(no subject)
Today officially marks 3 years since I have had a father that I could hug. Now I have a father I can look at in pictures and watch in old home movies. But you see the problem with that is....you can't touch people in pictures or movies.
3 years ago today I climbed into my parents bed and kissed my father on the forehead and said goodbye.I watched the nurse come and do alot of writing. and then two men came and took my father away. I took the sheets of of the bed and washed them, but we saved dad's pillowcase, it still smells like him to this day. I watched as my mother lost her soul mate and my heart broke more knowing that my family suffered a loss that day that I can't ever make better. I watched the man that I always saw as superman pass...I watched for 6 months as cancer killed the first man I ever loved. I spent so many days watching tv and movies with him and bullshitting. And it all ended on that day. He coudn't talk or really move in the end, and all I wanted was a hug or even a story. But I won't ever hear anymore of his stories.
My father will never know the man that I will marry, he will never meet my son and never be able to stress to him the importance of lionel trains in a young boys life. He will never know the joy of watching all three of his children have families of there own. He will never be greeted at the door by boys yelling "hoop, hoop".He will never buy my mom flowers again. He will never open another birthday, father's day or christmas gift again. He will never get to retire with my mother, which he always talked about. He will never sing "I'm to sexy" in his elmer fudd voice to make me laugh again. He will never do anything again.
My sister and i never got to hand our sons to our father to hold, and get to say "dad meet your grandson". I will never know what my father would have thought of michael. Michael never had to go through the dad interrogation, never had to ask my father for my hand. I will never know what it feels like to have my father give me away. I will never know what he might have said to me as we danced at my wedding.
People say that as time passes, it get's easier. But every year that has passed I am reminded of new things in my life that he will never be a part of and I will never get to tell him.
I know that I am lucky that it was something I knew was coming. But it in no way made it easier. No child should ever have to watch what cancer can do to a parent. Not a single day passes that something doesn't remind me of my father and the great man that we lost 3 years ago.
3 years ago today I watched the bravest, most loving, strongest man I know...fade away into pictures and videos....and it hasn't stopped hurting since.
3 years ago today I climbed into my parents bed and kissed my father on the forehead and said goodbye.I watched the nurse come and do alot of writing. and then two men came and took my father away. I took the sheets of of the bed and washed them, but we saved dad's pillowcase, it still smells like him to this day. I watched as my mother lost her soul mate and my heart broke more knowing that my family suffered a loss that day that I can't ever make better. I watched the man that I always saw as superman pass...I watched for 6 months as cancer killed the first man I ever loved. I spent so many days watching tv and movies with him and bullshitting. And it all ended on that day. He coudn't talk or really move in the end, and all I wanted was a hug or even a story. But I won't ever hear anymore of his stories.
My father will never know the man that I will marry, he will never meet my son and never be able to stress to him the importance of lionel trains in a young boys life. He will never know the joy of watching all three of his children have families of there own. He will never be greeted at the door by boys yelling "hoop, hoop".He will never buy my mom flowers again. He will never open another birthday, father's day or christmas gift again. He will never get to retire with my mother, which he always talked about. He will never sing "I'm to sexy" in his elmer fudd voice to make me laugh again. He will never do anything again.
My sister and i never got to hand our sons to our father to hold, and get to say "dad meet your grandson". I will never know what my father would have thought of michael. Michael never had to go through the dad interrogation, never had to ask my father for my hand. I will never know what it feels like to have my father give me away. I will never know what he might have said to me as we danced at my wedding.
People say that as time passes, it get's easier. But every year that has passed I am reminded of new things in my life that he will never be a part of and I will never get to tell him.
I know that I am lucky that it was something I knew was coming. But it in no way made it easier. No child should ever have to watch what cancer can do to a parent. Not a single day passes that something doesn't remind me of my father and the great man that we lost 3 years ago.
3 years ago today I watched the bravest, most loving, strongest man I know...fade away into pictures and videos....and it hasn't stopped hurting since.