(no subject)
So time just flies by in my life lately it seems. My parents changed their minds and have decided that they will pay for the wedding, but the only stipulation is that it has to be in Jacksonville. So I believe we are going to have it at The Ribault Club and it still should be the same date *07.07.07* which is cool. Oh yeah, I bought my dress! I didn't plan on getting it originally, but I just really liked it so I did. One less thing to worry about. I am still trying to figure out the bridal party and all that jazz. Things seem to be moving along. I need to sit down and write a guest list soon...not looking forward to that haha.
So moving on, all this wedding stuff keeps bringing up stuff about my sister. I haven't spoken to her since March when I called for her birthday (granted, I was late, but at least I still called). I didn't know what to do about putting her in the wedding or not. I never really even told her I was engaged because we haven't spoken. I sent her a graduation announcement to which I got no reply at all, so I decided then that she shouldn't be in the wedding because obviously she isn't making a single effort to be involved in my life even when I try. I was talking to Morgan last night and she told me that my sister had messaged her on Myspace, so I went and found her page and it just made me sad. I saw all these pictures of my nephew who is so cute and growing so fast. I want to have a relationship with my sister more than anything, but she makes it nearly impossible. I always let myself get too close to her and then she turns around and gets mad about something and just says awful things to me. I don't handle such conflict very well and I can't subject myself to someone like that. So I am rather torn. She is my only sibling, so there is that part of me that wants to be able to talk to her and be part of her life and have her be part of mine, but on the other hand I just can't handle the emotional toll that it takes on me over and over again. I guess it is a sort of self preservation or something. It's hard to express what I am feeling, because it isn't just one feeling. I feel sad, angry, hopeful, betrayed...etc. I just don't know what to do. Brent always tells me not to worry about it, but that is easier said than done. I know other people have problems with siblings, and that usually seem to clear up, but she is 24 with a husband and child, shouldn't have she grown out of this by now? I dunno. I friended on Myspace, and I know she has been on since I did so, and I got no approval or reply. It's just frustrating because I don't want it to bother me, but it does. I just want to forget I have a sister most of the time. I look at people with siblings that they can talk to and it makes me so jealous and sad. I want that, but I don't think I will ever have it. I just need to continue to be the bigger person reach out to her every now and then. Maybe at some point she will return the gesture. She knows I am engaged because she saw it on my page, so I have no idea what she thinks about it. She doesn't like Brent at all even though Brent has never done anything negative towards her. I think she is intimidated by him because he has a strong personality and is very intelligent. She normally doesn't like to be around people like that, don't ask me why though. So this is my dilemma. I don't know what to do.
Otherwise, things are good. I continue to enjoy school and I actually ended up with an 89 on my anatomy exam because some questions had to be adjusted so that was nice.
Things will be ok, I know they will. It just builds up in me every now and then and that forces me to deal with it, which is something that I would rather not do at this point. Oh well, such is life.
So moving on, all this wedding stuff keeps bringing up stuff about my sister. I haven't spoken to her since March when I called for her birthday (granted, I was late, but at least I still called). I didn't know what to do about putting her in the wedding or not. I never really even told her I was engaged because we haven't spoken. I sent her a graduation announcement to which I got no reply at all, so I decided then that she shouldn't be in the wedding because obviously she isn't making a single effort to be involved in my life even when I try. I was talking to Morgan last night and she told me that my sister had messaged her on Myspace, so I went and found her page and it just made me sad. I saw all these pictures of my nephew who is so cute and growing so fast. I want to have a relationship with my sister more than anything, but she makes it nearly impossible. I always let myself get too close to her and then she turns around and gets mad about something and just says awful things to me. I don't handle such conflict very well and I can't subject myself to someone like that. So I am rather torn. She is my only sibling, so there is that part of me that wants to be able to talk to her and be part of her life and have her be part of mine, but on the other hand I just can't handle the emotional toll that it takes on me over and over again. I guess it is a sort of self preservation or something. It's hard to express what I am feeling, because it isn't just one feeling. I feel sad, angry, hopeful, betrayed...etc. I just don't know what to do. Brent always tells me not to worry about it, but that is easier said than done. I know other people have problems with siblings, and that usually seem to clear up, but she is 24 with a husband and child, shouldn't have she grown out of this by now? I dunno. I friended on Myspace, and I know she has been on since I did so, and I got no approval or reply. It's just frustrating because I don't want it to bother me, but it does. I just want to forget I have a sister most of the time. I look at people with siblings that they can talk to and it makes me so jealous and sad. I want that, but I don't think I will ever have it. I just need to continue to be the bigger person reach out to her every now and then. Maybe at some point she will return the gesture. She knows I am engaged because she saw it on my page, so I have no idea what she thinks about it. She doesn't like Brent at all even though Brent has never done anything negative towards her. I think she is intimidated by him because he has a strong personality and is very intelligent. She normally doesn't like to be around people like that, don't ask me why though. So this is my dilemma. I don't know what to do.
Otherwise, things are good. I continue to enjoy school and I actually ended up with an 89 on my anatomy exam because some questions had to be adjusted so that was nice.
Things will be ok, I know they will. It just builds up in me every now and then and that forces me to deal with it, which is something that I would rather not do at this point. Oh well, such is life.