exposing myself.......
::stretches her arms above her head and yawns::
Life is getting better and better.
::Cracks her neck and lays on her bed::
at least it's good compared to how it was, say, six months ago...
has it really been that long? May... yes, six months. The fear, the darkness, the pain, have mostly disapeared since then....
~...I don't even remember walking through the halls in school. I don't remember the faces of my friends, anything about that morning. I remember the fear though. I remember not being able to stand...the dizziness...the nausea... I didn't want to be there....not at the hospital...I wanted to be in some dark corner...alone...alone with my pain...the pain of...death. Suicide. such a small word, used often, without many knowing the real meaning...
before I knew anything else, I was on a table, without my clothes on...covered in a small hospital coat. They attatched stickys on my chest and stomach. I didn't want them there, they itched. I couldn't feel much else...itch, nausea, cold. I wasn't expecting the fear. I guess I didn't even know that somewhere..deep inside...
Damnit, why can't I be strong? You'd think that if you lived through the shit I have....waking up to my brother covering your face with saran wrap, trying to smother me. Sitting on the counter...Memorial day...and he wraps an extension chord around my neck...
4 years old...he's comming into my room at night...doing things I could tell no one...fear of having my life taken away from me...
fought for my life....lost my innocence.....
12 years old...he's comming into my room...the one I've trusted...my only friend...I could say nothing...
15 years old...lying on a hospital table, throwing up on the floor. I could see the little pink pills on the floor, surrounded by throw up. I can't think...There's the pain of a needle in my arm....why do I need an iv? I can't breath...even with the tubes up my nose...giving me oxygen...I can't breath...
And it's then I realise...I want to live....the smallest part of me wants to live. And it's too late...I'm suffocating...
I wake up, inside an ambulance, strapped to a bed. I won't be going home...~
Life is getting better and better.
::Cracks her neck and lays on her bed::
at least it's good compared to how it was, say, six months ago...
has it really been that long? May... yes, six months. The fear, the darkness, the pain, have mostly disapeared since then....
~...I don't even remember walking through the halls in school. I don't remember the faces of my friends, anything about that morning. I remember the fear though. I remember not being able to stand...the dizziness...the nausea... I didn't want to be there....not at the hospital...I wanted to be in some dark corner...alone...alone with my pain...the pain of...death. Suicide. such a small word, used often, without many knowing the real meaning...
before I knew anything else, I was on a table, without my clothes on...covered in a small hospital coat. They attatched stickys on my chest and stomach. I didn't want them there, they itched. I couldn't feel much else...itch, nausea, cold. I wasn't expecting the fear. I guess I didn't even know that somewhere..deep inside...
Damnit, why can't I be strong? You'd think that if you lived through the shit I have....waking up to my brother covering your face with saran wrap, trying to smother me. Sitting on the counter...Memorial day...and he wraps an extension chord around my neck...
4 years old...he's comming into my room at night...doing things I could tell no one...fear of having my life taken away from me...
fought for my life....lost my innocence.....
12 years old...he's comming into my room...the one I've trusted...my only friend...I could say nothing...
15 years old...lying on a hospital table, throwing up on the floor. I could see the little pink pills on the floor, surrounded by throw up. I can't think...There's the pain of a needle in my arm....why do I need an iv? I can't breath...even with the tubes up my nose...giving me oxygen...I can't breath...
And it's then I realise...I want to live....the smallest part of me wants to live. And it's too late...I'm suffocating...
I wake up, inside an ambulance, strapped to a bed. I won't be going home...~