Its happening again....
It seems like lately I am just feeling depressed. I have a few shining moments but then a fairly dark world encompasses me. I know that this happens a lot to me and I also know that there really isn't much I can do about it other than to just ride it out. I am bad at taking a pill everyday, and especially when I feel like this... no routine is normal so anti's are pretty much outt of the question. There are little things, feelings, problems, nothing really big or overwhelming.
I'm tired of not being autonomous and I feel rather trapped in my surroundings. I have outgrown my room and I can't keep it clean for the life of me. I don't want to to move to the bigger one because I like that this one is blue, and I won't paint the other one. I like this one. I just need more space.. like a living room and study.
I hate that I work 80 hours a week and I don't have any money. I hate that I have 2 cavities and I can't afford to go to the dentist.
I don't spend enough time with my parents, and the time spent together I'm trying to figure out how to extract myself from the room. We used to hang out and watch movies together. I liked that.
I'm mad at myself this evening because while Jason was here this morning I let him play by himself instead of playing with him. I was tired. I'm always tired. My sister is so mean to him. She yells at him and says horrible things to him. she expects too much from him. She expects things he is not capable of yet, he hasn't developed that far. She has her baby girl and she doesn't need him anymore. That makes me sad. I am sad for him, and I feel bad that he had to play by himself today because I was very very selfish. So I was tired... I should have had a cup of coffee. He will eventually stop wanting to spend the night here... It will be my own fault. I will make it fun for him from now on. My stuff can wait.. nothing is as important as he is.
ITs almost time for me to be done student teaching. I'm going to miss my kids. Its strange to know that my world will once again be changing. I will sub for the school districts around here... but it won'tbe the same and it will be a constant change. I like where I am... I wish I didn't have to leave.
In general I'm just low. and its a low that doesn't just go away. I am dissapointed in almost everything regarding my self and my life, and thats a hard thing to feel. You look around and think that nothing you ever do is going to be any good, and nothing you have ever done was of any consequence. You wonder why you bother and if you were ever really, truely happy... because you can't remember that time, your brain won't let you. I know I must have been happy once... I can rememeber it when I'm not like this. It will come back... until then... all I can do is wait.