I swear this is the last excerpt from The Chicago Shady Dealer
This is rife with UChi jokes, but is clear enough for you all to understand it, especially you guys who also go to schools where seeing your TA drunk at a party is far from irregular.
The TA-ven
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I squinted, clicked and queried
At many a quaint and forgotten Facebook profile wall,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a crashing,
As of someone fiercely smashing, bashing into my dorm room wall.
"'Tis some sophomore," I muttered, "crashing through the Shoreland's halls;
Only this, and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each of my final papers lay incomplete on my dorm room floor,
Anxiously I feared the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From facebook surcease of sorrow (for calculus is quite a bore),
And find the profile of that one girl form my Sosc class named Lenore,
Who had dropped the class forevermoer.
And the bothersome uncertain banging of my radiator
Thrilled me-filled me with a vast annoyance never felt before;
So that now, to still its beating, I kicked it while repeating,
"'Tis some sophomore entreating entrance at my dorm room door,
Some drunk sophomore about to vomit on my dorm room floor.
This it is, and nothing more."
Presently my foot grew sore, and, exasperated all the more,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, my forgiveness you should implore;
For the fact is, I was napping, and so loudly came you crashing,
And so forceful came you smashing, bashing at my dorm room door,
That you thoughtlessly did wake me." Here I opened wide the door-
My whiteboard there, and nothing more.
Down the hallway peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing
That some prank was being played on me, as had happened once before.
But the silence gave no token (no doubt the radiator was broken),
And the only word there spoken was my whispered word,
"Lenore!", as I wondered about her profile and decided to return
To Internet Explorer.
Back into my dorm room turning, my radiator no longer burning,
Soon again I heard a crashing, even louder than before,
"Surely," I said, "surely that is something at my dorm room door.
Let me hobble, then, across the room and this mystery explore.
Let my broken foot be soothed a moment as these sophomores I deplore.
Or 'tis some janitor, perhaps, and nothing more."
Once again I flung my dorm room door, and, with many a trip and sputter,
In stepped my Calc TA, whom I'd never really spoken to before.
Not the least obeisance made he, nor an explanation gave me,
But with the mien of a drunken lady, he leaned against my dorm room door,
Beneath the outline of a phallus drawn on the whiteboard of my door,
There he leaned, and stared, and nothing more.
Then this wasted man beguiled my weary face into a smile
By his slightly nauseous decorum, and by how little the poor man wore.
"Though they chest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly, drunken TA who wanders nightly through the stark halls of the Shore-
land. Remind me what thy name is, for I rarely go to class-it's such a bore."
Quoth my TA, "Nevermore."
Much I marvelled that this drunken man could answer me so plainly,
Though his answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For you cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing her wasted TA at her dorm room door,
Standing right beneath the phallus drawn on the whiteboard of her door,
And repeating such a word as "Nevermore".
But my TA, standing lonely beneath that flaccid phallus, spoke only
That one word, and I feared his stomach in that one word he would outpour.
But nothing further then he uttered; not a shiver then he shuddered;
Tilll I scarcely more than muttered, "Other drunks have stayed the night before;
On the morrow he will leave me, though I hope he'll leave before."
Then the man said, "Nevermore."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aply spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what he utters is his only stock and store
Because of the many drinks he's mastered, for (unmerciful disaster!)
They followed fast and followed faster, till his vision a double burden bore,-
Till his dry tongue and drier lips only that one sad word could form-
That word 'Never-nevermore'."
But my TA still beguiling all my tired face into smiling,
Straight I dragged a cushy bean bag chair in front of the man, whiteboard, and door;
Then, into bean bag sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this drunk man wandering my floor-
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and drunk man wandering my floor
Meant in croaking "Nevermore".
Thus I sat, engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To my TA, whose unfocused eyes now burned into a stain on the floor.
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the bean bag's plastic lining, basking in the glow of my PC's monitor
As on that screen was shing a Facebook profile not Lenore's,
Whom I shall meet again, ah nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, stunk up by an unseen censer
Swung by my TA, whose dinner I thought would soon be sprinkled across the floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "my professor sure hath sent thee-through your babble he hath
Tried to prevent me-to prevent me from Facebooking the profile of Lenore!
To make me quaff, O quaff of vile math, and in my studies forget the lost Lenore!"
Quoth my TA, "Nevermore!"
"TA!" said I, "thing of evil!-TA still, if man or devil!
Whether professor sent, or whether thy stupor hath tossed thee here, the Shore-
Land, to taunt, coerce, and haunt me until I finally start to study
On this night beofre my final-tell me truly, I implore:
Is there-is there even any profile to be had?-tell me-tell me I implore!"
Quoth my TA, "Nevermore!"
"TA!" said I, "thing of evil!-TA still, if man or devil!
By that department that bends above us-by that Diane Hermann we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, during some distant quarter,
I shall meet again that Marxist maiden from my SoSc class named Lenore-
Sit with her, perhaps in Civ class, sit next to her once more, that one girl named
Lenore?"
Quoth my TA, "Nevermore!"
"Be that word our sign of parting, Calc TA!" I shrieked, upstarting-
"Get thee back into the elevator and on Route D, Route A, the Shore-
Land! Leave no vomit as a token of that lie thou drunkenly hast spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!-stop sitting beneath the phallus on my door!
Take thy stench out from my room, thy half-naked form right out my door!"
Quoth my TA, "Nevermore!"
And my TA, ever on the verge of vomiting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Beneath the outline of a phallus drawn on the whiteboard on my door;
And as he sleeps he has all the seeming of a drunk man who's dreaming,
And teh light from Facebook o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor,
And I fear my TA's shadow, from where it lies floating on the floor,
Shall be lifted-nevermore!