
then i sleep. or at least i try to sleep and i wonder. and my mind doesn't stop. i get it from my mother. when i was very young i would not sleep at night because i would lay in bed thinking about death (when you're young there isn't much else the frightens you like that) and i would get sick to my stomach and all of my muscles would tense up and i'd just lay in bed trying to avoid thinking about it. i'd try to make my mind move to other things like a tv show or a book. i'd make myself so sick i'd wake up my mother who would comfort me and tell me that she does the same thing.
i haven't had a restless night like that since i was 13 years old.
then i try to sleep tonight. it's not a good night. it was an okay day. but the night has been better. i took my simple pleasures. i watched stuart play donkey conga. i drank a smirnoff ice. i had a great talk with heather. i had my cell phone cut back on. i got to play with lambert. i got to see brad in the country show (he's so very funny after all.) and i think of all of the wonderful things that i love so much and i try to sleep. and even though it's been nine years since i've felt them; familiar feeling surface. my muscles tense up my stomach begins turning itself into knots.
thoughts come to me that i don't want. i avoid. it is my biggest flaw. credit card debt. my things in carrollton. rent. gas. food. school. debt. debt. debt. car insurence. car payment.
and these things play in my mind over and over again. i consider the what ifs. i always come to the same one. what if i just died? the pain and the worry and the sickness would leave. it would all be gone. and it's comforting for a minute.
and once i'm comfortable with the thought of death and think about what i'd miss. i would never get to write a real play. i'd never get married. i'd never get to see new york. i'd never get a degree. i'd never get a second chance on anything. i'd never get to ask out that guy. he'd never get to ask me out. i'd never get to buy that outfit or those shoes. i'd never get to hear my dad play the guitar again. i'd never get to watch football on a saturday afternoon again.
and i realize that i take pleasure in the small day to day activities and it keeps me young from morning to night. but what keeps me young forever is the things that i'd miss if i died. the bigger things. the things you wait for. the things you dread. the things you avoid.
the knots in my stomach loosen and my muscles slowly relax. i smile and i think.
i prayed today. it was the first time in a long time. i didn't know who i was praying to. but i think whoever it was, they heard me. i think they have nights just like me.
i've always been one to take joy from the small things in life. a beautiful day. a rain storm. a day of girly movies and popcorn. a great conversation with a friend. seeing a crush at work. hugging a cute teddy bear. hearing a great joke. i say the fact that i take joy from the small things makes me young at heart. and therefore i'll live forever. i smile and i move on.
then i sleep. or at least i try to sleep and i wonder. and my mind doesn't stop. i get it from my mother. when i was very young i would not sleep at night because i would lay in bed thinking about death (when you're young there isn't much else the frightens you like that) and i would get sick to my stomach and all of my muscles would tense up and i'd just lay in bed trying to avoid thinking about it. i'd try to make my mind move to other things like a tv show or a book. i'd make myself so sick i'd wake up my mother who would comfort me and tell me that she does the same thing.
i haven't had a restless night like that since i was 13 years old.
then i try to sleep tonight. it's not a good night. it was an okay day. but the night has been better. i took my simple pleasures. i watched stuart play donkey conga. i drank a smirnoff ice. i had a great talk with heather. i had my cell phone cut back on. i got to play with lambert. i got to see brad in the country show (he's so very funny after all.) and i think of all of the wonderful things that i love so much and i try to sleep. and even though it's been nine years since i've felt them; familiar feeling surface. my muscles tense up my stomach begins turning itself into knots.
thoughts come to me that i don't want. i avoid. it is my biggest flaw. credit card debt. my things in carrollton. rent. gas. food. school. debt. debt. debt. car insurence. car payment.
and these things play in my mind over and over again. i consider the what ifs. i always come to the same one. what if i just died? the pain and the worry and the sickness would leave. it would all be gone. and it's comforting for a minute.
and once i'm comfortable with the thought of death and think about what i'd miss. i would never get to write a real play. i'd never get married. i'd never get to see new york. i'd never get a degree. i'd never get a second chance on anything. i'd never get to ask out that guy. he'd never get to ask me out. i'd never get to buy that outfit or those shoes. i'd never get to hear my dad play the guitar again. i'd never get to watch football on a saturday afternoon again.
and i realize that i take pleasure in the small day to day activities and it keeps me young from morning to night. but what keeps me young forever is the things that i'd miss if i died. the bigger things. the things you wait for. the things you dread. the things you avoid.
the knots in my stomach loosen and my muscles slowly relax. i smile and i think.
i prayed today. it was the first time in a long time. i didn't know who i was praying to. but i think whoever it was, they heard me. i think they have nights just like me.