(no subject)
it hurts so bad to think that i might never have another day with my wife. it's like she died or something. i feel so much sorrow and pain most of the time, and no words of encouragement make me feel any different. yeah, sometimes a spurt of hopefulness for the future and love might pop into the day but it's more like a fantasy than a reality. i am in constant heartache and bereavment for the loss of everything i really wanted. my son is gone, taken from me in 2002. my wife has left me alone while she selfishly pursues other interests that she could have done with me if she was willing to. i feel like i made all the real sacrifices, the ones that matter. she barely changed anything about herself, until she saw that changes were inevitable, and then it became a problem. i'm the one who had to stay in illinios, alienated from my family, the navy, friends, and later my hobbies. i changed so much to suit her, and in the end she resented me for it. now i wake and i just feel loss, like the way you might feel walking into the room of a woman that committed suicide a month ago. you look around, feel the heaviness in the air, the oppression. pick up a cd that she will never hear again, a shirt she will never wear again. a love she will never feel again.
i cannot shake this gloom and emptiness. the difference between lauren and everyone else is that i believed in our relationship wholeheartedly, unlike every other girl. the rest i had my doubts about. not lauren. i really thought it was forever.
and my day begins.
i cannot shake this gloom and emptiness. the difference between lauren and everyone else is that i believed in our relationship wholeheartedly, unlike every other girl. the rest i had my doubts about. not lauren. i really thought it was forever.
and my day begins.