And you all thought she was just funny....
I really amaze and scare myself sometimes. I know those two words really don't go together, but they're the only two that I could come up with that just....fit. Just...sometimes I feel like I have no control over anything, including my life, and that scares me out of my wits. I mean, I should have some sort of grip on my life, shouldn't I? Looking back on my life, on ME personally, I feel like I've gone through life with blinders on and people holding my hands through everything. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but when I look back, I can't think of a single thing that I have done on my own without someone being right there beside me. That's kinda pathetic. I think I rely on people way too much for my stability, both emotional and physical. It's something I need to work on.
Then, I can amaze myself. I mean, I went to NACA for the weekend, and, as ridiculous as it's going to sound, I feel like I came back different. More willing at the very least to talk to people face to face as opposed to being the chickenshit who IMs people after she gets up the balls to say something to them. I can't go on holding in my opinions because I'm afraid of how people will react. It's like that Dr. Seuss line, which is not verbatim here, but I'm going to try, "Don't be afraid to be yourself because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I really need to start living by that. Because by me not talking, things happen, I may or may not like them, and I'll inwardly *or outwardly* bitch when I have no one to blame but myself for my lackage in the communications skills department. I'm going to make a conscious effort to be more vocal and let people know how I feel.
On a completely RANDOM tangent, I got a thimble at NACA that I plan on holding onto for a long long long time. The guy who handed them out got one as a college graduation gift from his mom. She knew he wanted to go to Hollywood to pursue a career and that she couldn't stop him, so she gave him this thimble *well, not my EXACT one* and said, "I want you to take this thimble with you everywhere. Whenever life is not going your way, or you feel down, I want you to take out your thimble. Fill it to the brim with self respect, self esteem, and love. Then, you will feel better. And I will be able to sleep at night." As he handed them out to us, he said, "I want you to take this thimble with you everywhere. Whenever life is not going your way, or you feel down, I want you to take out your thimble. Fill it to the brim with self respect, self esteem, and love. Then, you will feel better. And I will be able to sleep at night." I almost cried. I was just completely and utterly floored that something so tiny could be so significant. I've had it in my pocket all day and I can hear it clinking against the heart in there, a constant reminder that there are people out there who care. And a wake up call to me. How much self esteem and self respect do I have? Not that much. But do I truly have a legit reason for hating myself? I mean, I'm not exactly heinous, I'm nice to almost everyone, and I have yet to kill someone, so I think I'm ok...I guess I'm just not going to go out there like some people and toot my own horn. But enough rambling. There's a comedian tonight. I could use a laugh after this disturbingly deep entry from me of all people.
Then, I can amaze myself. I mean, I went to NACA for the weekend, and, as ridiculous as it's going to sound, I feel like I came back different. More willing at the very least to talk to people face to face as opposed to being the chickenshit who IMs people after she gets up the balls to say something to them. I can't go on holding in my opinions because I'm afraid of how people will react. It's like that Dr. Seuss line, which is not verbatim here, but I'm going to try, "Don't be afraid to be yourself because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I really need to start living by that. Because by me not talking, things happen, I may or may not like them, and I'll inwardly *or outwardly* bitch when I have no one to blame but myself for my lackage in the communications skills department. I'm going to make a conscious effort to be more vocal and let people know how I feel.
On a completely RANDOM tangent, I got a thimble at NACA that I plan on holding onto for a long long long time. The guy who handed them out got one as a college graduation gift from his mom. She knew he wanted to go to Hollywood to pursue a career and that she couldn't stop him, so she gave him this thimble *well, not my EXACT one* and said, "I want you to take this thimble with you everywhere. Whenever life is not going your way, or you feel down, I want you to take out your thimble. Fill it to the brim with self respect, self esteem, and love. Then, you will feel better. And I will be able to sleep at night." As he handed them out to us, he said, "I want you to take this thimble with you everywhere. Whenever life is not going your way, or you feel down, I want you to take out your thimble. Fill it to the brim with self respect, self esteem, and love. Then, you will feel better. And I will be able to sleep at night." I almost cried. I was just completely and utterly floored that something so tiny could be so significant. I've had it in my pocket all day and I can hear it clinking against the heart in there, a constant reminder that there are people out there who care. And a wake up call to me. How much self esteem and self respect do I have? Not that much. But do I truly have a legit reason for hating myself? I mean, I'm not exactly heinous, I'm nice to almost everyone, and I have yet to kill someone, so I think I'm ok...I guess I'm just not going to go out there like some people and toot my own horn. But enough rambling. There's a comedian tonight. I could use a laugh after this disturbingly deep entry from me of all people.