(no subject)
so i was starting to get sick on Thursday night with an earache and sore throat..but i went Friday and bought some dimetapp and im feeling SO much better. thank God for that stuff..the last time i started to get an earache, that stuff worked.
i have been feeling anxious though. theres just these times during the day where i feel like either depressed/sad or just plain anxious like im waiting for something to happen. i cant pinpoint it exactly..like i feel like i might have an anxiety attack at any moment for no given reason. its really weird. i have felt fine so far today though. yesterday was better, i only felt like that one time but Friday i felt like that almost the whole day. maybe it had to do with the fact that i felt sick. i dunno. i hate those feelings and i hate it even more cuz they happen for no reason. i can say that im tired of the guilty feelings i always have. its over everyting esp food. if i even think about being hungry, i instantly feel like i have done something REALLY wrong. i feel guitly like i just robbed a store or something. ugh. i hate this. i hate that this ED wants to take over my life and that im never fully happy. im not good enough..i go to the gym and i feel good for a minute and then i think to myself: that wasnt good enough...you should have stayed 2 hours instead of an hour and half..or whatever. its like i cant ever be perfect or live up to my ideas of perfect no matter what i do. im mad at myself about 95% of the time cuz im not perfect. i feel like such a failure at everything i do..i will never be good enough. never. and i hate that. i hate me for the most part. its to the point where its like why do people like me? why would RJ want me? why would God love me? yeah..maybe this is the root of all my anxiety.
anyway..on a better note..i went shopping yesterday. nothing like good old retail therapy. haha Tara went with me and we had a good time. we got yummy smoothies..they were so good and refreshing. i have been 5416574867 times more thirsty these last couple of days than i normally am. heres what i got:
--pink striped button doen shirt from Aero
--2 thongs from Aero that tie on the sides: one is pink and white with a butterfly and the other is blue and white with a butterfly [since they were 4 for $18..i let Tara get 2]
--MAC lipglass in PRRR
--MAC Tasti Lipglass in Sweet Brule
--body lotion, cleansing cream and body spray in Romantic Wish from Victoria Secret
--leopard slippers
--Valentines day socks..i got 2 pairs and gave one to my mom
so it was fun and i just ordered 2 things from urbandecay.com..i got lip stain and bronzing powder and then i got a free XXX Shine Palette. yeah shopping makes me feel better in a way. hehe
last night RJ took me to see The Butterfly Effect. i thought it was good, RJ said it was ok. it was just freaky a bit and crazy. but i liked it. i wish people would stop running their mouths in movie theatres..why pay all that money to see a movie and then talk almost thru the whole thing? i dont get it. this one woman behind kept talking to the guy she was with and talking how she didnt understand what was happening and what was going to happen next..im thinking: shut up and watch the fuckin movie. blah. oh well...
so its supposed to snow here tonight. im hoping it will, but i dont wanna get my hopes up too much either. i dont wanna be disappointed like i was last time. it would be nice to have off from work tomorrow..i doubt they will ever cancel class though, the college will prolly open at 11 and thats when i have class. thats how my luck is it seems..so i better do my homework.
i have been feeling anxious though. theres just these times during the day where i feel like either depressed/sad or just plain anxious like im waiting for something to happen. i cant pinpoint it exactly..like i feel like i might have an anxiety attack at any moment for no given reason. its really weird. i have felt fine so far today though. yesterday was better, i only felt like that one time but Friday i felt like that almost the whole day. maybe it had to do with the fact that i felt sick. i dunno. i hate those feelings and i hate it even more cuz they happen for no reason. i can say that im tired of the guilty feelings i always have. its over everyting esp food. if i even think about being hungry, i instantly feel like i have done something REALLY wrong. i feel guitly like i just robbed a store or something. ugh. i hate this. i hate that this ED wants to take over my life and that im never fully happy. im not good enough..i go to the gym and i feel good for a minute and then i think to myself: that wasnt good enough...you should have stayed 2 hours instead of an hour and half..or whatever. its like i cant ever be perfect or live up to my ideas of perfect no matter what i do. im mad at myself about 95% of the time cuz im not perfect. i feel like such a failure at everything i do..i will never be good enough. never. and i hate that. i hate me for the most part. its to the point where its like why do people like me? why would RJ want me? why would God love me? yeah..maybe this is the root of all my anxiety.
anyway..on a better note..i went shopping yesterday. nothing like good old retail therapy. haha Tara went with me and we had a good time. we got yummy smoothies..they were so good and refreshing. i have been 5416574867 times more thirsty these last couple of days than i normally am. heres what i got:
--pink striped button doen shirt from Aero
--2 thongs from Aero that tie on the sides: one is pink and white with a butterfly and the other is blue and white with a butterfly [since they were 4 for $18..i let Tara get 2]
--MAC lipglass in PRRR
--MAC Tasti Lipglass in Sweet Brule
--body lotion, cleansing cream and body spray in Romantic Wish from Victoria Secret
--leopard slippers
--Valentines day socks..i got 2 pairs and gave one to my mom
so it was fun and i just ordered 2 things from urbandecay.com..i got lip stain and bronzing powder and then i got a free XXX Shine Palette. yeah shopping makes me feel better in a way. hehe
last night RJ took me to see The Butterfly Effect. i thought it was good, RJ said it was ok. it was just freaky a bit and crazy. but i liked it. i wish people would stop running their mouths in movie theatres..why pay all that money to see a movie and then talk almost thru the whole thing? i dont get it. this one woman behind kept talking to the guy she was with and talking how she didnt understand what was happening and what was going to happen next..im thinking: shut up and watch the fuckin movie. blah. oh well...
so its supposed to snow here tonight. im hoping it will, but i dont wanna get my hopes up too much either. i dont wanna be disappointed like i was last time. it would be nice to have off from work tomorrow..i doubt they will ever cancel class though, the college will prolly open at 11 and thats when i have class. thats how my luck is it seems..so i better do my homework.