HOLY TOLITO, BATMAN!!
yay, livejournal!
sigh
i work tonight, so that means i have a bunch of free time between classes and one o'clock when i start work. it's almost noon.
on a lighter note, i'm going to be bumming darin's bass so that i can learn to play. i already know how to play one song, 'song numer two' by blur, but that song consists of like, five bass notes, so it's insanely easy. i've always wanted to play bass, so this is going to be fun.
oy. i think my parents are going to be getting a divorce sometime quite soon. i don't even know what to think. mom hasn't been home for almost three weeks, and when i asked dad last night what was going on, he mentioned 'splitting up', so i'm not sure what to think. of course i don't want my parents to get a divorce. but it's not like i have a say in it. all i want is for this insanity to stop.
i was laying in bed last night, and for some reason, i wasn't tired. i hate that. when you're so exhausted, then you get into bed, and you can't fall asleep. i was just, laying there, and kiss was walking around on my feet. every time i moved, she purred and pounced on my foot. then i started crying. i still don't wuite know why. maybe just because of everything. i've been so alone lately. i hate being alone. i don't have many friends here at school. i don't really know many people at all. i have no boyfriend. that has always been a problem. i guess i crave relationships. i haven't had a boyfriend, for, gosh, a long time, i think my last boyfriend was davis. i can't really even count him as a boyfriend, i was with him for all of like, four days. then i was in acadia, or at the house. then there was grant, and that was interesting. can't quite call that a relationship either, what with being at aspenledge. so my last real boyfriend, was sean. that's depressing. i'm doing better. i don't plan on ever speaking to him again.he says i'm the whore, when i loved him so completely, with every ounce of myself. no one can call me a whore anymore. i had enough of that when i was four years old, i don't need it from him, or anyone.
that is something that really pisses me off. i don't tell people about the things i've lived through for pity. i don't tell them because i want them to feel sorry for me, and see how strong i am. i tell them, because they need to understand that i have problems resulting from the abuse. i tell them so that maybe they'll understand that i have issues with certain things. that if an abusive boyfriend aproaches me when he's drunk, he's going to get what he wants, no matter how much i love my boyfriend. i wanted sean to understand, that i am slightly fucked in the head, because my life has been treatened so many times by people that i love. i wanted him to understand that sleeping with anyone was a HUGE deal for me. it usually a huge deal, but when you factor in every time i've been sexually abused, it makes it even more emotional.
but he is closed minded. he only thinks about how what i did hurt him, and how it was wrong. he doesn't seem to understand that the things that happened hurt me as well. he may be very smart, but in certain areas, he's very stupid.
i've just rambled into a direction i didn't want to head into.it seems that whenever i'm upset, i end up ranting about sean.
i was talking about being alone. that's why i cry.
sigh
i work tonight, so that means i have a bunch of free time between classes and one o'clock when i start work. it's almost noon.
on a lighter note, i'm going to be bumming darin's bass so that i can learn to play. i already know how to play one song, 'song numer two' by blur, but that song consists of like, five bass notes, so it's insanely easy. i've always wanted to play bass, so this is going to be fun.
oy. i think my parents are going to be getting a divorce sometime quite soon. i don't even know what to think. mom hasn't been home for almost three weeks, and when i asked dad last night what was going on, he mentioned 'splitting up', so i'm not sure what to think. of course i don't want my parents to get a divorce. but it's not like i have a say in it. all i want is for this insanity to stop.
i was laying in bed last night, and for some reason, i wasn't tired. i hate that. when you're so exhausted, then you get into bed, and you can't fall asleep. i was just, laying there, and kiss was walking around on my feet. every time i moved, she purred and pounced on my foot. then i started crying. i still don't wuite know why. maybe just because of everything. i've been so alone lately. i hate being alone. i don't have many friends here at school. i don't really know many people at all. i have no boyfriend. that has always been a problem. i guess i crave relationships. i haven't had a boyfriend, for, gosh, a long time, i think my last boyfriend was davis. i can't really even count him as a boyfriend, i was with him for all of like, four days. then i was in acadia, or at the house. then there was grant, and that was interesting. can't quite call that a relationship either, what with being at aspenledge. so my last real boyfriend, was sean. that's depressing. i'm doing better. i don't plan on ever speaking to him again.he says i'm the whore, when i loved him so completely, with every ounce of myself. no one can call me a whore anymore. i had enough of that when i was four years old, i don't need it from him, or anyone.
that is something that really pisses me off. i don't tell people about the things i've lived through for pity. i don't tell them because i want them to feel sorry for me, and see how strong i am. i tell them, because they need to understand that i have problems resulting from the abuse. i tell them so that maybe they'll understand that i have issues with certain things. that if an abusive boyfriend aproaches me when he's drunk, he's going to get what he wants, no matter how much i love my boyfriend. i wanted sean to understand, that i am slightly fucked in the head, because my life has been treatened so many times by people that i love. i wanted him to understand that sleeping with anyone was a HUGE deal for me. it usually a huge deal, but when you factor in every time i've been sexually abused, it makes it even more emotional.
but he is closed minded. he only thinks about how what i did hurt him, and how it was wrong. he doesn't seem to understand that the things that happened hurt me as well. he may be very smart, but in certain areas, he's very stupid.
i've just rambled into a direction i didn't want to head into.it seems that whenever i'm upset, i end up ranting about sean.
i was talking about being alone. that's why i cry.