And I Can Breathe Again
Now Im all kinds of fucked up. I woke up really positive this morning, and now I feel like crap again.
I should just keep positive. Most of the things that I am worried about are things that I just make up in my mind. Long Distance is so hard - you have no idea what they are doing, or who they are doing it with most of the time. I do trust him, as much as you can trust anyone. Ive always had the fear of being the "stupid girl" though. I fear being so in love with someone only to turn around and realize you are a fucking idiot and all along they were sleeping with this girl, or thinking about that girl. Seems like no matter how good you are, how funny you try to be, how wonderful you act, there is always someone else isnt there? And that person may not be better than you, or they might, but then you get the spiel about how all guys are the same, and guys are meant to hunt and chase and not meant to commit and blah blah. Thats why Ive always done it to them before they could do it to me.
But with Bill, I dont WANT to. Thats the thing, I dont WANT anyone else, not even just a little. Not even to look at. And that scares me too. Because I have always had the security that if the guy left me I could just go out and be with someone else. But this one is different. If this one leaves me, then I am screwed. Im hurt and screwed and Ill be messed up for far too long.
And hes still young, hitting 24. What makes me think that hes not going to want his freedom? And hes 20 hours away, what makes me think that hes not going to want something there, closer? We wont be in the same city for at least a year ... what makes me think that I am special enough for him to just stay with me, when there are so many other things?
And when did I get so insecure? I thought love was supposed to make you feel wonderful, instead it makes you feel like shit most of the time.
Things have been so much better between us. He is really treating me the way that Ive always wanted to be treated, and I appreciate it. I dont want to lose him. Things going better are helping, but I dont know that Ill ever get rid of that silly insecurity. I thought I had outgrown it, but I suppose I was mistaken.
I just want my head to rest, even for a second. I want to just sleep at night without this fear. The horrible thoughts and feelings all really started last weekend, and hopefully this is just a hang over of those. After all that happened, I find it hard to trust that hell stick around, or that he loves me. Sometimes he says it and I cant figure out why hes saying it - he cant really feel that way. Sometimes I feel like Im just a big fucking joke to him. Other times, I think he may just actually care, and those are great feelings.
Im a mess. Welcome to my life.
I should just keep positive. Most of the things that I am worried about are things that I just make up in my mind. Long Distance is so hard - you have no idea what they are doing, or who they are doing it with most of the time. I do trust him, as much as you can trust anyone. Ive always had the fear of being the "stupid girl" though. I fear being so in love with someone only to turn around and realize you are a fucking idiot and all along they were sleeping with this girl, or thinking about that girl. Seems like no matter how good you are, how funny you try to be, how wonderful you act, there is always someone else isnt there? And that person may not be better than you, or they might, but then you get the spiel about how all guys are the same, and guys are meant to hunt and chase and not meant to commit and blah blah. Thats why Ive always done it to them before they could do it to me.
But with Bill, I dont WANT to. Thats the thing, I dont WANT anyone else, not even just a little. Not even to look at. And that scares me too. Because I have always had the security that if the guy left me I could just go out and be with someone else. But this one is different. If this one leaves me, then I am screwed. Im hurt and screwed and Ill be messed up for far too long.
And hes still young, hitting 24. What makes me think that hes not going to want his freedom? And hes 20 hours away, what makes me think that hes not going to want something there, closer? We wont be in the same city for at least a year ... what makes me think that I am special enough for him to just stay with me, when there are so many other things?
And when did I get so insecure? I thought love was supposed to make you feel wonderful, instead it makes you feel like shit most of the time.
Things have been so much better between us. He is really treating me the way that Ive always wanted to be treated, and I appreciate it. I dont want to lose him. Things going better are helping, but I dont know that Ill ever get rid of that silly insecurity. I thought I had outgrown it, but I suppose I was mistaken.
I just want my head to rest, even for a second. I want to just sleep at night without this fear. The horrible thoughts and feelings all really started last weekend, and hopefully this is just a hang over of those. After all that happened, I find it hard to trust that hell stick around, or that he loves me. Sometimes he says it and I cant figure out why hes saying it - he cant really feel that way. Sometimes I feel like Im just a big fucking joke to him. Other times, I think he may just actually care, and those are great feelings.
Im a mess. Welcome to my life.