the inspirer needs to be inspired
"You say u wanna stay by my side, darling, your heads not right. Alone we stand, together we fall apart, I think I'll be just fine"-the strokes
For someone who usually is the one to motivate others to be better, I certainly suck at motivating myself lately. Eversince my breakup with Chris I've slowly fallen into this serious depression. Thats not to say that Chris himself is the REASON for it, but i'm sure that contributed to my feeling this way. It certainly didnt help me, anyway. But fuck it, here's how I feel....
It's very obvious I'm having self worth issues, which are most definately fueling my depression. There is alot of self loathing here, which I still dont understand. I dont kno exactly where it comes from, but its obviously strong. Lately my feelings of not being good enough in every way are common. I know I must have lowered self worth right now because taking care of myself (usually ALWAYS majorly important for me) has taken a back seat to my feelings of being lost & worthless. Things like exercise, beauty routines, eating right, etc, have seriously declined. For the most part I feel like I have no energy & hardly any desire to take care of myself. It's like I see no point in trying to take care of myself. Which leads me to believe that I dont think I'm worth it. Another reason for alarm...
My anti social behavior. Lately all I wanna do is lay in bed & sleep. Which is very not like myself. I want everyone to leave me alone forever sometimes. I dont want anyone around me because I feel I'll bring them down with me. Even my closest. Sometimes all I wanna do is lay in my bed & watch LOTR/elijah stuff and sleep. I never wanna get up in the morning & face school. I see no point. There are only a few who mildly "get" me there, and the other girls just make me feel like shit for existing. To tell u all the truth...I think for the first time in my life...I really just wanna be alone. All alone. I doubt thats very good for me too.
Helplessness is a familiar feeling to me lately. A cloud of inevitable doom hovers over my head in almost every area of my life. I feel like I'll never get a great boyfriend, never be pretty enough, never be funny enough, etc. I feel like my friendships are doomed and so is my life. I feel like if I let this continue on, I'll seriously destroy everything in my path.
I lash out. I yell and scream at people I love on a regular basis. TEnsion builds up in me steadily and sometimes I think I'm gunna just fuckin burst. Like I could seriously punch someone right in the face.
I looked all my symptoms up & I have a form of bipolar-depression I think. This depression isnt constant but comes and goes. And thats exactly whats going on with me. It is accompanied by periods of extreme highs & extreme lows. This is me lately. I'm either REALLY depressed or REALLY happy. This makes me feel more fucked up than u could imagine. I just want it to stop. I wanna get over this hump and have a revelation already. Look in my room and you can just FEEL how depressed I am. For someone whose usually on top of keeping their room tidy, my room is a MESS. You walk in the doorway & theres a HUGE pile of summer clothes, shoes, etc. My movies are all over the place, my bday presents are still scattered on the floor. My bed is NEVER made and hasnt been pushed back up into its usually futon position in weeks. Everything is just in disarray. And the worst part is...I have no drive to clean it. I suddenly have no problem wallowing in my own dumpster.
At least theres the Strokes. My new found love for Julian is a little ray that keeps me clinging. That brings me joy & something new & exciting to talk/think about.
*Depression*
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
For someone who usually is the one to motivate others to be better, I certainly suck at motivating myself lately. Eversince my breakup with Chris I've slowly fallen into this serious depression. Thats not to say that Chris himself is the REASON for it, but i'm sure that contributed to my feeling this way. It certainly didnt help me, anyway. But fuck it, here's how I feel....
It's very obvious I'm having self worth issues, which are most definately fueling my depression. There is alot of self loathing here, which I still dont understand. I dont kno exactly where it comes from, but its obviously strong. Lately my feelings of not being good enough in every way are common. I know I must have lowered self worth right now because taking care of myself (usually ALWAYS majorly important for me) has taken a back seat to my feelings of being lost & worthless. Things like exercise, beauty routines, eating right, etc, have seriously declined. For the most part I feel like I have no energy & hardly any desire to take care of myself. It's like I see no point in trying to take care of myself. Which leads me to believe that I dont think I'm worth it. Another reason for alarm...
My anti social behavior. Lately all I wanna do is lay in bed & sleep. Which is very not like myself. I want everyone to leave me alone forever sometimes. I dont want anyone around me because I feel I'll bring them down with me. Even my closest. Sometimes all I wanna do is lay in my bed & watch LOTR/elijah stuff and sleep. I never wanna get up in the morning & face school. I see no point. There are only a few who mildly "get" me there, and the other girls just make me feel like shit for existing. To tell u all the truth...I think for the first time in my life...I really just wanna be alone. All alone. I doubt thats very good for me too.
Helplessness is a familiar feeling to me lately. A cloud of inevitable doom hovers over my head in almost every area of my life. I feel like I'll never get a great boyfriend, never be pretty enough, never be funny enough, etc. I feel like my friendships are doomed and so is my life. I feel like if I let this continue on, I'll seriously destroy everything in my path.
I lash out. I yell and scream at people I love on a regular basis. TEnsion builds up in me steadily and sometimes I think I'm gunna just fuckin burst. Like I could seriously punch someone right in the face.
I looked all my symptoms up & I have a form of bipolar-depression I think. This depression isnt constant but comes and goes. And thats exactly whats going on with me. It is accompanied by periods of extreme highs & extreme lows. This is me lately. I'm either REALLY depressed or REALLY happy. This makes me feel more fucked up than u could imagine. I just want it to stop. I wanna get over this hump and have a revelation already. Look in my room and you can just FEEL how depressed I am. For someone whose usually on top of keeping their room tidy, my room is a MESS. You walk in the doorway & theres a HUGE pile of summer clothes, shoes, etc. My movies are all over the place, my bday presents are still scattered on the floor. My bed is NEVER made and hasnt been pushed back up into its usually futon position in weeks. Everything is just in disarray. And the worst part is...I have no drive to clean it. I suddenly have no problem wallowing in my own dumpster.
At least theres the Strokes. My new found love for Julian is a little ray that keeps me clinging. That brings me joy & something new & exciting to talk/think about.
*Depression*
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain