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Jan 12, 2004 08:24

Apparantly I've joined Sarah in her role of post whore. 3 updates in 2 days...

I wouldn't be posting if it wasn't for the fact that I thought I should explain my mood last night.
Like I said before, I don't do drama. I tend to just brush things off and accept them for what they are. However, when things start building and building, they can't help but to start effecting even the more care-free person.

I know some people thought it was them that was getting to me. I promise you, it wasn't just one person. It was lots of different things all meshing together. Really, what it comes down to is that I'm sick and tired of this whole "Nice guys finish last" bit. It just seems like it's that way for everything. Friendships, relationships, responsibilities and the like. Let's face it, I've been raised in a more proper fashion than most, only because I've had to be. I can't help it, it's just the way it's been. This, as a result, has turned me into a completly honest person, who just simply doesn't play games with anyone. It has made me modest, and has made me quite humble. Because of that, I've got a bit of a sensitivity to actually expressing my true feelings because the self-esteem just isn't there to back me up.
It's not that I don't have low self-esteem, I just don't think I'm as sure of myself as others are. That stops me from being overly forward with anyone.
I'm not all that promiscuous. Someone has to mean a lot to me in order for anything to happen, only because it's a huge risk if anything comes as a result from one too many beers and late-night fooling around. Not that it isn't a risk for anyone, but christ, if I got a girl pregnant, she'd be carrying the future king or queen of England. There's just stuff you have to worry about....
It's all just randomness, but as I told Holly...I'm tired of the drama and just need a break from it.
I left the party last night because I just felt that it was time for me to go. I wasn't being much fun. My brother told me what was said after I left, and now I feel like an ass and am quite embarrassed for the person who thinks so highly of himself, allowing himself to think that he was the cause of my problem. He's a good guy and all and I think of him as a friend, but I hate assumptions and when people assume things about me. God knows it's happened enough to all of us in the public eye to understand that assumptions just aren't a good thing.
One thing that did make last night go right was the fact that I have probably gotten along better with Harry than I have in an extremely long time. We usuaully end up bickering or something of the sort atleast, but Harry was not only calm last night, he was rather helpful, as well. So...thanks little brother, for your advice, insight, and helpful information.
I was also told last night by a friend to pursue something. It was actually something that I had pushed to the back of my mind, but bringing it up made me thinking. Then that got shot down quite quickly. On any other given day, I wouldn't have minded, but last night even all of the little things were building up and everything seemed like a tragedy.
So...right. I am thankful for all the friends that cared, though. Thank you to Holly and Dan, for checking up on me. Thank you to Rachel for caring. Thanks to Harry again, for everything. Thank you to Manda for our ice cream party...ice cream can heal many things. And a big Thank you to Anna Faris (Dr. Anna Faris *sto*) for being a fantastic doctor and providing excellent treatment :)
I promise I'll be back to normal, all. Yesterday was just one of those days....
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