What do I do?

[prisonerof_fear]

Ohhh god, I am just like what the fuck do I do now? What am I going to do without him? It's been four months to the day since we broke up and I am still very much in love with him. I just want him back so badly. I was reading one of our old conversations we had on here. We were so happy. I fucked up so badly. Stupid Mich, I hate him now. I hate him for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. I just really really really want Spencer back more than anything else in the world. Kirsten told me that he probably still has feelings for me, he's just trying to act tough. But deep down inside he still misses me. I miss him so much. That gives me hope, my hopes are so high right now. I might just die if we don't get back together. I need him. He's my everything. When I think of the time we spent together it makes my heart fill with joy. Only for a moment and then it's cold again. I just wish I could have him back. It would be so much better if we were together. If only he could see that. What has he got to lose? His pride? Who is going to think anything less of him if he came back to me. Besides Bruce, but he's a bastard. I can't even look at another guy the way I look at him. I can't smile and mean it. I can't see myself with anyone else in the entire world. I wonder if I will always be this way. But then I just keep hoping that we'll get back together.

I went to my cousin's wedding. As it turns out my cousin Eldyka and her new husband Russ used to date in high school, I think it was like 1989. But they broke up and went separate ways. Russ got married and had a little girl. But it didn't work out and they divorced. Then one night a long time afterwards Russ had a dream about Eldyka and decided to contact her. They started dating again in 2000 and just got married. Special, isn't it?

So that makes me happy for my cousin. She seems so in love so that's good. I just wishhhhhhhhh I could have Spencer back.