lots and lots
okay, it's been a while, and a ton has happened. but i don't know how long i will have, so i will start with the most important things first.
starting with tuesday. (the rest of the picture will make more sense if i start here) i went over to brett's, and we hung around till alost eleven, i was filming him playing guitar for a project. he said he wanted me to give hom some of my lyrics so that he can put them to music. he can write music easily, and not lyrics. i can write lyrics easily, but not music. it's all good. anyways, i had a blast. we ended up in his room, sitting on his bed. i will say the night was awesome...
yesterday sucked. everything about it. from chloe arguing about everything, to mom yelling at me about everything. she's pissed cuz i hadn't eaten all day, but when i asked her to stop for food, she flipped out "do you think we have that kind of money!?" and when i said i was going to pay for myself, she criticized my order, saying that i needed to eat healthy because i'm gaining so much weight.
i didn't end up eating.
last night, i had a huge breakdown. it was just after mom and dad had left. i felt like hurting myself. i wanted to kill myself. i took the phone from chloe, and tried to call someone to help me, called aspenledge to talk to gail. before she even got on the phone, chloe disconnected the phone. i started screaming, and swearing, and i think she must have thought i was going to hurt her, because she darted out of the room faster than i've ever seen her move. my hands were shaking like mad as i tried to plug the phone back in. i tried to call again, and chloe did something else to disconnect it. i began crying uncontrolably, and ran all around the house, yelling and screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!" she yelled from inside her locked bedroom, "im expecting a call from ellie! i need the phone!" I just screamed as loud and long as i could, and body slammed the door a couple times, then ran down the stairs and out the front door.
i ran all the way down parker point, and when i got to the phone booth, i tried to call beth collect, but she doesn't accept collect calls. i had no where to go, it was almost nine thirty, so no stores were open for me to use the phone, and i had left the house without grabbing my wallet. i started walking up the hill to tradewinds, without the slightest clue what i was going to do. i fell to the ground, and cried. then stood back up, and continued to walk, decided to try and hitch into sedgwick. i got picked up by the second car, and they drove me to the meginnis' house.
when i got there, beth answered the door, and let me cry, and try to explain what was going on. then she made me some tea, and asked if i wanted to talk to brett.
i went downstairs, and he and connor and mike were watching tv. brett was sitting on the couch in just his boxars. of course, the only free seat was beside him. mike and connor went to bed, and brett was playing music for me, singing too. i swear, if i hadn't been so upset.... i cant believe how much he calmed me down. he was playing finch, and i am in love with "ender", it's fucking beautiful, and i'm ging to buy the cd.
beth called my house, and let them know that it was alright for me to stay the night. i didn't sleep at all, just listened to music all night long, crying on and off.
this morning i got out of bed, and talked with beth for a couple hours. and this is what has happened
i called my therapist, and have an appointment with her and my parents on monday. i need to explain what is going on, and what i plan to do.
i called my caseworker, and left a message. when she calls back, i'm going to ask her to help me find an independant living program so i can get my ged, a job and an apartment around the bangor area. then i will save up money, for college.
and now i'm searching the internet for information about summit view, chcs and job corps. i know a girl from summit view. she's in my dbt group, and yesterday she gave me her number. i called her just before coming here, and asked her about the program, she said that there's an opening right now. i'm planning on calling them again to get an application later today.
whew. i sure just typed a lot in a short ammount of time.
beth told me that if things are hard again, i can call her and she will come and pick me up from there. so no i have two possible safehavens away from home.
umm, i dunno what else to say. i'm tired, i haven't eaten for two days, and i haven't slept. i'm a wreck... oh well. things will hopefully get better. that's what brett told me this morning...
starting with tuesday. (the rest of the picture will make more sense if i start here) i went over to brett's, and we hung around till alost eleven, i was filming him playing guitar for a project. he said he wanted me to give hom some of my lyrics so that he can put them to music. he can write music easily, and not lyrics. i can write lyrics easily, but not music. it's all good. anyways, i had a blast. we ended up in his room, sitting on his bed. i will say the night was awesome...
yesterday sucked. everything about it. from chloe arguing about everything, to mom yelling at me about everything. she's pissed cuz i hadn't eaten all day, but when i asked her to stop for food, she flipped out "do you think we have that kind of money!?" and when i said i was going to pay for myself, she criticized my order, saying that i needed to eat healthy because i'm gaining so much weight.
i didn't end up eating.
last night, i had a huge breakdown. it was just after mom and dad had left. i felt like hurting myself. i wanted to kill myself. i took the phone from chloe, and tried to call someone to help me, called aspenledge to talk to gail. before she even got on the phone, chloe disconnected the phone. i started screaming, and swearing, and i think she must have thought i was going to hurt her, because she darted out of the room faster than i've ever seen her move. my hands were shaking like mad as i tried to plug the phone back in. i tried to call again, and chloe did something else to disconnect it. i began crying uncontrolably, and ran all around the house, yelling and screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!" she yelled from inside her locked bedroom, "im expecting a call from ellie! i need the phone!" I just screamed as loud and long as i could, and body slammed the door a couple times, then ran down the stairs and out the front door.
i ran all the way down parker point, and when i got to the phone booth, i tried to call beth collect, but she doesn't accept collect calls. i had no where to go, it was almost nine thirty, so no stores were open for me to use the phone, and i had left the house without grabbing my wallet. i started walking up the hill to tradewinds, without the slightest clue what i was going to do. i fell to the ground, and cried. then stood back up, and continued to walk, decided to try and hitch into sedgwick. i got picked up by the second car, and they drove me to the meginnis' house.
when i got there, beth answered the door, and let me cry, and try to explain what was going on. then she made me some tea, and asked if i wanted to talk to brett.
i went downstairs, and he and connor and mike were watching tv. brett was sitting on the couch in just his boxars. of course, the only free seat was beside him. mike and connor went to bed, and brett was playing music for me, singing too. i swear, if i hadn't been so upset.... i cant believe how much he calmed me down. he was playing finch, and i am in love with "ender", it's fucking beautiful, and i'm ging to buy the cd.
beth called my house, and let them know that it was alright for me to stay the night. i didn't sleep at all, just listened to music all night long, crying on and off.
this morning i got out of bed, and talked with beth for a couple hours. and this is what has happened
i called my therapist, and have an appointment with her and my parents on monday. i need to explain what is going on, and what i plan to do.
i called my caseworker, and left a message. when she calls back, i'm going to ask her to help me find an independant living program so i can get my ged, a job and an apartment around the bangor area. then i will save up money, for college.
and now i'm searching the internet for information about summit view, chcs and job corps. i know a girl from summit view. she's in my dbt group, and yesterday she gave me her number. i called her just before coming here, and asked her about the program, she said that there's an opening right now. i'm planning on calling them again to get an application later today.
whew. i sure just typed a lot in a short ammount of time.
beth told me that if things are hard again, i can call her and she will come and pick me up from there. so no i have two possible safehavens away from home.
umm, i dunno what else to say. i'm tired, i haven't eaten for two days, and i haven't slept. i'm a wreck... oh well. things will hopefully get better. that's what brett told me this morning...