those words touch me much too deeply
Freaking out.
Hard core.
Over pretty much EVERYTHING.
I need to figure my life out. I had what I think was a mild panic attack yesterday. I was freaking out over meeting with my advisor to schedule for classes. I felt like a small child was sitting on my chest and stomping on my stomach and I felt like I was about to burst into panicked hysterical tears. I was freaking out because I knew my advisor was going to ask about graduation/ grad school stuff and I have no idea where I am applying (other than Wayne) and I don’t even know what I want to do. Sometimes I think I do, but when it comes down to it I really don’t know. I am interested in going in 2 very different directions. I haven’t taken GREs or really done much prep work for them.
The meeting went well. I am registered for my final semester as a Purdue & undergrad student (freaking scary!). She made me feel better & not totally screwed or lost. I really like my advisor she has this way of giving you the reality of your situation even if it is less than ideal while simultaneously giving you hope and opening new doors to things that you can actually do. I do need to get my shit together though so I can submit apps and all of that fun stuff. I also signed up to take the GRE on Halloween. I figure you’re supposed to have the shit scared out of you for Halloween so it would be a good day for GRE taking, lol.
Still feel a bit freaked out/panicked about the future, but it’s not consuming me like it was yesterday.
I feel really lost right now. I do not understand a lot of things right now. I need someone to help me make sense of it all. I am just so confused. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. I wish I could see my girls & have a sweat pants, kettle corn & movie night w/them. They make everything seem better and not scary. They make me brave. I have been scared a lot lately. I’m afraid I am messing everything up. I’m afraid of what it means. Most people would be thrilled to have what I have & I find that mostly I am terrified by it. Is it supposed to be this scary?
My head has felt like it is going to explode pretty much all day. So I skipped my last class to sleep it off, because it was hurting so badly that I was nauseous and I was afraid it was going to reach full migraine status. Sleeping it off usually works pretty well. It kind of did, but not really. I woke up feeling a lot better at first, until I started getting stabbing pains in my head at random. They hurt so much that it takes my breath away & makes me want to vomit. Then it is followed by a dull ache that eventually goes away & I’ll be fine for awhile & then it starts all over again. *sigh* As if my head weren’t enough of a mess already. I’m trying to work through it because I have a test tomorrow and another Friday morning so I can’t take the night off. Although I haven’t had a really bad pain in a few hours so that is a good sign. I can deal w/this a lot easier.
And I keep feeling like I want to curl up in a ball & cry. Yet when I sit and hold my head or really think about it I have no tears. I don't know if this whole crying thing is because of the head ache or the anxiety or both. Ugh.
I want some one to hold me & tell me it is all going to be ok (even if it is a total lie).
I hope tomorrow is a better day. I need it to be.