well are you mine? (1/3)
❍ well are you mine?
❍ chanyeol/baekhyun
❍ 13.5k worth of unbeta'd word vomit
❍ nc-17
❍ warning: homophobia, homophobic slurs.
❍ without realising, baekhyun falls in love with chanyeol. and chanyeol does too.
a/n: i wrote this in april 2014 and was done with it around september but after that i didn't actually want to publish this.
i'll probably regret doing this in two weeks time lmao but nevertheless, enjoy!!・:*(〃・ｪ・〃人)*:・♡♡
What is love, really? How does one differentiate love with lust? How does one even recognise love? At the age of seven as he observes everyone around him, Baekhyun finally theorises love as feelings - greater than just a mere ‘like’ - between a man and a woman, like his parents and grandparents. However as he reached sixteen he wasn’t so sure anymore.
The thought had been clouding his mind more and more for the past two years, since he started dating his girlfriend. Jinah liked him all through freshman year, very obvious about it too and by the second year Baekhyun decided to give the girl a chance. She is kind-mannered, any parent would love to have her as their son's wife and a part of their family. She is pretty too, with luscious black hair past her shoulders and curves at the right places - but that's where the problem lies. To Baekhyun, his girlfriend is pretty, period. No fluttering feelings when he sees her across the dinner table, no skipped heart beats when she agrees to marry him. She agreed. Baekhyun is marrying her. The woman has tears at the edge of her twinkling eyes, too happy to even say anything else while the people around them clap and cheer, happy for both of them. Baekhyun feels guilty rather than elated looking at his girlfriend and the shiny expensive silver curled snug around her ring finger; and that feeling alone scares the shit out of him.
✧ ✧ ✧
Baekhyun works at his father’s restaurant as soon as he left college (although he had been working on and off part time even before that), it isn’t exactly his but his father feels that he is a bit too old to go manage paperwork and emails so he lets his youngest son manage the restaurant with his supervision. So technically, he is the manager.
The last two weeks of work is a different experience to Baekhyun. His employees say their congratulations, telling him how he is lucky to have Jinah because she is such a great girl. Baekhyun smiles politely and gives his thanks back as sincere as he could. Sure Jinah is a great girl, she is nice, but he isn’t sure if he is lucky like they all say. One day as a surprise an employee announce to the people in the restaurant that their beloved manager is getting married and everyone cheers and hollers teasingly to Baekhyun. He feels a heavy dread in his gut and guilt tides over. He doesn’t hate Jongdae for it though, Baekhyun is sure his friend and employee meant well so he laughs and bows politely to everyone before telling them that drinks are on him. It’s the least he could do anyway; he is lying to all these people, pretending that he is happy.
The young man comes home, finding that he has three voicemails from the same caller and another from his parents. His parents probably want to discuss wedding details with him. The other three calls are from Yixing. He has been ignoring his best friend for the past weeks, ever since the proposal really, and Yixing is having none of it. The Chinese keeps on calling and sending text messages to him every hour every day. Yixing stops by his apartment numerous times but his knocks and pleas are ignored. Baekhyun doesn't blame his best friend for pestering him. Who wouldn't after all of the sudden you hear your best friend proposing to a girl?
Your gay best friend.
He sighs as clicks on the most recent voicemail expecting an angry outburst from Yixing.
"Baekhyun-ah, please can we just talk?” Baekhyun is surprised hearing the desperation from Yixing’s tone, “I know you don't want to see me right now- and we don't have to. I just don't understand why you would do such a thing. Please. At least give me a call. Or a text. Please." The apartment lays silent after the voice ends, a different kind of silence, one which mirrors loneliness rather than solitude. He glances down to his ring finger and despite the fabulous shine under the lighting, to Baekhyun it looks dull. He hates looking at it. It’s like a token of everything he is not, everything he appears to be.
He should feel something, right? Right about now?
Baekhyun feels utterly pathetic as he sinks down to the sofa and cries.
✧ ✧ ✧
Baekhyun’s soon-to-be wife talks animatedly about the wedding photographer they (read: she) hired while they are on their way to said photographer’s studio. Park Chanyeol, is what Jinah says the photographer’s name is. He took wedding photos for a friend of Jinah’s - which his girlfriend instantly fell in love with. She showed Baekhyun some of them and he couldn’t deny that this Park Chanyeol is good at what he do. Most of them are monochrome photos, Jinah mentioned before that the photographer tends to take black and white photos. ‘They’re his specialty’ Jinah says while flipping through her camera roll to show more. Baekhyun doesn’t understand why Jinah wants black and white photos of her wedding, wouldn’t it look dull? However he follows the woman’s request without putting much more thought.
The studio is a dainty place, Baekhyun could tell even by looking at the exterior. It’s in between a bookshop and a laundry place and surprisingly, only a few minutes drive from his café. Although he less than often pass by the place as the studio is not in his usual work-to-home route. Monochrome, the sign reads in black cursive writing. ‘How appropriate’ he thinks as he steps out of his car. Jinah hooks her arm to Baekhyun’s as the woman excitedly leads them both inside the studio.
The place is bigger than what it looks from outside, perhaps due to the lack of furniture except for a white sofa and a small coffee table directly opposite the entrance door but other than that the studio is everything he expects from a photographer’s studio. On the wall are neatly hanged black and white pictures (few of naked women, as Baekhyun inspects closer). The place gives off a professional vibe, that the man knows what he is doing. Jinah calls out the photographer’s name twice before a tall man walks out of another door that Baekhyun didn’t even notice was there earlier.
Park Chanyeol isn’t what Baekhyun imagined at all. He imagined Park Chanyeol to be a thirty something year old with an unruly beard and an equally unruly hair. He imagined Park Chanyeol to walk out of that door wearing something like a dress shirt and trousers or at least a knitted vest - he is a wedding photographer among other else. Isn’t that a universal dress code for them? Baekhyun thinks as he is reminded back the grouchy old man hired as his cousin’s wedding photographer. Park Chanyeol is definitely different than the old man Baekhyun met two years ago. He eyes the man walking towards them, the man cracking a smile and Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile back. Black-rimmed glasses perched on top on Chanyeol’s nose which matched his black (slightly messy) hair. Chanyeol is wearing a washed blue denim jacket over a black sleeveless shirt. His skinny jeans hug a pair of long legs perfectly.
“Hey,” Chanyeol greets casually. He runs his fingers through the mess of his hair before hiding it under a dark blue snapback. He looks young, Baekhyun thinks.
Jinah nods her head politely and introduces herself, “we talked through the phone before this.”
Chanyeol’s face lit up a little, “Ah! Right,” the man looks at the both of them and is now looking at him funny, “you two must be the lucky couple. Congratulations!” The taller male extends his hand to Baekhyun and it took the other a few moments before shaking it. The uncomfortable stare Chanyeol gave him fades away as quick as Baekhyun sees it though, and Baekhyun quickly choose to ignore it.
“Sorry if you waited long, somehow people just love to get married on April,” Chanyeol jokes and Jinah laughs. Chanyeol urge the couple to sit while he disappears back to the room he was in, only to come out a few minutes later with pieces of paper and a fairly thick white-covered photo album. Chanyeol naturally takes his seat next to Baekhyun. He thinks Chanyeol looks better up close.
The photographer shows them both photos inside the album, consist of people’s wedding pictures. Baekhyun’s gut does an ugly flip as he looks pages and pages more of the black and white photos. This is for the best, he reminds himself, I am doing the right thing. Baekhyun hopes the more he mutters these words, the more his brain would believe him. A voice inside his head calls bullshit.
Jinah wants pre-wedding and wedding photos, she says she wants every moment leading up to their (read: her) special day to be captured. Chanyeol agrees, he flips a few pages of photos before showing them both a few pictures as samples. The man is talented, Baekhyun admits, somehow the black and white photos still shine through despite the dull and plain shades. “It doesn’t have to be black and white by the way, this is just my thing.” Chanyeol says sheepishly as he flips back to show them the coloured photos. Baekhyun thinks the monochrome ones look better. Very nostalgic.
“What do you think, honey?” Baekhyun looks at his girlfriend, surprised that Jinah is asking for his opinion. Throughout the whole process Jinah has been the only planning their wedding to the very last detail, seems to him she got everything figured out already. He didn’t expect she would ask for his opinion. Jinah looks back to Chanyeol, “Baekhyunnie here likes art too.”
Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun amused, “Ah. Really?” The older’s skin slowly feels warm, embarrassed by the sudden attention, and Baekhyun is sure that his cheeks are flushing red right now.
Jinah nods while her hand that curled around his own gripped tighter. “Uhuh. Painting.” Jinah answers. The taller male looks much more surprised than he was before.
“I don’t paint much now, actually.” Baekhyun stopped painting right around the time he started working full-time at his father’s café, painting takes too much of his time and although he would love to get back working on a canvas, he concludes that he has other more important priorities to take care of.
“Such a shame, really. Baekhyun is really good, too! One of the reasons why I fell in love with him two years ago.” Jinah pecks his reddening cheeks and Baekhyun smiles sheepishly. He always joined art shows back during college and to be very honest, he is known around campus because of his work. It’s not the reason why he paints though - the attention made him uncomfortable - painting is a way for him to express himself without actually expressing anything openly. Not to brag, but he is good at it (drawing and painting, the like) and he knows this so he holds and nurture onto that talent.
Chanyeol turns to him, “Why stop if you were good?” Baekhyun is sure Chanyeol meant no harm in his words but he couldn’t help feeling slightly offended. Perhaps it was the way Chanyeol said it, almost condescendingly. It’s not like he wants to stop painting. He just simply had to.
“Work,” Baekhyun replies simply with a non-committal shrug. Chanyeol looks at him like he couldn’t understand his reply although the man didn’t press on the matter any further and he appreciates Chanyeol for it.
Other than being unpredictable, Chanyeol also has an active imagination; something that often goes hand in hand with art lovers, himself included. But Chanyeol is different, he talks with his hands and eyes. He describes places by tracing invisible lines using his hands and his eyes sparkles with excitement which Baekhyun finds so endearing. They discuss pre-wedding photos and had a finalised idea in two hours. Chanyeol will take pictures of them while Baekhyun paints a portrait of Jinah - an idea he gets from Jinah’s short confession earlier on. His fiancé is excited, already has plans on going shopping to buy matching attires for the shoot.
“It doesn’t have to be grand. I think the simpler, the better.” Chanyeol advised when Jinah talks of buying a dress and a tux. “We could do it at my other studio, if you want. Much more spacious than this and not quite far.”
That day Baekhyun ends his day finding himself thinking about how enthusiastic Chanyeol is. The man is so genuinely in love with what he does - Baekhyun could tell by the glint in his eyes and the way he talks - something Baekhyun rarely witness lately and it’s like a breath of fresh air. And Baekhyun wants to breathe in more of it.
✧ ✧ ✧
On Sunday Baekhyun wakes up at nine in the morning, still sleepy and barely even conscious of his surroundings, his senses only to be jolt awake when he sees Yixing sitting on his living room couch watching TV. The news is on. “Shit-” Baekhyun jumps a little, “How the hell did you get in?!” Baekhyun shows an expression of panic and moments as he paces to the front door, heaving a relieved sigh when he sees that his front door is not damaged. So Yixing did not kick his front door open, thankfully. His best friend could be rough if he needs to. Two weeks’ worth of unanswered and ignored calls are good enough reasons for him to use force.
Yixing waves a key between his fingers, “Jinah gave it to me.” Baekhyun recognise the turtle keychain hanging, it’s his girlfriend’s spare key. Yixing throws the key to the coffee table in front of him.
Baekhyun heart stops. “You did what?!” He stands in front of Yixing, who seems unfazed by the angry tone.
His best friend could only roll his eyes. “Don’t worry. I didn’t say anything. Told her I accidentally left something here.” Yixing looks at him as if he is waiting for Baekhyun to say something, then stands up from his seat.
Figuring that Baekhyun isn’t going to talk after a few minutes of silence Yixing decides to start. “Are you seriously going through with this?” Baekhyun says nothing back. He practiced explaining to Yixing countless time inside his head, something along the lines of ‘It’s the right thing to do’ and ‘I do love her’ but all the words seem weak and less convincing now that he thinks about it. So he opts escaping to the kitchen. Baekhyun has always been good at avoiding confrontation. Yixing might be a little difficult though.
His best friend tails right behind him. “I guess I could understand you dating the girl but marrying her?” Baekhyun opens his mouth to say something but Yixing cuts him before he could, “Don’t you even dare say you love her because you and I both know that’s total bull. So spare me the rehearsed talk.”
Baekhyun turns his back, fetching warm water to pour his friend a morning tea. But really he just doesn’t want to see the look Yixing is giving him. A mix of pity, anger and sorrow. “She’s a nice girl,” he starts, “My mom likes her and my dad thinks she’s right for me.” Yixing scoffs, Baekhyun doesn’t have to look at him to know Yixing is probably rolling his eyes obnoxiously right now.
“Yeah but which ‘me’ are you referring to? The one who your parents think they know or the one who I for surely know is not into girls?”
Baekhyun hands the man opposite of him a mug of warm tea. Yixing likes his with sugar while Baekhyun prefers his plain black. He gives Yixing a pleading look, “Please just let me be Xing. I chose this. You think I spontaneously asked her to marry me? (Yixing mutters a ‘uh, kind of’) I thought about this through and through. The only reason I didn’t tell you was because I know you would react like this.”
“And I hold every right to be! You’re lying to yourself, Baekhyun. As your best friend, I’m not letting you be involved in things you’ll regret.” Baekhyun is quick to reply an “I won’t”. He isn’t sure if he means it but anything to keep Yixing quiet. His best friend doesn’t seem to believe him either but at that point the man realise nothing can change his mind. With a defeated sigh Yixing looks at his best friend dejectedly and the other averts his gaze to avoid being fully consumed by guilt.
✧ ✧ ✧
Baekhyun is fifteen minutes late to his pre-wedding photoshoot and he already got numerous calls from Jinah due to his unpunctuality. He sends a quick text, ‘sorry. distracted with work.’ which isn’t a total lie. He was distracted, but not entirely because of work. He had been standing in front of a mirror, now the idea of marrying someone finally, finally sinks in and he could almost hear Yixing’s patronising nagging inside his head. Fifteen minutes ago he had been pacing back and forth from the front door back to the living room. It’s not even the wedding day yet and he already gets cold feet, how pathetic he says to himself.
“So sorry I’m late!” Baekhyun immediately bows apologetically as soon as he enters the spacious room about four times the size of his office. His eyes somehow naturally falls at Chanyeol, who is standing beside Jinah busy with his camera. He looks different than the last time Baekhyun sees him, a lot more casual with worn-out converse, a sleeveless top and black skinny jeans. He got rid of the glasses, his large expressive eyes more apparent to Baekhyun now.
Jinah stands up from the chair she was sitting, the skirt of her white dress falls right under her knees. She looks so pretty like that, the white fabric complements her fair skin so nicely and she looks angel-like. Baekhyun almost, almost believe he could maybe fall in love with her. “Don’t apologise to me oppa. Apologise to Chanyeol here. He had been waiting for nearly an hour.” Beside her Chanyeol has a smile tugging his lips, if he is upset at Baekhyun for being late he sure is doing a good job at hiding it. Maybe Baekhyun could learn a few things from Chanyeol.
Chanyeol waves his hand dismissively, mumbling an ‘it’s okay I’ve had worst clients before’ with an airy, charming chuckle.
Only after then that Baekhyun notices the new set of stretched canvas propped on an easel just beside the window. In front of the easel is a lone chair where Jinah would be sitting at. His sight is suddenly blocked by a set of worn out and used paint brushes and he turns around to see Chanyeol holding out a few tools to him.
“You’re going to paint your soon-to-be wife today.”
Baekhyun wouldn’t exactly call it proper painting, to be fair it’s been years since he had paint and his skills are admittedly a bit rusty. He draws the basic of the portrait smoothly using a 2B pencil. While Jinah sits gracefully in front of him and the shine coming out through the window hits her softly and gracefully, giving her an ethereal aura. Out of his line of view he could hear the snaps and clicks of Chanyeol’s camera which is making him more and more self-conscious of his actions.
“It doesn’t have to be perfect Mr. Byun” Baekhyun turns and looks at Chanyeol - or rather, his lens - when he hears his name. For a split second a flash of bright light covers his sight, so quick Baekhyun couldn’t even process it quickly before he realised Chanyeol had taken his picture. “It’s all just for camera.” Compared to his girlfriend Baekhyun is not picture-ready. He doesn’t believe that he has that natural gift to look good in every picture, despite how many times he has been called good-looking. Cameras make him uncomfortable and self-conscious, like he is closely observed under a microscope.
Chanyeol talks to them even behind camera, perhaps because it was so agonizingly quiet and they’re not really giving him much poses to work on. “Baekhyun-ssi, can you look up to Jinah?” Baekhyun do what he is told - glancing his eyes up slowly and the woman smiles shyly when she is under his gaze.
“You two are perfect,” Chanyeol mutters behind the lens as he clicks his shutter. Baekhyun tries to not let his grin falter.
The photo session feels dragged out for Baekhyun but it might possibly only be him who thinks so because when they are done Jinah let out a huff saying that the session feels short. Perhaps times do fly faster when you’re having a good time. Jinah has to leave soon after though as she has to meet with a printing company to discuss dinner and wedding invitations. Baekhyun actually volunteers to accompany his girlfriend but Jinah declines. “You should help Chanyeol-ssi pack up. It’s the least you could do for being so late.” Chanyeol interferes, saying that it is okay and could do fine without Baekhyun’s help. However Baekhyun insists on helping since he doesn’t have anything important to do after. He did make quite a mess while painting (sort of) Jinah with scattered 2B pencils and brushes. It doesn’t take much for Chanyeol to give in since both Jinah and Baekhyun insist on helping.
Once the two men are alone the air in the large studio shifts, Baekhyun couldn’t deny there is tension but he ignores it. It could just be awkwardness between the two of them since they have only met and talked once. While Baekhyun crouch to pick up the painting utensils spread across the white floor he notices at the corner of his eyes, Chanyeol is looking at him. The photographer is trying to be subtle of it but it’s still noticeable.
“I would say you still have it,” Baekhyun hears Chanyeol speak up a few feet to his right after minutes of utter silence. He looks at the younger, confused as to what he means. Chanyeol chuckles, finding the confusion obvious across Baekhyun’s face adorable. “I mean your sketch of Jinah. It’s pretty good.”
Baekhyun glances at the sketch. He had only managed to draw the top half of Jinah’s body but the details are there. “Oh. Thanks.” Chanyeol breaks out to a beaming grin, so visually contagious that Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile back.
✧ ✧ ✧The week pass by so quickly for Baekhyun that one morning he wakes up realising it’s already Sunday and tomorrow he has to attend a dinner with Jinah, his parents and hers. Jinah’s parents like him, he is not quite close with them despite dating their daughter for over two years but whenever he visits they are never short of welcoming and kind. Her father is the exact opposite of his, very stern-looking and always has this scowl on his face which intimidates Baekhyun very much. This perhaps has something to do for the fact that Jinah’s father is a veteran soldier and is very old fashioned. Her mother is soft-spoken and more often quiet than not, only talks when she needs to, a whole contrast from the loud and cheerful Jinah. His parents only have met Jinah’s parents twice; once earlier last year for new years and again a few months ago when Jinah’s parents visited her in Seoul but they go along well enough.
Sunday is an off-day for Baekhyun, but he still likes to visit the café for a few hours just to check up that everything is running smoothly for the whole day. Rolling from his tummy to his back, Baekhyun squints when the morning sun hits his eyes harshly. His arms reach over his head and he sighs contently feeling his stiff arms stretch. A few moments after his phone rings a little louder than it should be in such a calm morning. The young man picks up the call after the fourth ring.
“Morning!” A voice chirps from the other line. Jinah.
Upon hearing the voice Baekhyun rolls, his face against the pillow and groans lowly. “Morning,” he mumbles back and doesn’t even try to hide his grouchiness from his disturbed peace.
He hears Jinah gasps, “Oh! I’m so sorry. I didn’t check the time and I should have known you’ll still be asleep!” Baekhyun could hear the girl pout and he kind of feels sorry for reacting that way to Jinah.
“It’s alright I was already awake anyway. What’s wrong? Is this about dinner next week?”
“No. Although I’m glad you’re looking forward to that. I just need a favor from you?” Baekhyun hears faint rustling of papers from the other line. “I promised Chanyeol - that photographer, remember? - I’ll pick up our photos from him today but I just realised I have to meet with my mom to pick up the dress and-“
“You want me to pick up the photos?”
Jinah let out a long exhale. “Yes. I know it’s the weekend but, please? If you can.”
Baekhyun stands up and walks over to his desk to check if he has any plans. He is pretty sure he has nothing but he can never really trust his memory. He checks. Sunday. April 13th. His planner is blank. “Yeah, I can. But are you sure? What if the ones I choose are horrible?”
His girlfriend laughs so cheerily that he couldn’t help but grin. “I trust you.” The grin soon falters and he could hear his heart cracks to a million pieces because Jinah trusts him so much but here he is. He couldn’t even do a simple thing as love her. Here he is blatantly lying about his feelings of her - for more than two years at that- even to go extensively as marrying her. Baekhyun feels absolute and utterly horrible.
“Yeah. Alright.” He replies, his voice weakened a few octaves lower after and he could tell Jinah senses the difference in his tone but before the girl could ask about it Baekhyun closes the call.
Confrontations. Baekhyun absolutely hates it. He isn’t sure what aspect of it that he hates about. Perhaps it’s the fact that most of the time either or both sides would end up getting their feelings hurt by the harsh confrontation. Yes, he admits confrontations can be all smooth-sailing with both sides taking things maturely but not in his case. No matter what he does someone will end up being hurt - himself included - and he rather not do it. He dug this hole himself and he has to man up and face the consequences. Perhaps it’s also because he is a fucking coward who can’t even accept his own self and fail to wrap his head around the fact that he might be, probably, possibly, highly likely - gay.
→
❍ chanyeol/baekhyun
❍ 13.5k worth of unbeta'd word vomit
❍ nc-17
❍ warning: homophobia, homophobic slurs.
❍ without realising, baekhyun falls in love with chanyeol. and chanyeol does too.
a/n: i wrote this in april 2014 and was done with it around september but after that i didn't actually want to publish this.
i'll probably regret doing this in two weeks time lmao but nevertheless, enjoy!!・:*(〃・ｪ・〃人)*:・♡♡
What is love, really? How does one differentiate love with lust? How does one even recognise love? At the age of seven as he observes everyone around him, Baekhyun finally theorises love as feelings - greater than just a mere ‘like’ - between a man and a woman, like his parents and grandparents. However as he reached sixteen he wasn’t so sure anymore.
The thought had been clouding his mind more and more for the past two years, since he started dating his girlfriend. Jinah liked him all through freshman year, very obvious about it too and by the second year Baekhyun decided to give the girl a chance. She is kind-mannered, any parent would love to have her as their son's wife and a part of their family. She is pretty too, with luscious black hair past her shoulders and curves at the right places - but that's where the problem lies. To Baekhyun, his girlfriend is pretty, period. No fluttering feelings when he sees her across the dinner table, no skipped heart beats when she agrees to marry him. She agreed. Baekhyun is marrying her. The woman has tears at the edge of her twinkling eyes, too happy to even say anything else while the people around them clap and cheer, happy for both of them. Baekhyun feels guilty rather than elated looking at his girlfriend and the shiny expensive silver curled snug around her ring finger; and that feeling alone scares the shit out of him.
✧ ✧ ✧
Baekhyun works at his father’s restaurant as soon as he left college (although he had been working on and off part time even before that), it isn’t exactly his but his father feels that he is a bit too old to go manage paperwork and emails so he lets his youngest son manage the restaurant with his supervision. So technically, he is the manager.
The last two weeks of work is a different experience to Baekhyun. His employees say their congratulations, telling him how he is lucky to have Jinah because she is such a great girl. Baekhyun smiles politely and gives his thanks back as sincere as he could. Sure Jinah is a great girl, she is nice, but he isn’t sure if he is lucky like they all say. One day as a surprise an employee announce to the people in the restaurant that their beloved manager is getting married and everyone cheers and hollers teasingly to Baekhyun. He feels a heavy dread in his gut and guilt tides over. He doesn’t hate Jongdae for it though, Baekhyun is sure his friend and employee meant well so he laughs and bows politely to everyone before telling them that drinks are on him. It’s the least he could do anyway; he is lying to all these people, pretending that he is happy.
The young man comes home, finding that he has three voicemails from the same caller and another from his parents. His parents probably want to discuss wedding details with him. The other three calls are from Yixing. He has been ignoring his best friend for the past weeks, ever since the proposal really, and Yixing is having none of it. The Chinese keeps on calling and sending text messages to him every hour every day. Yixing stops by his apartment numerous times but his knocks and pleas are ignored. Baekhyun doesn't blame his best friend for pestering him. Who wouldn't after all of the sudden you hear your best friend proposing to a girl?
Your gay best friend.
He sighs as clicks on the most recent voicemail expecting an angry outburst from Yixing.
"Baekhyun-ah, please can we just talk?” Baekhyun is surprised hearing the desperation from Yixing’s tone, “I know you don't want to see me right now- and we don't have to. I just don't understand why you would do such a thing. Please. At least give me a call. Or a text. Please." The apartment lays silent after the voice ends, a different kind of silence, one which mirrors loneliness rather than solitude. He glances down to his ring finger and despite the fabulous shine under the lighting, to Baekhyun it looks dull. He hates looking at it. It’s like a token of everything he is not, everything he appears to be.
He should feel something, right? Right about now?
Baekhyun feels utterly pathetic as he sinks down to the sofa and cries.
✧ ✧ ✧
Baekhyun’s soon-to-be wife talks animatedly about the wedding photographer they (read: she) hired while they are on their way to said photographer’s studio. Park Chanyeol, is what Jinah says the photographer’s name is. He took wedding photos for a friend of Jinah’s - which his girlfriend instantly fell in love with. She showed Baekhyun some of them and he couldn’t deny that this Park Chanyeol is good at what he do. Most of them are monochrome photos, Jinah mentioned before that the photographer tends to take black and white photos. ‘They’re his specialty’ Jinah says while flipping through her camera roll to show more. Baekhyun doesn’t understand why Jinah wants black and white photos of her wedding, wouldn’t it look dull? However he follows the woman’s request without putting much more thought.
The studio is a dainty place, Baekhyun could tell even by looking at the exterior. It’s in between a bookshop and a laundry place and surprisingly, only a few minutes drive from his café. Although he less than often pass by the place as the studio is not in his usual work-to-home route. Monochrome, the sign reads in black cursive writing. ‘How appropriate’ he thinks as he steps out of his car. Jinah hooks her arm to Baekhyun’s as the woman excitedly leads them both inside the studio.
The place is bigger than what it looks from outside, perhaps due to the lack of furniture except for a white sofa and a small coffee table directly opposite the entrance door but other than that the studio is everything he expects from a photographer’s studio. On the wall are neatly hanged black and white pictures (few of naked women, as Baekhyun inspects closer). The place gives off a professional vibe, that the man knows what he is doing. Jinah calls out the photographer’s name twice before a tall man walks out of another door that Baekhyun didn’t even notice was there earlier.
Park Chanyeol isn’t what Baekhyun imagined at all. He imagined Park Chanyeol to be a thirty something year old with an unruly beard and an equally unruly hair. He imagined Park Chanyeol to walk out of that door wearing something like a dress shirt and trousers or at least a knitted vest - he is a wedding photographer among other else. Isn’t that a universal dress code for them? Baekhyun thinks as he is reminded back the grouchy old man hired as his cousin’s wedding photographer. Park Chanyeol is definitely different than the old man Baekhyun met two years ago. He eyes the man walking towards them, the man cracking a smile and Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile back. Black-rimmed glasses perched on top on Chanyeol’s nose which matched his black (slightly messy) hair. Chanyeol is wearing a washed blue denim jacket over a black sleeveless shirt. His skinny jeans hug a pair of long legs perfectly.
“Hey,” Chanyeol greets casually. He runs his fingers through the mess of his hair before hiding it under a dark blue snapback. He looks young, Baekhyun thinks.
Jinah nods her head politely and introduces herself, “we talked through the phone before this.”
Chanyeol’s face lit up a little, “Ah! Right,” the man looks at the both of them and is now looking at him funny, “you two must be the lucky couple. Congratulations!” The taller male extends his hand to Baekhyun and it took the other a few moments before shaking it. The uncomfortable stare Chanyeol gave him fades away as quick as Baekhyun sees it though, and Baekhyun quickly choose to ignore it.
“Sorry if you waited long, somehow people just love to get married on April,” Chanyeol jokes and Jinah laughs. Chanyeol urge the couple to sit while he disappears back to the room he was in, only to come out a few minutes later with pieces of paper and a fairly thick white-covered photo album. Chanyeol naturally takes his seat next to Baekhyun. He thinks Chanyeol looks better up close.
The photographer shows them both photos inside the album, consist of people’s wedding pictures. Baekhyun’s gut does an ugly flip as he looks pages and pages more of the black and white photos. This is for the best, he reminds himself, I am doing the right thing. Baekhyun hopes the more he mutters these words, the more his brain would believe him. A voice inside his head calls bullshit.
Jinah wants pre-wedding and wedding photos, she says she wants every moment leading up to their (read: her) special day to be captured. Chanyeol agrees, he flips a few pages of photos before showing them both a few pictures as samples. The man is talented, Baekhyun admits, somehow the black and white photos still shine through despite the dull and plain shades. “It doesn’t have to be black and white by the way, this is just my thing.” Chanyeol says sheepishly as he flips back to show them the coloured photos. Baekhyun thinks the monochrome ones look better. Very nostalgic.
“What do you think, honey?” Baekhyun looks at his girlfriend, surprised that Jinah is asking for his opinion. Throughout the whole process Jinah has been the only planning their wedding to the very last detail, seems to him she got everything figured out already. He didn’t expect she would ask for his opinion. Jinah looks back to Chanyeol, “Baekhyunnie here likes art too.”
Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun amused, “Ah. Really?” The older’s skin slowly feels warm, embarrassed by the sudden attention, and Baekhyun is sure that his cheeks are flushing red right now.
Jinah nods while her hand that curled around his own gripped tighter. “Uhuh. Painting.” Jinah answers. The taller male looks much more surprised than he was before.
“I don’t paint much now, actually.” Baekhyun stopped painting right around the time he started working full-time at his father’s café, painting takes too much of his time and although he would love to get back working on a canvas, he concludes that he has other more important priorities to take care of.
“Such a shame, really. Baekhyun is really good, too! One of the reasons why I fell in love with him two years ago.” Jinah pecks his reddening cheeks and Baekhyun smiles sheepishly. He always joined art shows back during college and to be very honest, he is known around campus because of his work. It’s not the reason why he paints though - the attention made him uncomfortable - painting is a way for him to express himself without actually expressing anything openly. Not to brag, but he is good at it (drawing and painting, the like) and he knows this so he holds and nurture onto that talent.
Chanyeol turns to him, “Why stop if you were good?” Baekhyun is sure Chanyeol meant no harm in his words but he couldn’t help feeling slightly offended. Perhaps it was the way Chanyeol said it, almost condescendingly. It’s not like he wants to stop painting. He just simply had to.
“Work,” Baekhyun replies simply with a non-committal shrug. Chanyeol looks at him like he couldn’t understand his reply although the man didn’t press on the matter any further and he appreciates Chanyeol for it.
Other than being unpredictable, Chanyeol also has an active imagination; something that often goes hand in hand with art lovers, himself included. But Chanyeol is different, he talks with his hands and eyes. He describes places by tracing invisible lines using his hands and his eyes sparkles with excitement which Baekhyun finds so endearing. They discuss pre-wedding photos and had a finalised idea in two hours. Chanyeol will take pictures of them while Baekhyun paints a portrait of Jinah - an idea he gets from Jinah’s short confession earlier on. His fiancé is excited, already has plans on going shopping to buy matching attires for the shoot.
“It doesn’t have to be grand. I think the simpler, the better.” Chanyeol advised when Jinah talks of buying a dress and a tux. “We could do it at my other studio, if you want. Much more spacious than this and not quite far.”
That day Baekhyun ends his day finding himself thinking about how enthusiastic Chanyeol is. The man is so genuinely in love with what he does - Baekhyun could tell by the glint in his eyes and the way he talks - something Baekhyun rarely witness lately and it’s like a breath of fresh air. And Baekhyun wants to breathe in more of it.
✧ ✧ ✧
On Sunday Baekhyun wakes up at nine in the morning, still sleepy and barely even conscious of his surroundings, his senses only to be jolt awake when he sees Yixing sitting on his living room couch watching TV. The news is on. “Shit-” Baekhyun jumps a little, “How the hell did you get in?!” Baekhyun shows an expression of panic and moments as he paces to the front door, heaving a relieved sigh when he sees that his front door is not damaged. So Yixing did not kick his front door open, thankfully. His best friend could be rough if he needs to. Two weeks’ worth of unanswered and ignored calls are good enough reasons for him to use force.
Yixing waves a key between his fingers, “Jinah gave it to me.” Baekhyun recognise the turtle keychain hanging, it’s his girlfriend’s spare key. Yixing throws the key to the coffee table in front of him.
Baekhyun heart stops. “You did what?!” He stands in front of Yixing, who seems unfazed by the angry tone.
His best friend could only roll his eyes. “Don’t worry. I didn’t say anything. Told her I accidentally left something here.” Yixing looks at him as if he is waiting for Baekhyun to say something, then stands up from his seat.
Figuring that Baekhyun isn’t going to talk after a few minutes of silence Yixing decides to start. “Are you seriously going through with this?” Baekhyun says nothing back. He practiced explaining to Yixing countless time inside his head, something along the lines of ‘It’s the right thing to do’ and ‘I do love her’ but all the words seem weak and less convincing now that he thinks about it. So he opts escaping to the kitchen. Baekhyun has always been good at avoiding confrontation. Yixing might be a little difficult though.
His best friend tails right behind him. “I guess I could understand you dating the girl but marrying her?” Baekhyun opens his mouth to say something but Yixing cuts him before he could, “Don’t you even dare say you love her because you and I both know that’s total bull. So spare me the rehearsed talk.”
Baekhyun turns his back, fetching warm water to pour his friend a morning tea. But really he just doesn’t want to see the look Yixing is giving him. A mix of pity, anger and sorrow. “She’s a nice girl,” he starts, “My mom likes her and my dad thinks she’s right for me.” Yixing scoffs, Baekhyun doesn’t have to look at him to know Yixing is probably rolling his eyes obnoxiously right now.
“Yeah but which ‘me’ are you referring to? The one who your parents think they know or the one who I for surely know is not into girls?”
Baekhyun hands the man opposite of him a mug of warm tea. Yixing likes his with sugar while Baekhyun prefers his plain black. He gives Yixing a pleading look, “Please just let me be Xing. I chose this. You think I spontaneously asked her to marry me? (Yixing mutters a ‘uh, kind of’) I thought about this through and through. The only reason I didn’t tell you was because I know you would react like this.”
“And I hold every right to be! You’re lying to yourself, Baekhyun. As your best friend, I’m not letting you be involved in things you’ll regret.” Baekhyun is quick to reply an “I won’t”. He isn’t sure if he means it but anything to keep Yixing quiet. His best friend doesn’t seem to believe him either but at that point the man realise nothing can change his mind. With a defeated sigh Yixing looks at his best friend dejectedly and the other averts his gaze to avoid being fully consumed by guilt.
✧ ✧ ✧
Baekhyun is fifteen minutes late to his pre-wedding photoshoot and he already got numerous calls from Jinah due to his unpunctuality. He sends a quick text, ‘sorry. distracted with work.’ which isn’t a total lie. He was distracted, but not entirely because of work. He had been standing in front of a mirror, now the idea of marrying someone finally, finally sinks in and he could almost hear Yixing’s patronising nagging inside his head. Fifteen minutes ago he had been pacing back and forth from the front door back to the living room. It’s not even the wedding day yet and he already gets cold feet, how pathetic he says to himself.
“So sorry I’m late!” Baekhyun immediately bows apologetically as soon as he enters the spacious room about four times the size of his office. His eyes somehow naturally falls at Chanyeol, who is standing beside Jinah busy with his camera. He looks different than the last time Baekhyun sees him, a lot more casual with worn-out converse, a sleeveless top and black skinny jeans. He got rid of the glasses, his large expressive eyes more apparent to Baekhyun now.
Jinah stands up from the chair she was sitting, the skirt of her white dress falls right under her knees. She looks so pretty like that, the white fabric complements her fair skin so nicely and she looks angel-like. Baekhyun almost, almost believe he could maybe fall in love with her. “Don’t apologise to me oppa. Apologise to Chanyeol here. He had been waiting for nearly an hour.” Beside her Chanyeol has a smile tugging his lips, if he is upset at Baekhyun for being late he sure is doing a good job at hiding it. Maybe Baekhyun could learn a few things from Chanyeol.
Chanyeol waves his hand dismissively, mumbling an ‘it’s okay I’ve had worst clients before’ with an airy, charming chuckle.
Only after then that Baekhyun notices the new set of stretched canvas propped on an easel just beside the window. In front of the easel is a lone chair where Jinah would be sitting at. His sight is suddenly blocked by a set of worn out and used paint brushes and he turns around to see Chanyeol holding out a few tools to him.
“You’re going to paint your soon-to-be wife today.”
Baekhyun wouldn’t exactly call it proper painting, to be fair it’s been years since he had paint and his skills are admittedly a bit rusty. He draws the basic of the portrait smoothly using a 2B pencil. While Jinah sits gracefully in front of him and the shine coming out through the window hits her softly and gracefully, giving her an ethereal aura. Out of his line of view he could hear the snaps and clicks of Chanyeol’s camera which is making him more and more self-conscious of his actions.
“It doesn’t have to be perfect Mr. Byun” Baekhyun turns and looks at Chanyeol - or rather, his lens - when he hears his name. For a split second a flash of bright light covers his sight, so quick Baekhyun couldn’t even process it quickly before he realised Chanyeol had taken his picture. “It’s all just for camera.” Compared to his girlfriend Baekhyun is not picture-ready. He doesn’t believe that he has that natural gift to look good in every picture, despite how many times he has been called good-looking. Cameras make him uncomfortable and self-conscious, like he is closely observed under a microscope.
Chanyeol talks to them even behind camera, perhaps because it was so agonizingly quiet and they’re not really giving him much poses to work on. “Baekhyun-ssi, can you look up to Jinah?” Baekhyun do what he is told - glancing his eyes up slowly and the woman smiles shyly when she is under his gaze.
“You two are perfect,” Chanyeol mutters behind the lens as he clicks his shutter. Baekhyun tries to not let his grin falter.
The photo session feels dragged out for Baekhyun but it might possibly only be him who thinks so because when they are done Jinah let out a huff saying that the session feels short. Perhaps times do fly faster when you’re having a good time. Jinah has to leave soon after though as she has to meet with a printing company to discuss dinner and wedding invitations. Baekhyun actually volunteers to accompany his girlfriend but Jinah declines. “You should help Chanyeol-ssi pack up. It’s the least you could do for being so late.” Chanyeol interferes, saying that it is okay and could do fine without Baekhyun’s help. However Baekhyun insists on helping since he doesn’t have anything important to do after. He did make quite a mess while painting (sort of) Jinah with scattered 2B pencils and brushes. It doesn’t take much for Chanyeol to give in since both Jinah and Baekhyun insist on helping.
Once the two men are alone the air in the large studio shifts, Baekhyun couldn’t deny there is tension but he ignores it. It could just be awkwardness between the two of them since they have only met and talked once. While Baekhyun crouch to pick up the painting utensils spread across the white floor he notices at the corner of his eyes, Chanyeol is looking at him. The photographer is trying to be subtle of it but it’s still noticeable.
“I would say you still have it,” Baekhyun hears Chanyeol speak up a few feet to his right after minutes of utter silence. He looks at the younger, confused as to what he means. Chanyeol chuckles, finding the confusion obvious across Baekhyun’s face adorable. “I mean your sketch of Jinah. It’s pretty good.”
Baekhyun glances at the sketch. He had only managed to draw the top half of Jinah’s body but the details are there. “Oh. Thanks.” Chanyeol breaks out to a beaming grin, so visually contagious that Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile back.
✧ ✧ ✧The week pass by so quickly for Baekhyun that one morning he wakes up realising it’s already Sunday and tomorrow he has to attend a dinner with Jinah, his parents and hers. Jinah’s parents like him, he is not quite close with them despite dating their daughter for over two years but whenever he visits they are never short of welcoming and kind. Her father is the exact opposite of his, very stern-looking and always has this scowl on his face which intimidates Baekhyun very much. This perhaps has something to do for the fact that Jinah’s father is a veteran soldier and is very old fashioned. Her mother is soft-spoken and more often quiet than not, only talks when she needs to, a whole contrast from the loud and cheerful Jinah. His parents only have met Jinah’s parents twice; once earlier last year for new years and again a few months ago when Jinah’s parents visited her in Seoul but they go along well enough.
Sunday is an off-day for Baekhyun, but he still likes to visit the café for a few hours just to check up that everything is running smoothly for the whole day. Rolling from his tummy to his back, Baekhyun squints when the morning sun hits his eyes harshly. His arms reach over his head and he sighs contently feeling his stiff arms stretch. A few moments after his phone rings a little louder than it should be in such a calm morning. The young man picks up the call after the fourth ring.
“Morning!” A voice chirps from the other line. Jinah.
Upon hearing the voice Baekhyun rolls, his face against the pillow and groans lowly. “Morning,” he mumbles back and doesn’t even try to hide his grouchiness from his disturbed peace.
He hears Jinah gasps, “Oh! I’m so sorry. I didn’t check the time and I should have known you’ll still be asleep!” Baekhyun could hear the girl pout and he kind of feels sorry for reacting that way to Jinah.
“It’s alright I was already awake anyway. What’s wrong? Is this about dinner next week?”
“No. Although I’m glad you’re looking forward to that. I just need a favor from you?” Baekhyun hears faint rustling of papers from the other line. “I promised Chanyeol - that photographer, remember? - I’ll pick up our photos from him today but I just realised I have to meet with my mom to pick up the dress and-“
“You want me to pick up the photos?”
Jinah let out a long exhale. “Yes. I know it’s the weekend but, please? If you can.”
Baekhyun stands up and walks over to his desk to check if he has any plans. He is pretty sure he has nothing but he can never really trust his memory. He checks. Sunday. April 13th. His planner is blank. “Yeah, I can. But are you sure? What if the ones I choose are horrible?”
His girlfriend laughs so cheerily that he couldn’t help but grin. “I trust you.” The grin soon falters and he could hear his heart cracks to a million pieces because Jinah trusts him so much but here he is. He couldn’t even do a simple thing as love her. Here he is blatantly lying about his feelings of her - for more than two years at that- even to go extensively as marrying her. Baekhyun feels absolute and utterly horrible.
“Yeah. Alright.” He replies, his voice weakened a few octaves lower after and he could tell Jinah senses the difference in his tone but before the girl could ask about it Baekhyun closes the call.
Confrontations. Baekhyun absolutely hates it. He isn’t sure what aspect of it that he hates about. Perhaps it’s the fact that most of the time either or both sides would end up getting their feelings hurt by the harsh confrontation. Yes, he admits confrontations can be all smooth-sailing with both sides taking things maturely but not in his case. No matter what he does someone will end up being hurt - himself included - and he rather not do it. He dug this hole himself and he has to man up and face the consequences. Perhaps it’s also because he is a fucking coward who can’t even accept his own self and fail to wrap his head around the fact that he might be, probably, possibly, highly likely - gay.
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