(no subject)
Reasons for writing in an lj have something to do with saying all the things you want to say to someone in the heat of the moment but decide not to...or maybe is about finding something out about yourself or something...and I think a lot of the time I write cuz I'm (a) emotional especially sad or angry or (b) so lost I don't even know what to do and therefore confused and hoping that somehow riting things down will help them make sense and find a place
I'm not sure why that is really but it is definitly the case
I want to remember the events the memories but I never really feel like writing them down...or sometimes I do but the meere thought of what a huge task that would be dissuades me
today I partied with rebecca/amanda/jordan...and it was interesting and fun and I enjoyed it and I have thoughts and junk but that's not what I want to share
even tho it was one of those dyas where in general I felt pretty happy even hto I was also aware of all the junk in the world...even my world
then I came home and dealt with mini drama and bigger drama and raelized just how freakign concerned everyne is in everyone else's life...and hten I got into a fight with my mom (a variation of the usual one...I don't appreciate anything blah blah blah basically how she doesn't expect much just for me to represent the ideal image of a daughter) and then I took a shower cuz I was angry and i was afraid I would cry cuz when I'm tired and frustrated as much as I hate to admit it I tend to cry...and I just didn't want to deal with anything so I left and took a shower and then I was thinking and trying to identify the problem
the problem I was trying to identify(and then solve...or so I was hoping) was the problem of my life..the problem of this bipolar nature that seems to categorize EVERY FREAKING thing I do...and i think a lot of it stems from my concept of "right" and "wrong"...its not black and white or red and oragne or whatever u want to say its not clear its not distinct its not clearly different and that's where a lot of my problems coem from. When we're younger we realize a little more clearly what's "right" and what's "wrong" because the world as we know and experience it is a lot more simple and straightforward...I'm afraid I'm stuck with those conceptions of right and wrong and therefore holding myself back and causing a lot of inner turmoil
for example there are very few things I have remained constant on here tehy are....even tho my opinion on most of them has changed drastically my BEHAVIOR has not:
~swearing
~drinking/drugs/etc.
~officially referring to someone as a best friend (besides when joking)
~working my butt off in school
~generally agreeing with ppl to get them off my back....
haha okay not really the last one I think that's just been my more modern means of dealing with my mother...but like I Don't KNWO what right and wrong are any more in this real world besides what I thought i used to know...
I'm not sure when friend drama comes up or junk if I should be doing or saying anything to anyone and if so what...I'm not sure if my loyalty lies with the person who told me a secret or the person the secret's about...idk a lot of things and I'm not sure what the best way to handle them is...so I'm caught in some weird annoying rollercoaster where I alternate between thinking like i have to be almost unhappy in the process of bettering other ppl's happyiness and that's right/what life if all about...or that I need to look out for me cuz no one else will and TRY to be nice to ppl but like ultimately its my life andm y opportunity to make my own happiness
I'm totally rambling and I def had more to say
and probably tomorrow I'll come and make this private and be like bah what a jerk I am..but for now these r my thoughts and no one's online to talk so i guess I'll put them here....
SRY I'M WEIRD EVERYONE!
I'm not sure why that is really but it is definitly the case
I want to remember the events the memories but I never really feel like writing them down...or sometimes I do but the meere thought of what a huge task that would be dissuades me
today I partied with rebecca/amanda/jordan...and it was interesting and fun and I enjoyed it and I have thoughts and junk but that's not what I want to share
even tho it was one of those dyas where in general I felt pretty happy even hto I was also aware of all the junk in the world...even my world
then I came home and dealt with mini drama and bigger drama and raelized just how freakign concerned everyne is in everyone else's life...and hten I got into a fight with my mom (a variation of the usual one...I don't appreciate anything blah blah blah basically how she doesn't expect much just for me to represent the ideal image of a daughter) and then I took a shower cuz I was angry and i was afraid I would cry cuz when I'm tired and frustrated as much as I hate to admit it I tend to cry...and I just didn't want to deal with anything so I left and took a shower and then I was thinking and trying to identify the problem
the problem I was trying to identify(and then solve...or so I was hoping) was the problem of my life..the problem of this bipolar nature that seems to categorize EVERY FREAKING thing I do...and i think a lot of it stems from my concept of "right" and "wrong"...its not black and white or red and oragne or whatever u want to say its not clear its not distinct its not clearly different and that's where a lot of my problems coem from. When we're younger we realize a little more clearly what's "right" and what's "wrong" because the world as we know and experience it is a lot more simple and straightforward...I'm afraid I'm stuck with those conceptions of right and wrong and therefore holding myself back and causing a lot of inner turmoil
for example there are very few things I have remained constant on here tehy are....even tho my opinion on most of them has changed drastically my BEHAVIOR has not:
~swearing
~drinking/drugs/etc.
~officially referring to someone as a best friend (besides when joking)
~working my butt off in school
~generally agreeing with ppl to get them off my back....
haha okay not really the last one I think that's just been my more modern means of dealing with my mother...but like I Don't KNWO what right and wrong are any more in this real world besides what I thought i used to know...
I'm not sure when friend drama comes up or junk if I should be doing or saying anything to anyone and if so what...I'm not sure if my loyalty lies with the person who told me a secret or the person the secret's about...idk a lot of things and I'm not sure what the best way to handle them is...so I'm caught in some weird annoying rollercoaster where I alternate between thinking like i have to be almost unhappy in the process of bettering other ppl's happyiness and that's right/what life if all about...or that I need to look out for me cuz no one else will and TRY to be nice to ppl but like ultimately its my life andm y opportunity to make my own happiness
I'm totally rambling and I def had more to say
and probably tomorrow I'll come and make this private and be like bah what a jerk I am..but for now these r my thoughts and no one's online to talk so i guess I'll put them here....
SRY I'M WEIRD EVERYONE!