(no subject)
March 30th, 2008. That was the moment I saw you and I allowed you to see me for the first time. You kissed me and I pretended I was sleeping so that you wouldn't have to explain yourself. I've been quiet since then, so you wouldn't have to explain yourself. I am understanding and patient because I love you, care about you, and I never want to hurt you. I hurt you all the time unintentionally, as it is, so I don't want to do it consciously. But you don't seem to have much problem hurting me intentionally and unintentionally. And I let you. I have never been fully blind to all of your indiscretions, I just give allowances that you never ask for because I think you have too much on your plate. You're not made of glass. If I leave you, you won't be faced with great harm. You'll get over me with any other girl you want. So maybe it is for me that I ignore your lies? You think I can't see through them? I see through every one. I know when you are with her. I know when you aren't truly with me even when we're in the same room. I get very jealous. But what right do I have to get jealous? We have never been what I have wanted all these years. You have made sure that I have no right. Maybe 3 years isn't that long, but for me, I have been faithfully yours that entire time, so to me, it feels much longer. For you, you don't remember what it is to be a loyal lover. Why would I want you now when you've proven you aren't the man I fell in love with? You've proven only that you aren't who I thought you could be. You told me you wanted to be the man in black, so I treated you like him because I had faith in you to be who you wanted to be. I thought that you really wanted that, but it turns out you never truly wanted to be him. You can be anyone you want to be. I see who you are now, though, and I never would have pictured you as this man. The man who constantly lies to me but still takes care of me. You used me until I was no good for you or anyone else anymore. You ruined me. I'm only fit for you, and you don't want me. You're half good and half bad now. I'm terrified to see which part of you will emerge after everything has been said and done. So why should I continue to give my heart to you? Just to make up for the hurt I caused you? Just to make up for the pain, I should continue loving you? You know, it's not like I really have a choice anyway, to be honest. I am yours now, have been, and forever will be. It's not something I am capable of changing. The real question is, can I let you go knowing all this? I know I need to. You may miss me at first, nothing close to the way I will miss you, but you'll get over me quick enough. I won't get over you that fast and I know I will suffer. But how can I eventually find someone who will love me like I deserve if I don't get over you somehow? Pain, for me, is inevitable.
Why can't you love me? That's what I wonder. You have told me multiple times that women can have whatever they want of a man, but that's not true at all. All I want as a woman, of you, a man, is to love me like I love you and to be mine, faithfully, forever. I don't think it is too much to ask for you to be my "love and loyal friend, until the end," as suggested by romantic love songs like Tal Bachman's "Beside You." That's not too much to ask. We all deserve it. Neither of us are that young anymore as it is. You are 27 years old, I will be 26 this September. When SHOULD we grow up? I guess you don't want to, so I should leave you to figure that out on your own. Maybe when I grow up, you'll see how happy I can be and want that too. Most likely, however, you'll just replace me with her and she'll make you feel less depressed about losing me. And she'll be your girl because you don't want to lose anyone else. I can see it all now. And I can hate you for it now too. But I can never hate you, can I?
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Why can't you love me? That's what I wonder. You have told me multiple times that women can have whatever they want of a man, but that's not true at all. All I want as a woman, of you, a man, is to love me like I love you and to be mine, faithfully, forever. I don't think it is too much to ask for you to be my "love and loyal friend, until the end," as suggested by romantic love songs like Tal Bachman's "Beside You." That's not too much to ask. We all deserve it. Neither of us are that young anymore as it is. You are 27 years old, I will be 26 this September. When SHOULD we grow up? I guess you don't want to, so I should leave you to figure that out on your own. Maybe when I grow up, you'll see how happy I can be and want that too. Most likely, however, you'll just replace me with her and she'll make you feel less depressed about losing me. And she'll be your girl because you don't want to lose anyone else. I can see it all now. And I can hate you for it now too. But I can never hate you, can I?
Posted via m.livejournal.com.