(no subject)
Title: Prison Break: The Short Version (Part Two) -- Part One
Author: circus_sands
Characters: Everybody
Category: Humor
Rating: R (for obscene language)
Summary: This is a Prison Break parody done in script format. Basically, it's ridiculous. Covers the S1 return from the hiatus to the S1 finale, with more to come eventually.
Author's Notes: This is such crack, but I felt compelled to continue. Thanks to alazysod for beta-ing and for helping me with my comma issues. And for doing the last bit of coding as well. Lifesaver!
Int. VENT ROOM THING
T-Bag: SO WHERE WE LEFT OFF IS, I WAS PULLING MY KNIFE ON MICHAEL IN THE HOPES THAT MY EMPTY THREATS WILL MAGICALLY MAKE HIM ABLE TO BREAK SOLID STEEL. I THINK IT’S A GOOD PLAN.
Michael: I hate you so bad right now. We need to leave before I kill you.
Lincoln: MICHAEL?!
Michael: Sorry bro, better luck next time.
Int. RANDOM ROOM
Michael: I suck.
Lincoln: I know, but it’s okay. You tried. And hey, now you’re stuck here for five years.
Michael: I can’t believe I SCREWED UP.
Lincoln: Aren’t you sad that I’m going to die now?
Michael: IT WAS ALL SO PERFECTLY MAPPED OUT AND NOW I’M STUCK WITH THIS STUPID TATTOO AND I’M IN PRISON AND EVERYONE HATES ME AND I HATE MY LIFE.
Lincoln: So by the way, I’m dying tomorrow.
Michael: THIS IS SO STUPID, I MEAN, MY LIFE IS BASICALLY SHIT.
Lincoln: Haha omg if you don’t stop talking I’m going to LINCOLNSMASH your head into the wall!
Int. EXECUTION ROOM
Lincoln: Holy shit I’m gonna die.
Michael: It just occurred to me… Holy shit you’re gonna die.
Bellick: Get your stupid asses moving, I HAVE NO SYMPATHY. LOOK AT MY LACK OF SYMPATHY. OH I AM SO NOT SYMPATHETIC.
Michael: GOD I HATE MY LIFE.
Lincoln: SHUT UP MICHAEL.
Pope: THE EXECUTION IS CALLED OFF. The writers don’t want to kill Lincoln because then the show would be over. I MEAN, THE JUDGE FOUND DISCREPANCIES IN A REPORT. SO THIS WILL BE DELAYED FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS.
Michael: EXCELLENT.
Lincoln: You mean now I have to wait around for another two weeks? Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Oh but thank you, writers, for not cancelling my show!
Int. SICK WARD
Lincoln: So if I like, hallucinated, did I really… hallucinate?
Sara: Sure.
Lincoln: Because I totally thought I saw someone.
Sara: Can I be a nosy bitch and ask who?
Lincoln: No.
Sara: Fine. I like your brother more.
Int. PIPES
Guard: Hmm, I think I’ll stand here for a while.
Michael: WHY NO MY SKIN IS NOT BURNING OFF OW, OW, OW, I’M TOTALLY FINE.
Int. MICHAEL’S CELL
Sucre: Holy shit dude, are you okay?
Michael: No. Let’s have a dubious shot of you ripping the clothes off my back. From behind. With one hand on my shoulder and me making strange noises.
Sucre: Well, okay… [rips off Michael’s shirt]
Michael: AHHH SHIT FUCKING CUNT ASS MOTHERFUCKER-
Int. SICK WARD
Sara: He’s waking up.
Katie: OMG! [leaves]
Michael: Hi baby.
Sara: So you got a pretty intense burn there.
Michael: Oh you know, same old same. How’s tricks?
Sara: Okay, this is me in my super serious kind of bitchy mode, and YOU NEED TO TELL ME WHO DID THIS RIGHT NOW.
Michael: Sorry, baby, no can do.
Sara: I’m officially mad at you.
Michael: I’d probably care more if I wasn’t blinded by pain!! LOL
Int. MICHAEL’S CELL
Sucre: Okay papi, how many fingers am I holding up?
Michael: Twelve.
Sucre: Haha.
Michael: Uh, no, I’m being serious.
Sucre: Okay we’ll pretend that didn’t happen. Why are you taking your bandage off?
Michael: I need to check the tatts. Which are officially warped and there’s no way of figuring them out again. OH SHITTING FUCK.
Sucre: OH SHITTING FUCK.
Music: OH SHITTING FUCK.
Int. FLASHBACK EPISODE!!!!
Ext. STREET
Michael: Three years ago, I was a total dick! Look at my funny earmuffs though, aren’t they quaint.
Lincoln: I hate your stupid face. Give me my damn keys that I couldn’t find in the snow five feet away. I guess you’re just that much smarter than me. Way to rub it in.
Michael: Look, I didn’t tell you to wear a leather jacket and a wife beater in the middle of winter in Chicago okay. Now fuck off and die, SEE IF I CARE.
Lincoln: WHO WOULD THINK HOW DIFFERENT THINGS WERE THREE YEARS AGO! I MEAN WOW!
Int. MICHAEL’S APARTMENT
Veronica: I’m kind of flirting with Michael… And we’re kind of about to make out… and maybe have sex… Except Lincoln fucking INTERRUPTS US. DICKHEAD.
Lincoln: OMG Michael pick up your damn phone and stop trying to nail my ex-girlfriend, I’m having first timer nerves about killing the Vice President’s brother.
Michael: Oh who cares, the machine will get it. Guess the mood is kinda killed though.
Veronica: Haha yeah. Bye.
Lincoln: DAMMIT MICHAEL. I GUESS I’M DOING THIS AND LAUNCHING A NEW FOX TV SERIES.
Sucre: HEY LOOK I’M HERE TOO! HELLOOOO MARICRUZ, HEY YOU HOT BABY!!
Ext. IRAQ
C-Note: I’m in Iraq. It is very, very warm. The sweat is dripping. The music is Middle Eastern. The government is corrupt. White people are evil. AND SCENE.
Int. PRISON
Michael: I’m sooo disappointed in you Lincoln. Sooo disappointed. I mean, the Vice President’s brother, dude? SERIOUSLY?
Veronica: What about me?
Michael: Uh, who are you again?
Lincoln: MICHAEL I DIDN’T DO IT.
Michael: I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
Int. SUCRE’S SEXY BED OF SEX
Sucre: I love you, Maricruz snoogims honeybunchkins. CAN WE HAVE SEX AGAIN? I LOVE YOUR TUMMY SWEAT.
Maricruz: Oh baby, I love you.
Int. HOSPITAL
Sara: I’M A JUNKIE. YAY MORPHINE. BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING! LOOK AT MY STRINGY HAIR. OH, IT IS SO STRINGY. AND HOMG SOMEONE GOT RUN OVER AND I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING ANYWAY BUT I STILL FEEL GUILTY. LIFE-CHANGING MOMENT. I’M GOING TO THERAPY.
Int. THERAPY
Bellick: Hai Sara, why u so pretty?
Sara: Haha ohhh my God.
Int. RANDOM HOUSE
Susan: Okay kids, my special new friend is going to be here any second and he’s bringing some shitty fast food. How’s my hair?
T-Bag: HAYYY.
Music: OH MY GOD SHIT.
T-Bag: Look at my math skills! Well gosh darnit, I just love kids in a totally wholesome way! Golly.
Little Girl: Haha! I love Mommy’s new friend! He has a dorky sweater and he teaches me math tricks! He is so not a serial killer!
TV: In other news, THEODORE BAGWELL IS A SERIAL KILLER WHO MURDERS CHILDREN.
Susan: OH MY GOD SHIT.
Music: OH MY GOD SHIT.
Int. PRISON
Michael: I believe you, Lincoln.
Lincoln: Cool, wanna break me out?
Michael: Sounds like a plan.
Lincoln: OMG k.
Int. REAL TIME!!!!
Pope: Who burned you?
Michael: YO MOMMA.
Pope: Michael, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m Stacy Keach and I will kick your ass. WHO BURNED YOU?
Michael: Chuck Norris could take you ANY DAY.
Pope: Alright that’s it, SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.
Int. SOLITARY
Lincoln: Hey!!
Michael: Hey bro!!
Lincoln: What’s up!
Michael: Not much, I think my head’s about to explode because my plan is failing, but besides that I’m pretty sure I’m okay and I’m definitely not about to go crazy.
Lincoln: Well that’s good to hear.
Michael: By the way, I put my blood into this.
Lincoln: Um…
Michael: Haha no I don’t think you heard me, BLOOD! RED BLOOD! POURING DOWN! IF I PUNCH THE WALL, MY LIFE WILL BE BETTER! OW! STILL PUNCHING THE WALL, LINCOLN! IT’S ALLLLLL GOOD.
Lincoln: GUARDS! GUARDS!
Int. CELL
Sucre: You need to be a slut.
T-Bag: HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING TO ME!
Sucre: ...
T-Bag: But-but I don’t want to hit on the unattractive, fat, bald, transvestite!
Sucre: You also need to get his… her… underwear.
T-Bag: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.
Sucre: I hear thongs are in season.
Int. KELLERMAN’S HOUSE
Kellerman: I live here. I have an unorthodox obsession with beef jerky.
LJ: Yeah man, you really kind of do.
Kellerman: HOLY SHIT, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?
LJ: I’m here to kill you.
Kellerman: But I can’t die, I’m Paul Adelstein.
LJ: TOUGH SHIT POTATO HEAD.
Police: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER? THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU’RE GOING AWAY FOR A LOONG TIME.
Int. CELL
Sucre: Guys I sealed the hole up, we’re good. I think Bellick thinks I’m seeing a really fat chick though, I’m not sure that’s okay. Oh by the way, he sniffed the underwear.
T-Bag: THERE IS SOME JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!
Int. SOLITARY
Sara: Michael, can you speak to me? Let me hold your hand and pat your head. I’m sorry about your skin and the tattoos.
Michael: WE WANTS THEM, PRECIOUSSS.
Sara: Aww, he called me precious.
Int. J-CAT
Michael: BWAHA I WAS JUST FAKING IT! AS THOUGH I’D REALLY IMPERSONATE A TOTALLY UGLY LITTLE CGI FROM A FANTASY MOVIE. PLEASE.
Haywire: Drool!
Michael: Hey Haywire, buddy, what’s up, how are you, want to see my naked flesh and draw my tattoos because if you don’t everything is ruined?
Haywire: Drool?
Music: OH MY GOD SHIT.
Int. PRISON KITCHEN
C-Note: Haha I have no idea what I’m doing. Poker is really complicated.
T-Bag: Uh huh. By the way, I happen to be the number five poker player in the United States. Doesn’t that work out spectacularly well?
C-Note: Wow, yeah it does. That was so not a convenient plot device at all!
Mexican: I AM REALLY INTIMIDATING. Actually it’s more the two huge guys on either side of me.
T-Bag: Hang on. I am sitting at a table between a Mexican and a black man. Can I please, please, please take this opportunity for some unnecessary racist jokes?
C-Note: No.
T-Bag: IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, MY DARK FRIEND.
Mexican: I don’t appreciate you.
T-Bag: OKAY JUMPING BEAN, GET ALL YOUR RELATIVES TOGETHER AND HOP THE BORDER SO YOU CAN MOW MY LAWN FOR MINIMUM WAGE.
Mexican: …
T-Bag: Alright, it’s out. I’m good.
Int. J-CAT
Michael: Hey Haywire. Hey… come into this small vacant room with me.
Haywire: Drool…
Michael: Hey Haywire, you have something in your teeth… NOW THROW UP YOUR MEDS, FORREST GUMP. I WANT YOU TO GET FUCKING BULIMIC ON ME.
Haywire: DROOOOOOOL?!
Michael: Don’t you feel better. Now, do you remember me?
Haywire: Hello, Michael. I believe I can attempt to correctly duplicate what was previously inscribed on your skin, but it may take me approximately two minutes more than a quarter of an hour. I believe there were pilgrims involved.
Michael: Whatever dude, just shut up and gaze at my naked back.
Int. J-CAT CELL
Sara: You’re not nuts, right? I mean, I’m not like attracted to Sybil or anything right?
Michael: No baby, I’m totally 100% normal and okay. I made you an ashtray.
Sara: Aww, well that’s not disturbing at all!
Int. GEN POP
Michael: HEY GUYS!
C-Note: Hey!
Sucre: Hey!
T-Bag: I’d grab your ass but it might be misconstrued.
Michael: Aw, I’m really back.
Ext. OUTSIDE THE PRISON SOMEWHERE THING
Lincoln: I’m going to see my son for totally unknown reasons! This is so completely sketchy! But I don’t care! I’m blindly joyous! HOOLY SHIT CAR CRASH.
Kellerman: KILLING YOU!
Burrows Sr. : YOU SUCK I’M KNOCKING YOUR BITCH ASS DOWN.
Lincoln: Unngh wha?
Burrows Sr. : Luke, I am your father.
Lincoln: It’s Lincoln, actually.
Burrows Sr. : Oh, my bad.
Lincoln: I told the hot doctor I wasn’t crazy! I totally did see you at my execution! You know what else? I just remembered I HATE YOUR STUPID GUTS YOU PSYCHO ABANDONING DICKHEAD, HALF MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD THANKS TO YOU.
Burrows Sr. : The point is, I’m sorry. And I exist. And now I’m leaving.
Lincoln: Well, that was fucking pointless.
Ext. YARD
Abruzzi: I’M BAAAACK!
Michael: Hey Abruzzi’s back! That’s pretty handy.
T-Bag: HOLY SHIT I AM SO SCREWED.
Int. SICK WARD
Sara: Your eyes are so pretty today.
Michael: Look into them, baby. LOOK INTO THE EYES.
Sara: LOOKING!
Michael: We’re going to make out now.
Sara: Okay.
[they make out for twelve minutes]
Michael: Well, that was special. Hey, do you want to get married?
Sara: Sorry but no. I would have sex with you though, if Katie wasn’t in the room.
Michael: I’M IN LOOOVE.
Int. CELL
Abruzzi: Hey T-Bag.
T-Bag: Oh my God. Wait, is my shirt tight enough?
Abruzzi: I just wanted to say I’m not going to kill you. And we’re alright.
T-Bag: You really mean it? I’m so happy to hear you say that! I love you, man!
Abruzzi: I love you too. Let’s have some hand sex.
T-Bag: Umm… not really what I meant but sure.
Westmoreland: Know how I know you two are gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.
Ext. YARD
Tweener: I just thought you should know I’m getting brutally raped every day by a seven foot guy with a ponytail who is Satan incarnate. And I just castrated him, so when he comes back, he’s going to kill me. …Yo.
Michael: I am racked with guilt. Want to escape with us?
Tweener: Omigod okay.
Int. CELL
T-Bag: Hey John-
C-Note: NO YOU CANNOT KILL ABRUZZI, THAT IS NOT ALLOWED.
T-Bag: Fuck this, I hate you all.
Ext. YARD
Tweener: THEY’RE BREAKING OUT.
Bellick: WELL HOLY SHIT.
Int. GUARD’S ROOM
Bellick: AND THERE’S THE HOLE. HOLY SHIT. Haha hole-y, holy, haha-
Westmoreland: I AM SURPRISINGLY STRONG FOR AN OLD MAN. OW, I THINK YOU JUST STABBED ME. HERE COMES THE SHOVEL.
Bellick: D’oh… I see little chickens…
Ext. YARD
Westmoreland: So Bellick kind of found our hole and I buried him in it but eventually they’ll notice so we need to leave RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW.
Michael: ALRIGHT PEOPLE, LET’S MOVE TO PLAN B. ABRUZZI, GET YOUR PLANE; SUCRE, START WATCHING THE CLOCK; T-BAG, STOP STARING AT MY ASS; COME ON PEOPLE LET’S MOVE IT.
T-Bag: How does he KNOW?
Int. SICK WARD
Michael: Sara, I want you to know that me getting my stripper wife to steal your key from you in no way affects our relationship whatsoever.
Sara: I HATE YOU.
Michael: Baby, let me explain! I need to break my brother out of prison and I need you to leave the door unlocked.
Sara: Aw, I forgot how funny you were.
Michael: No, seriously. Please help me. OUR LIVES HANG IN THE BALANCE. BTW I LOVE YOU, DOES THAT HELP AT ALL?
Sara: Wow, I seriously hate your guts right now. I think I need to go think this over for an episode so that when I do eventually do this, I won’t seem like a totally vapid, shallow human being.
Michael: You’re sexy when you’re mad.
Sara: SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY… SICK WARD…
Int. PRISON
Michael: OKAY FOLKS, LET’S GET A MOVE ON. THE UNIFORMS ARE SET, THE TIME IS RIGHT, THE HOLE IS OPEN. ARE WE READY OR ARE WE READY?
Sucre: So ready. MARICRUZ HERE I COME BABY!
Abruzzi: YAY, LIFE.
Tweener: YAY, NO MORE ANAL RAPE.
C-Note: I CAN STOP LYING TO MY FAMILY! BECAUSE WHEN THEY SEE THIS ON THE NEWS, IT’S TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BE AN ISSUE AT ALL.
T-Bag: My intentions are so dubious! I AM SO CRAZY!!!
Int. SICK WARD
Sara: OMG I caved. I am leaving it unlocked.
Katie: Well yeah, I mean, you’re kind of a tool.
Sara: I need to go OD now, because it’s in keeping with my character. Also because it’s definitely not incriminating at all. It really sucks to be me.
Katie: Whatever, it’s not like you’ll die. SEE YOU NEXT SEASON!
Sara: LATER!!
Int. SICK WARD
Michael: SHE LEFT IT OPEN, GUYS!
Sucre: I am so thankful for your smoothly operating ways.
Michael: Me too.
Haywire: JOINING THE PARTY!
Abruzzi & T-Bag: Should I kill him?
Michael: Uh no, it’s okay. Come along, Haywire.
Haywire: MWAHAHA.
Lincoln: Wow, Michael, I’m so happy this is finally happening. Let’s hope shit doesn’t go wrong. I hear we’re renewed for the next season, though, so I doubt anything too terrible will happen.
T-Bag: Yeah, nothing bad will happen. I’m totally not worried about it.
Abruzzi: This is absolutely a smile of pure joy. I have nothing else up my figurative sleeve at all.
Manche: I think I’m too fat to go on this wire… I’m having some doubts…
Westmoreland: Guys, when I put Bellick in the hole? He kind of stabbed me. I think I’m going to die. Go get my money, okay?
Michael: YOU’RE MAKING ME CRY. YOU WERE LIKE A DAD TO ME.
Westmoreland: I’m not dead yet-
Michael: I’M GOING TO MISS YOU!
Manche: I’m too fat, I’ve decided.
T-Bag: Did someone say money?
Ext. THE OUTSIDE WORLD OMG
Lincoln: ALRIGHT PEOPLE LET’S FUCKING MOVE IT, GET YOUR PRISON-BOUND LARDY ASSES IN GEAR.
C-Note: What is this shit, Celebrity Fit Club?
Sucre: I don’t usually have to run this much.
Abruzzi: I’m not exactly a spring chicken over here, okay? It’s a good thing the van’s nearby, I don’t think I could handle this.
Michael: I think I herniated my disk.
Int. VAN
Lincoln: DESIGNATED DRIVER RIGHT HERE.
Abruzzi: FUCK YOU, IT’S MY VAN.
Lincoln: YEAH FUCKING RIGHT, GET IN THE GODDAMN SEAT.
Sucre: T-Bag, you’re being strangely quiet.
C-Note: Shut up, maybe it’ll stay that way.
T-Bag: So I was thinking-
C-Note: Goddammit.
T-Bag: John, you have seated yourself in a very unique position.
Abruzzi: Have I?
T-Bag: Indeed, and if I’m not mistaken, you’re currently pointing a gun at my head.
Lincoln: I’d object to the shooting in the van, but it’s T-Bag so…
Abruzzi: WAIT, WAIT, I HAVE TO BE SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS.
T-Bag: Sorry, I don’t really have time for that. MAGIC HANDCUFFS, OHH SNAP.
Michael: What the-!
T-Bag: YUP THAT’S RIGHT, ME AND YOU, PRETTY. WE ARE STUCK TOGETHER. It’ll be like that movie with Matt Damon when he has the Siamese twin. I call Matt Damon.
Lincoln: THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN.
T-Bag: SORRY. BTW IF YOU KILL ME YOU’LL BE DRAGGING ME AROUND THE REST OF THE WAY WHICH LOL WOULD BE KIND OF AN ISSUE SINCE IT’S NOT LIKE THIS GUY CAN REALLY RUN AS IT IS.
Abruzzi: Oh dammit. I’m sure I’ll figure something else out.
Michael: EWWW, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ATTACHED TO T-BAG!
Lincoln: Michael, stop being such a whiny bitch.
Michael: SORRY, I’M ONLY THE ONE WHO BROKE YOU OUT OF MOTHERFUCKING PRISON.
Tweener: He’s right, yo.
Everyone: SHUT UP, BITCH.
Michael: Yeah, you need to leave.
Tweener: That is so cold.
Ext. RANDOM LAKE
Sucre: Look, not to be stereotypical or anything, but I can hotwire a car.
Abruzzi: That’s nice. Do it NOW.
C-Note: So, Michael, I’m kind of worried about what’s going to happen with my family. I mean, is Mexico an okay place to raise kids?
Michael: Not really, since the kidnapping rate there is like way huge, and you’ll kind of stand out. Shouldn’t you have maybe thought about this before?
T-Bag: I mean, honestly.
C-Note: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
T-Bag: Man, everybody hates me.
Michael: You just noticed?
Int. SHACK
Lincoln: WHERE ARE MICHAEL AND T-BAG?
Sucre: They were running behind us, they should be here soon.
Lincoln: I hope T-Bag’s not trying to sodomize my brother.
C-Note: I can’t believe you just said that.
Abruzzi: I don’t know, I’d be worried.
T-Bag: OKAY, WE’RE HERE, NO THANKS TO KIRSTIE ALLEY OVER HERE. Come on, Pretty, why are you so not fit?
Michael: I’M GASPING FOR AIR, OKAY, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I LIKE FOOD.
Lincoln: Hey T-Bag.
T-Bag: Yeah? OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU GRABBING ME? HANDS OFF PLEASE.
Sucre: WE NEED TO BREAK THESE CUFFS. THESE GARDENING SHEARS AREN’T WORKING, ABRUZZI.
Abruzzi: Really? They worked with the toes… GUESS I’LL JUST HAVE TO PULL OUT MY AXE THEN.
T-Bag: OH MY GODDDDDD. YOU JUST CUT OFF MY HAND!!
Abruzzi: Consider it payback.
Sucre: Holy shit. I think I’m going to throw up. And maybe cry a little. No, definitely throwing up.
Lincoln: OH, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. BYE, T-BAG.
T-Bag: WAIT! Oh, fuck you all then. I think I’ll survive just to SPITE YOU.
Ext. FIELD
Michael: WAIT ABRUZZI’S PLANE, WAIT!!!
Everyone: WAAAAAIIIIIT!
Plane: [leaves]
Abruzzi: We’re fucked.
Sucre: The hell do we do?
Michael: Well, seeing as this season’s over, I’m saying we leave it at a cliffhanger. Namely us running through the fields.
Lincoln: Sounds like a plan. LET’S HAUL SOME ASS. MICHAEL, I MEAN IT.
Michael: I’M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!
End of Season 1!
Author: circus_sands
Characters: Everybody
Category: Humor
Rating: R (for obscene language)
Summary: This is a Prison Break parody done in script format. Basically, it's ridiculous. Covers the S1 return from the hiatus to the S1 finale, with more to come eventually.
Author's Notes: This is such crack, but I felt compelled to continue. Thanks to alazysod for beta-ing and for helping me with my comma issues. And for doing the last bit of coding as well. Lifesaver!
Int. VENT ROOM THING
T-Bag: SO WHERE WE LEFT OFF IS, I WAS PULLING MY KNIFE ON MICHAEL IN THE HOPES THAT MY EMPTY THREATS WILL MAGICALLY MAKE HIM ABLE TO BREAK SOLID STEEL. I THINK IT’S A GOOD PLAN.
Michael: I hate you so bad right now. We need to leave before I kill you.
Lincoln: MICHAEL?!
Michael: Sorry bro, better luck next time.
Int. RANDOM ROOM
Michael: I suck.
Lincoln: I know, but it’s okay. You tried. And hey, now you’re stuck here for five years.
Michael: I can’t believe I SCREWED UP.
Lincoln: Aren’t you sad that I’m going to die now?
Michael: IT WAS ALL SO PERFECTLY MAPPED OUT AND NOW I’M STUCK WITH THIS STUPID TATTOO AND I’M IN PRISON AND EVERYONE HATES ME AND I HATE MY LIFE.
Lincoln: So by the way, I’m dying tomorrow.
Michael: THIS IS SO STUPID, I MEAN, MY LIFE IS BASICALLY SHIT.
Lincoln: Haha omg if you don’t stop talking I’m going to LINCOLNSMASH your head into the wall!
Int. EXECUTION ROOM
Lincoln: Holy shit I’m gonna die.
Michael: It just occurred to me… Holy shit you’re gonna die.
Bellick: Get your stupid asses moving, I HAVE NO SYMPATHY. LOOK AT MY LACK OF SYMPATHY. OH I AM SO NOT SYMPATHETIC.
Michael: GOD I HATE MY LIFE.
Lincoln: SHUT UP MICHAEL.
Pope: THE EXECUTION IS CALLED OFF. The writers don’t want to kill Lincoln because then the show would be over. I MEAN, THE JUDGE FOUND DISCREPANCIES IN A REPORT. SO THIS WILL BE DELAYED FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS.
Michael: EXCELLENT.
Lincoln: You mean now I have to wait around for another two weeks? Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Oh but thank you, writers, for not cancelling my show!
Int. SICK WARD
Lincoln: So if I like, hallucinated, did I really… hallucinate?
Sara: Sure.
Lincoln: Because I totally thought I saw someone.
Sara: Can I be a nosy bitch and ask who?
Lincoln: No.
Sara: Fine. I like your brother more.
Int. PIPES
Guard: Hmm, I think I’ll stand here for a while.
Michael: WHY NO MY SKIN IS NOT BURNING OFF OW, OW, OW, I’M TOTALLY FINE.
Int. MICHAEL’S CELL
Sucre: Holy shit dude, are you okay?
Michael: No. Let’s have a dubious shot of you ripping the clothes off my back. From behind. With one hand on my shoulder and me making strange noises.
Sucre: Well, okay… [rips off Michael’s shirt]
Michael: AHHH SHIT FUCKING CUNT ASS MOTHERFUCKER-
Int. SICK WARD
Sara: He’s waking up.
Katie: OMG! [leaves]
Michael: Hi baby.
Sara: So you got a pretty intense burn there.
Michael: Oh you know, same old same. How’s tricks?
Sara: Okay, this is me in my super serious kind of bitchy mode, and YOU NEED TO TELL ME WHO DID THIS RIGHT NOW.
Michael: Sorry, baby, no can do.
Sara: I’m officially mad at you.
Michael: I’d probably care more if I wasn’t blinded by pain!! LOL
Int. MICHAEL’S CELL
Sucre: Okay papi, how many fingers am I holding up?
Michael: Twelve.
Sucre: Haha.
Michael: Uh, no, I’m being serious.
Sucre: Okay we’ll pretend that didn’t happen. Why are you taking your bandage off?
Michael: I need to check the tatts. Which are officially warped and there’s no way of figuring them out again. OH SHITTING FUCK.
Sucre: OH SHITTING FUCK.
Music: OH SHITTING FUCK.
Int. FLASHBACK EPISODE!!!!
Ext. STREET
Michael: Three years ago, I was a total dick! Look at my funny earmuffs though, aren’t they quaint.
Lincoln: I hate your stupid face. Give me my damn keys that I couldn’t find in the snow five feet away. I guess you’re just that much smarter than me. Way to rub it in.
Michael: Look, I didn’t tell you to wear a leather jacket and a wife beater in the middle of winter in Chicago okay. Now fuck off and die, SEE IF I CARE.
Lincoln: WHO WOULD THINK HOW DIFFERENT THINGS WERE THREE YEARS AGO! I MEAN WOW!
Int. MICHAEL’S APARTMENT
Veronica: I’m kind of flirting with Michael… And we’re kind of about to make out… and maybe have sex… Except Lincoln fucking INTERRUPTS US. DICKHEAD.
Lincoln: OMG Michael pick up your damn phone and stop trying to nail my ex-girlfriend, I’m having first timer nerves about killing the Vice President’s brother.
Michael: Oh who cares, the machine will get it. Guess the mood is kinda killed though.
Veronica: Haha yeah. Bye.
Lincoln: DAMMIT MICHAEL. I GUESS I’M DOING THIS AND LAUNCHING A NEW FOX TV SERIES.
Sucre: HEY LOOK I’M HERE TOO! HELLOOOO MARICRUZ, HEY YOU HOT BABY!!
Ext. IRAQ
C-Note: I’m in Iraq. It is very, very warm. The sweat is dripping. The music is Middle Eastern. The government is corrupt. White people are evil. AND SCENE.
Int. PRISON
Michael: I’m sooo disappointed in you Lincoln. Sooo disappointed. I mean, the Vice President’s brother, dude? SERIOUSLY?
Veronica: What about me?
Michael: Uh, who are you again?
Lincoln: MICHAEL I DIDN’T DO IT.
Michael: I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
Int. SUCRE’S SEXY BED OF SEX
Sucre: I love you, Maricruz snoogims honeybunchkins. CAN WE HAVE SEX AGAIN? I LOVE YOUR TUMMY SWEAT.
Maricruz: Oh baby, I love you.
Int. HOSPITAL
Sara: I’M A JUNKIE. YAY MORPHINE. BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING! LOOK AT MY STRINGY HAIR. OH, IT IS SO STRINGY. AND HOMG SOMEONE GOT RUN OVER AND I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING ANYWAY BUT I STILL FEEL GUILTY. LIFE-CHANGING MOMENT. I’M GOING TO THERAPY.
Int. THERAPY
Bellick: Hai Sara, why u so pretty?
Sara: Haha ohhh my God.
Int. RANDOM HOUSE
Susan: Okay kids, my special new friend is going to be here any second and he’s bringing some shitty fast food. How’s my hair?
T-Bag: HAYYY.
Music: OH MY GOD SHIT.
T-Bag: Look at my math skills! Well gosh darnit, I just love kids in a totally wholesome way! Golly.
Little Girl: Haha! I love Mommy’s new friend! He has a dorky sweater and he teaches me math tricks! He is so not a serial killer!
TV: In other news, THEODORE BAGWELL IS A SERIAL KILLER WHO MURDERS CHILDREN.
Susan: OH MY GOD SHIT.
Music: OH MY GOD SHIT.
Int. PRISON
Michael: I believe you, Lincoln.
Lincoln: Cool, wanna break me out?
Michael: Sounds like a plan.
Lincoln: OMG k.
Int. REAL TIME!!!!
Pope: Who burned you?
Michael: YO MOMMA.
Pope: Michael, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m Stacy Keach and I will kick your ass. WHO BURNED YOU?
Michael: Chuck Norris could take you ANY DAY.
Pope: Alright that’s it, SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.
Int. SOLITARY
Lincoln: Hey!!
Michael: Hey bro!!
Lincoln: What’s up!
Michael: Not much, I think my head’s about to explode because my plan is failing, but besides that I’m pretty sure I’m okay and I’m definitely not about to go crazy.
Lincoln: Well that’s good to hear.
Michael: By the way, I put my blood into this.
Lincoln: Um…
Michael: Haha no I don’t think you heard me, BLOOD! RED BLOOD! POURING DOWN! IF I PUNCH THE WALL, MY LIFE WILL BE BETTER! OW! STILL PUNCHING THE WALL, LINCOLN! IT’S ALLLLLL GOOD.
Lincoln: GUARDS! GUARDS!
Int. CELL
Sucre: You need to be a slut.
T-Bag: HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING TO ME!
Sucre: ...
T-Bag: But-but I don’t want to hit on the unattractive, fat, bald, transvestite!
Sucre: You also need to get his… her… underwear.
T-Bag: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.
Sucre: I hear thongs are in season.
Int. KELLERMAN’S HOUSE
Kellerman: I live here. I have an unorthodox obsession with beef jerky.
LJ: Yeah man, you really kind of do.
Kellerman: HOLY SHIT, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?
LJ: I’m here to kill you.
Kellerman: But I can’t die, I’m Paul Adelstein.
LJ: TOUGH SHIT POTATO HEAD.
Police: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER? THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU’RE GOING AWAY FOR A LOONG TIME.
Int. CELL
Sucre: Guys I sealed the hole up, we’re good. I think Bellick thinks I’m seeing a really fat chick though, I’m not sure that’s okay. Oh by the way, he sniffed the underwear.
T-Bag: THERE IS SOME JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!
Int. SOLITARY
Sara: Michael, can you speak to me? Let me hold your hand and pat your head. I’m sorry about your skin and the tattoos.
Michael: WE WANTS THEM, PRECIOUSSS.
Sara: Aww, he called me precious.
Int. J-CAT
Michael: BWAHA I WAS JUST FAKING IT! AS THOUGH I’D REALLY IMPERSONATE A TOTALLY UGLY LITTLE CGI FROM A FANTASY MOVIE. PLEASE.
Haywire: Drool!
Michael: Hey Haywire, buddy, what’s up, how are you, want to see my naked flesh and draw my tattoos because if you don’t everything is ruined?
Haywire: Drool?
Music: OH MY GOD SHIT.
Int. PRISON KITCHEN
C-Note: Haha I have no idea what I’m doing. Poker is really complicated.
T-Bag: Uh huh. By the way, I happen to be the number five poker player in the United States. Doesn’t that work out spectacularly well?
C-Note: Wow, yeah it does. That was so not a convenient plot device at all!
Mexican: I AM REALLY INTIMIDATING. Actually it’s more the two huge guys on either side of me.
T-Bag: Hang on. I am sitting at a table between a Mexican and a black man. Can I please, please, please take this opportunity for some unnecessary racist jokes?
C-Note: No.
T-Bag: IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, MY DARK FRIEND.
Mexican: I don’t appreciate you.
T-Bag: OKAY JUMPING BEAN, GET ALL YOUR RELATIVES TOGETHER AND HOP THE BORDER SO YOU CAN MOW MY LAWN FOR MINIMUM WAGE.
Mexican: …
T-Bag: Alright, it’s out. I’m good.
Int. J-CAT
Michael: Hey Haywire. Hey… come into this small vacant room with me.
Haywire: Drool…
Michael: Hey Haywire, you have something in your teeth… NOW THROW UP YOUR MEDS, FORREST GUMP. I WANT YOU TO GET FUCKING BULIMIC ON ME.
Haywire: DROOOOOOOL?!
Michael: Don’t you feel better. Now, do you remember me?
Haywire: Hello, Michael. I believe I can attempt to correctly duplicate what was previously inscribed on your skin, but it may take me approximately two minutes more than a quarter of an hour. I believe there were pilgrims involved.
Michael: Whatever dude, just shut up and gaze at my naked back.
Int. J-CAT CELL
Sara: You’re not nuts, right? I mean, I’m not like attracted to Sybil or anything right?
Michael: No baby, I’m totally 100% normal and okay. I made you an ashtray.
Sara: Aww, well that’s not disturbing at all!
Int. GEN POP
Michael: HEY GUYS!
C-Note: Hey!
Sucre: Hey!
T-Bag: I’d grab your ass but it might be misconstrued.
Michael: Aw, I’m really back.
Ext. OUTSIDE THE PRISON SOMEWHERE THING
Lincoln: I’m going to see my son for totally unknown reasons! This is so completely sketchy! But I don’t care! I’m blindly joyous! HOOLY SHIT CAR CRASH.
Kellerman: KILLING YOU!
Burrows Sr. : YOU SUCK I’M KNOCKING YOUR BITCH ASS DOWN.
Lincoln: Unngh wha?
Burrows Sr. : Luke, I am your father.
Lincoln: It’s Lincoln, actually.
Burrows Sr. : Oh, my bad.
Lincoln: I told the hot doctor I wasn’t crazy! I totally did see you at my execution! You know what else? I just remembered I HATE YOUR STUPID GUTS YOU PSYCHO ABANDONING DICKHEAD, HALF MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD THANKS TO YOU.
Burrows Sr. : The point is, I’m sorry. And I exist. And now I’m leaving.
Lincoln: Well, that was fucking pointless.
Ext. YARD
Abruzzi: I’M BAAAACK!
Michael: Hey Abruzzi’s back! That’s pretty handy.
T-Bag: HOLY SHIT I AM SO SCREWED.
Int. SICK WARD
Sara: Your eyes are so pretty today.
Michael: Look into them, baby. LOOK INTO THE EYES.
Sara: LOOKING!
Michael: We’re going to make out now.
Sara: Okay.
[they make out for twelve minutes]
Michael: Well, that was special. Hey, do you want to get married?
Sara: Sorry but no. I would have sex with you though, if Katie wasn’t in the room.
Michael: I’M IN LOOOVE.
Int. CELL
Abruzzi: Hey T-Bag.
T-Bag: Oh my God. Wait, is my shirt tight enough?
Abruzzi: I just wanted to say I’m not going to kill you. And we’re alright.
T-Bag: You really mean it? I’m so happy to hear you say that! I love you, man!
Abruzzi: I love you too. Let’s have some hand sex.
T-Bag: Umm… not really what I meant but sure.
Westmoreland: Know how I know you two are gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.
Ext. YARD
Tweener: I just thought you should know I’m getting brutally raped every day by a seven foot guy with a ponytail who is Satan incarnate. And I just castrated him, so when he comes back, he’s going to kill me. …Yo.
Michael: I am racked with guilt. Want to escape with us?
Tweener: Omigod okay.
Int. CELL
T-Bag: Hey John-
C-Note: NO YOU CANNOT KILL ABRUZZI, THAT IS NOT ALLOWED.
T-Bag: Fuck this, I hate you all.
Ext. YARD
Tweener: THEY’RE BREAKING OUT.
Bellick: WELL HOLY SHIT.
Int. GUARD’S ROOM
Bellick: AND THERE’S THE HOLE. HOLY SHIT. Haha hole-y, holy, haha-
Westmoreland: I AM SURPRISINGLY STRONG FOR AN OLD MAN. OW, I THINK YOU JUST STABBED ME. HERE COMES THE SHOVEL.
Bellick: D’oh… I see little chickens…
Ext. YARD
Westmoreland: So Bellick kind of found our hole and I buried him in it but eventually they’ll notice so we need to leave RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW.
Michael: ALRIGHT PEOPLE, LET’S MOVE TO PLAN B. ABRUZZI, GET YOUR PLANE; SUCRE, START WATCHING THE CLOCK; T-BAG, STOP STARING AT MY ASS; COME ON PEOPLE LET’S MOVE IT.
T-Bag: How does he KNOW?
Int. SICK WARD
Michael: Sara, I want you to know that me getting my stripper wife to steal your key from you in no way affects our relationship whatsoever.
Sara: I HATE YOU.
Michael: Baby, let me explain! I need to break my brother out of prison and I need you to leave the door unlocked.
Sara: Aw, I forgot how funny you were.
Michael: No, seriously. Please help me. OUR LIVES HANG IN THE BALANCE. BTW I LOVE YOU, DOES THAT HELP AT ALL?
Sara: Wow, I seriously hate your guts right now. I think I need to go think this over for an episode so that when I do eventually do this, I won’t seem like a totally vapid, shallow human being.
Michael: You’re sexy when you’re mad.
Sara: SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY… SICK WARD…
Int. PRISON
Michael: OKAY FOLKS, LET’S GET A MOVE ON. THE UNIFORMS ARE SET, THE TIME IS RIGHT, THE HOLE IS OPEN. ARE WE READY OR ARE WE READY?
Sucre: So ready. MARICRUZ HERE I COME BABY!
Abruzzi: YAY, LIFE.
Tweener: YAY, NO MORE ANAL RAPE.
C-Note: I CAN STOP LYING TO MY FAMILY! BECAUSE WHEN THEY SEE THIS ON THE NEWS, IT’S TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BE AN ISSUE AT ALL.
T-Bag: My intentions are so dubious! I AM SO CRAZY!!!
Int. SICK WARD
Sara: OMG I caved. I am leaving it unlocked.
Katie: Well yeah, I mean, you’re kind of a tool.
Sara: I need to go OD now, because it’s in keeping with my character. Also because it’s definitely not incriminating at all. It really sucks to be me.
Katie: Whatever, it’s not like you’ll die. SEE YOU NEXT SEASON!
Sara: LATER!!
Int. SICK WARD
Michael: SHE LEFT IT OPEN, GUYS!
Sucre: I am so thankful for your smoothly operating ways.
Michael: Me too.
Haywire: JOINING THE PARTY!
Abruzzi & T-Bag: Should I kill him?
Michael: Uh no, it’s okay. Come along, Haywire.
Haywire: MWAHAHA.
Lincoln: Wow, Michael, I’m so happy this is finally happening. Let’s hope shit doesn’t go wrong. I hear we’re renewed for the next season, though, so I doubt anything too terrible will happen.
T-Bag: Yeah, nothing bad will happen. I’m totally not worried about it.
Abruzzi: This is absolutely a smile of pure joy. I have nothing else up my figurative sleeve at all.
Manche: I think I’m too fat to go on this wire… I’m having some doubts…
Westmoreland: Guys, when I put Bellick in the hole? He kind of stabbed me. I think I’m going to die. Go get my money, okay?
Michael: YOU’RE MAKING ME CRY. YOU WERE LIKE A DAD TO ME.
Westmoreland: I’m not dead yet-
Michael: I’M GOING TO MISS YOU!
Manche: I’m too fat, I’ve decided.
T-Bag: Did someone say money?
Ext. THE OUTSIDE WORLD OMG
Lincoln: ALRIGHT PEOPLE LET’S FUCKING MOVE IT, GET YOUR PRISON-BOUND LARDY ASSES IN GEAR.
C-Note: What is this shit, Celebrity Fit Club?
Sucre: I don’t usually have to run this much.
Abruzzi: I’m not exactly a spring chicken over here, okay? It’s a good thing the van’s nearby, I don’t think I could handle this.
Michael: I think I herniated my disk.
Int. VAN
Lincoln: DESIGNATED DRIVER RIGHT HERE.
Abruzzi: FUCK YOU, IT’S MY VAN.
Lincoln: YEAH FUCKING RIGHT, GET IN THE GODDAMN SEAT.
Sucre: T-Bag, you’re being strangely quiet.
C-Note: Shut up, maybe it’ll stay that way.
T-Bag: So I was thinking-
C-Note: Goddammit.
T-Bag: John, you have seated yourself in a very unique position.
Abruzzi: Have I?
T-Bag: Indeed, and if I’m not mistaken, you’re currently pointing a gun at my head.
Lincoln: I’d object to the shooting in the van, but it’s T-Bag so…
Abruzzi: WAIT, WAIT, I HAVE TO BE SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS.
T-Bag: Sorry, I don’t really have time for that. MAGIC HANDCUFFS, OHH SNAP.
Michael: What the-!
T-Bag: YUP THAT’S RIGHT, ME AND YOU, PRETTY. WE ARE STUCK TOGETHER. It’ll be like that movie with Matt Damon when he has the Siamese twin. I call Matt Damon.
Lincoln: THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN.
T-Bag: SORRY. BTW IF YOU KILL ME YOU’LL BE DRAGGING ME AROUND THE REST OF THE WAY WHICH LOL WOULD BE KIND OF AN ISSUE SINCE IT’S NOT LIKE THIS GUY CAN REALLY RUN AS IT IS.
Abruzzi: Oh dammit. I’m sure I’ll figure something else out.
Michael: EWWW, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ATTACHED TO T-BAG!
Lincoln: Michael, stop being such a whiny bitch.
Michael: SORRY, I’M ONLY THE ONE WHO BROKE YOU OUT OF MOTHERFUCKING PRISON.
Tweener: He’s right, yo.
Everyone: SHUT UP, BITCH.
Michael: Yeah, you need to leave.
Tweener: That is so cold.
Ext. RANDOM LAKE
Sucre: Look, not to be stereotypical or anything, but I can hotwire a car.
Abruzzi: That’s nice. Do it NOW.
C-Note: So, Michael, I’m kind of worried about what’s going to happen with my family. I mean, is Mexico an okay place to raise kids?
Michael: Not really, since the kidnapping rate there is like way huge, and you’ll kind of stand out. Shouldn’t you have maybe thought about this before?
T-Bag: I mean, honestly.
C-Note: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
T-Bag: Man, everybody hates me.
Michael: You just noticed?
Int. SHACK
Lincoln: WHERE ARE MICHAEL AND T-BAG?
Sucre: They were running behind us, they should be here soon.
Lincoln: I hope T-Bag’s not trying to sodomize my brother.
C-Note: I can’t believe you just said that.
Abruzzi: I don’t know, I’d be worried.
T-Bag: OKAY, WE’RE HERE, NO THANKS TO KIRSTIE ALLEY OVER HERE. Come on, Pretty, why are you so not fit?
Michael: I’M GASPING FOR AIR, OKAY, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I LIKE FOOD.
Lincoln: Hey T-Bag.
T-Bag: Yeah? OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU GRABBING ME? HANDS OFF PLEASE.
Sucre: WE NEED TO BREAK THESE CUFFS. THESE GARDENING SHEARS AREN’T WORKING, ABRUZZI.
Abruzzi: Really? They worked with the toes… GUESS I’LL JUST HAVE TO PULL OUT MY AXE THEN.
T-Bag: OH MY GODDDDDD. YOU JUST CUT OFF MY HAND!!
Abruzzi: Consider it payback.
Sucre: Holy shit. I think I’m going to throw up. And maybe cry a little. No, definitely throwing up.
Lincoln: OH, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. BYE, T-BAG.
T-Bag: WAIT! Oh, fuck you all then. I think I’ll survive just to SPITE YOU.
Ext. FIELD
Michael: WAIT ABRUZZI’S PLANE, WAIT!!!
Everyone: WAAAAAIIIIIT!
Plane: [leaves]
Abruzzi: We’re fucked.
Sucre: The hell do we do?
Michael: Well, seeing as this season’s over, I’m saying we leave it at a cliffhanger. Namely us running through the fields.
Lincoln: Sounds like a plan. LET’S HAUL SOME ASS. MICHAEL, I MEAN IT.
Michael: I’M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!
End of Season 1!