My last night....
Well, Its my last night in Texas. Its such a whirlwind of emotions and strain. I have really enjoyed being with my parents. I miss them so much, and as the holidays get closer, I miss them more and more. This year will be the first year of my life that I haven't spent Thanksgiving with them... and I may miss my Mom's last thanksgiving... How do I justify that? How can I even think it... I don't want to miss it, but life and movement depend on money and I don't have the means to fly here next month.
I spent the day today at the "Old soreheads days and trade fair" in Stanton, Texas. Its an interesting world out here. One, had I not moved to Washington so many years ago, I would probably be living in. That move changed so much...
I spent the day with my mom, I think its the first day thats been mostly us in ages. Dad was at the fair with us, but he dropped us off at the mall and we just hung out. She bought me some clothes, but she didn't have to. I would have been just as happy just being with her. We never do that anymore...
This evening I crawled in bed with her to watch TV. We talked, she had her meds already so she was sleepy. She fell asleep next to me, and Dad crawled in bed, and it was like I was a child again. Safe with my parents, comfortable. But the movie ended... Reality came back,and I crawled out of bed, hugged and kissed my Dad, and kissed my Mom good night. Could this be the last time?
She looks so tiny now. So frail, fragile. Its so easy to forget that she is the same woman who raised me.. so easy to look away from the illness, and pretend this is how she always was... and pretend that, although she is getting worse, she isn't going anywhere. Its easy to believe she is strong and healthy. But I know, one night or one morning, I will get a phone call. I know that one of these goodnights, very possibly this one, will be the last one. How do you come to terms with that? How do you get a grip on that reality?
I am saying goodbye and getting on a plane tomorrow and I don't know on what terms I will be returning. I know the plan, but plans rarely go as directed.
I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want this night to end, I don't want to say goodbye.
I spent the day today at the "Old soreheads days and trade fair" in Stanton, Texas. Its an interesting world out here. One, had I not moved to Washington so many years ago, I would probably be living in. That move changed so much...
I spent the day with my mom, I think its the first day thats been mostly us in ages. Dad was at the fair with us, but he dropped us off at the mall and we just hung out. She bought me some clothes, but she didn't have to. I would have been just as happy just being with her. We never do that anymore...
This evening I crawled in bed with her to watch TV. We talked, she had her meds already so she was sleepy. She fell asleep next to me, and Dad crawled in bed, and it was like I was a child again. Safe with my parents, comfortable. But the movie ended... Reality came back,and I crawled out of bed, hugged and kissed my Dad, and kissed my Mom good night. Could this be the last time?
She looks so tiny now. So frail, fragile. Its so easy to forget that she is the same woman who raised me.. so easy to look away from the illness, and pretend this is how she always was... and pretend that, although she is getting worse, she isn't going anywhere. Its easy to believe she is strong and healthy. But I know, one night or one morning, I will get a phone call. I know that one of these goodnights, very possibly this one, will be the last one. How do you come to terms with that? How do you get a grip on that reality?
I am saying goodbye and getting on a plane tomorrow and I don't know on what terms I will be returning. I know the plan, but plans rarely go as directed.
I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want this night to end, I don't want to say goodbye.