err... I'm bored
So, usually don't put super personal stuff in here but I have some sort of feeling that not too many people read this so it's safe to write. Also, I really need to get this stuff off my chest. So anyways, I have been feeling very shitty lately. I've been more depressed than I've been in a long time. I know I really need to go talk to someone but that doesn't help me at all. Me doing all the talking does not help anything. I need someone to instigate problems... I can't just talk... I dunno. So, anyways, I am ready for spring break but part of me isn't. I need something to keep my mind off everything and school pretty much does that for me. Maybe I just need time to clear my head. I have been doing shitty things to people because I feel so horrible about myself. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to be alive. I don't know how to explain it but I wish I could get run over by a car or something because I don't really want to be here anymore. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Ben is the only person who isn't related to me who hasn't let me alienate him... I appreciate it. I am so glad he is amazing because if he wasn't, I would be alone right now. I just wish that I wouldn't fuck things up so often. I just want to have friends... which obviously I don't have right now and haven't had in years. The one friend I had (or have), I'm pretty sure is pretty angry with me and will probably stop talking to me sooner rather than later. It sucks! I'm also stressed as shit about money because I am currently in $800 in debt with my credit card and probably another $600 or so with Ben. I refuse to ask my parents for money because I know I will get a lecture and they won't trust me. I just really am not a fan of my life right now. I went for a walk today trying to clear my head and it just made things worse for me. It made me hate myself even more. I don't know how to love myself... or even like myself. I've started smoking and drinking more because of everything but that just seems to make things way worse for me... rather than better... at least the drinking part just makes everything worse for me... that's when I fuck up the most but the reason I drink in excess is because I am way more outgoing with people and people seem to talk to me when I am drunk. People actually laugh with me... actually it's probably at me but it's still nice to know that I can entertain people. I just don't know what to do with myself. I had to come to Ben's band practice tonight because I thought if I didn't, I would do something to myself... I didn't know what... but I know I have that power. Anyways, life fucking sucks bitches!