rant.
Ok, so OMG. I'm not dead and want to vent and I guess LJ is as good a place as any at 12.30 in the morning.
I can't believe that at 26, I can be more responsible than my mother. Is it wrong to be ashamed of your parents? I mean deeply. If my mother ends up overdosing or something and dies I end up with twoo kids. How the hell am I going to raise two kids? I have $500 to my name and work all the time............ARGH! I feel like my relationship with my mother is less a relationship and more a running list of the sacrifices she had to make for us kids. Her life hasn't turned out the way she wanted. So she lays blame. She blames her abusive father, her abusive husband. Does she think of me in the same light? Another male who only represents that which she dreamed of and never got. Is she still mad at me for my teenage years? Will I ever actually have a relationship with my mother? How am I going to navigate this so that if the worst happens I can bear all the responsibility that she couldn't? God, I'd have to do it all. Mike and Trish couldn't make arrangements and deal with lawyers. then the two kids! Would I have to move back to Chicago? Would it be healthy or disruptive to move the kids here?
I am so lost. Every time i think I'm on a road that goes somewhere I end up having to grapple with the same damn issues I have dealt with since childhood. the same fucking insecurities and bull shit that made me feel so insecure as a teenager. And if I can't finally put my baby issues to rest, then how the hell am I going to raise two kids, buy a house, save for retirement, finish college cause I know I have to dammit! Quit smoking! QUIT SMOKING.
Beer.
I can't believe that at 26, I can be more responsible than my mother. Is it wrong to be ashamed of your parents? I mean deeply. If my mother ends up overdosing or something and dies I end up with twoo kids. How the hell am I going to raise two kids? I have $500 to my name and work all the time............ARGH! I feel like my relationship with my mother is less a relationship and more a running list of the sacrifices she had to make for us kids. Her life hasn't turned out the way she wanted. So she lays blame. She blames her abusive father, her abusive husband. Does she think of me in the same light? Another male who only represents that which she dreamed of and never got. Is she still mad at me for my teenage years? Will I ever actually have a relationship with my mother? How am I going to navigate this so that if the worst happens I can bear all the responsibility that she couldn't? God, I'd have to do it all. Mike and Trish couldn't make arrangements and deal with lawyers. then the two kids! Would I have to move back to Chicago? Would it be healthy or disruptive to move the kids here?
I am so lost. Every time i think I'm on a road that goes somewhere I end up having to grapple with the same damn issues I have dealt with since childhood. the same fucking insecurities and bull shit that made me feel so insecure as a teenager. And if I can't finally put my baby issues to rest, then how the hell am I going to raise two kids, buy a house, save for retirement, finish college cause I know I have to dammit! Quit smoking! QUIT SMOKING.
Beer.