(no subject)

[privatewormfoot]

I feel like fucking shit up. I feel like breaking something. or someone's face.

I am angry. So fucking angry.
I am not angry at death or at the thought of my grandfather dying.
I am angry at myself. I am fucking pissed off.
I have not seen him for about two years. Two years has passed since I even spoke to my grandpa. The father of my mother. Two fucking years. One of the only living relatives of my mother... I leave for two years without so much as a phone call to him.
I could have visited him.
But I didn't.
I could have called.
But I didn't.
I am angry that I made no effort. I am angry that I could be so horrible. I am angry that I didn't even tell him I was leaving Cincinnati. I am angry that I didn't spend more time with him when I knew he was sick.

I was not aware that I was capable of being such a selfish person.

I'm not only angry that I lost contact with my grandpa, but I am angry that I have lost contact with a lot of people from Cincinnati. My nephew is growing up so fast, and I'm missing out on it. It hurts when he doesn't remember who I am each time I visit.

I am done watching the world fly by around me while I am stuck in the same spot I was two years ago.
Fuck this.
Something has to change.