When everything's meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am
Sometimes I feel more like I'm an object than a person. I'm more of a catalyst than anything else. I'm here so that others can feel better, so that others can make good friends, so that others have an easier time of it. Yes I know I like time to myself. Yes I know that I don't let very many people in, that they get let in in stages, and that I'm rather hard to understand on all my different levels and can therefore be difficult. It would be nice though if for one day that small voice at the back of my head that keeps telling me I'm being used in some way or another would go away. I'm sure if I decided to I could just make it all go away, every last bit of it would just disappear, but then I'd have only a select few left in my life and those are people that, though I know they'll always be there, don't have the most time in the world to dedicate to me. Maybe I'm just too needy or the things I need from people are things that aren't easily given up, I ask for too complicated a relationship right from the start. Countless times I've gotten close to someone or at least I thought we were close and then I introduce them to someone else and I'm left in the dust of two new best friends who'll think to include me every now and then but not all the time. I know you don't believe it of me but I am actually a shy person, don't give me that look like I don't know what I'm talking about trust me I know myself! I am shy and to a certain degree I do need to be invited to things, even just tell me that something is happening ahead of time so that I have the option of showing up. Instead I stand by and watch as most of life passes me by, all the memories I would cherish I never get to experience. I open other people up so they can be more forward and end up having a tonne of fun while I'm still there floundering for a foundation wanting someone to give me an arm. Maybe that's where my mistake is. I assume people are looking and seeing through my facade when really I should just assume that everyone else is worried about themselves just like I am. I find it amusing that I have countless friends yet there are only a few who I feel would be there for me no matter what happened down the line. It's kind of sad in a way I guess, especially considering how little I talk to those people. Maybe I should just change who I am.