warning....very personal
so ditto on feeling so shitty about urslef jillian...i feel the same way. i think i have something liek seriuosly wrong with me sometimes. i might sit here and look so confident but im really not. i feel like so much shit about myself...i always procrastinate about school...thats why im failing a class, i never try and get things done early. im trying to look for a new job but that isnt happening and just that aspect of my life is shitting me. ugh. and then my weight. i think i have like eating disorder or something...no anoxeria or bulimia...but just like food obsession..im always thinking about what i need to eat to be healthy and then i sit here and eat bc im bored or just bc i feel sad about being overweight so im like fuck it whats the point in trying and its like i dont even want or need the food its just out of habit that im trying to fucking break. and i know im not like 50,000 pounds overweight and some people say im fine the way i am but to me im not. i look in the mirror and 9 out of 10 times i hate what i see and everytime i go to the mall..like today...i look for clothes and can never find anything i want. its like i think clothes will magically make me feel skinner or look better and i dont know if i have to buy a certain size i just say nevamind i wont buy it ill just sit here and wear the same thing all the time. ugh ugh ugh. like there are women like 10 times bigger than me and they always look put together and nice and me i just look like ugh. and i did nutrisystem and i lost 8 punds but why didnt i stay on it? and now im trying slim fast but i cant even stay on it truly...wht is wrong with me? like ill do so well for like 3 days and then bam im all like forget this shit...its not like i even want or need the food i put in my mouth..it does nothing for me...what is 2 min of pleasure if its going to make u feel like shit for too much time???? i know i have an emotional eating thing...like i eat bc im sad, happy, stressed, whatever..and just bc i feel the need to do it. but i dont understand why and im trying to figure that out. like it doesnt make me feel any better....it just makes me feel ten times worse and like i will never be able to do anythign right. and im sick of watching people on tv and im sick of reading all this stuff in magazines and online and seeing how much weight my dad lost and brooke lost and and just wishing i could be like that. bc i know I CAN!!! i like to exercise actually i like to feel the pain of ur muscles working but for some reason i have this voice in my head that says ur neva be able to do it so give up give up give up....i have never had much discipline or patience or whatever...as u can see even with school...i just give up..i could have prob passed the class but i am giving up.....cant learn all that in 2 weeks although i know i prob could...ugh....i just wish i just want to wake up one day and say im goign to do it bc i know ur weight shouldnt make the differnce in ur life but im sorry it does. especially being a woman. im not happy being the size i am and i know i know i would be 10 times happier if i could just get over this issue with food and not having willpower and just do it. i say i have no hobbies...so i shoudl make working out one. i mean im starting with raul..walking 3 days a week for a half hour and then every week we are going to up it till we get to 5 days a week for a hr each time. and then im going to start doing crunches and stuff like that. i guess u have to take it one day at a time and make mini goals and stick with it? i just wanna get it over with!!! and feel so much better. im not even thinking about getting in like a size7 i would be so happy to be a size 9...a real size 9 whatever weight that would be thats the size i wanna be. and i know i know i can do it or at least i think i can right? maybe in 3 months 4 months whatever it takes...it takes time...but if i stick with it i think i can do it. i hope i can. please god...just help me feel better about myself and give me the motivation to do it.