The Happiness Trap
I remember a book based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, called the Happiness Trap. It’s all about how we’re obsessed with making sure we’re always happy. You know, because in America if you’re not happy then something must seriously be wrong.
I get this question all the time “Are you happy?” or statements like “as long as you’re happy…” and I get what they mean. It’s some form of question to assess if I am okay with how things are, still feeling good about my life, and not crying myself to sleep every night because my husband is transgender.
But what a loaded question!! Are you happy? Sometimes I want to yell I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! are YOU happy? I mean really, are YOU happy? Take a look at your life right now and assess that. At this very moment, are you happy, then ask yourself the question again in 4 hours, are you still happy? What percentage of your day are you happy? Can you have two conflicted feelings at once, can there be space in you for more than one feeling at a time? Of course.
Am I happy that my husband is transgendered and wants to dress as a woman? I mean… no? Is he happy about it? Probably not. I mean, it’s hard people. It’s really hard, for all involved. Am I happy that things are always going to be a little bit complicated…. no. Am I happy that I feel the need to explain myself to people all the time… no. Am I happy that our families are struggling and some of our family is refusing to have anything to with us…. no. Am I happy that wemight will face discrimination… no. I am not happy about any of these things. Who could be?
Am I scared sometimes? Yes. Am I fed up sometimes and just wish the trans stuff would all go away? Yes. Am I frustrated with the world and everyone who doesn’t “get it”, yes. Do I worry about the future and our kids and all that life will be like with this trans issue? Yes. Do I sometimes cry and pray to God when I am feeling overwhelmed by things and wonder if I can be strong enough to make it through whatever we will endure? Yes. Do I sometimes get caught up in envious thoughts that I can’t just have a “normal” husband like other people do? Yes. Do I hate the anxiety I feel every time I go hang out with my family and I can tell they are trying to read me for how “happy” I am… yeah. There are a lot of moments in my life that don’t fall under the feeling category as happy.
but AND
I have good moments. Do I love snuggling on the couch watching fun Sy-fy shows with him? Do I cry from laughing so hard because of how silly we can be together? Do I think it’s wonderful when we simultaneously awwwwwwwwwwww at how cute the cats look on the bed. Do I smile and think to myself how lucky I am as my spouse sits with me and helps me paint a craft project I am working on? Do I feel relieved when he helps me fix my costume by telling me to add a belt to what I am wearing when I am panicked and freaked out that “THE COSTUME ISN’T WORKING, I JUST LOOK LIKE A WHALE” and his style suggestions make it all better? Do I feel warmth when in the morning and my alarm clock goes off and he climbs into bed and wraps his arms around me and holds me while I sleep just for one more snooze button? Do I giggle when I’ve had a glass of wine and he looks at me with that smile and says “wife, are you wasted?” Do I feel hopeful when we talk about having children in the future and imagine what kind of fun we are going to have with them? Do I love the quiet peace in our house, because we get along beautifully with no yelling, anger, or fights? Do I feel glad that I didn’t give all this up because of the “not so happy” feelings that I have sometimes too?
Yes.
You see, if it were all about being happy all the time, we’d never be committed to anything. We wouldn’t be reliable, and we would rarely accomplish something meaningful. Because feelings CHANGE. That’s the thing about those funny feelings, they are like the weather. You wait around long enough you’re going to get something different. And if we based everything on feelings then it would be chaos. Commitment is what I have. I’m committed to something that I feel is worthwhile. If I didn’t believe that this marriage or this person were worthwhile, I wouldn’t be committed to it. Committed action brings about happy positive feelings. This I know.
Am I happy? I suppose the real answer is sure, sometimes, who isn’t?
And one thing that brings about feelings of happiness is the following phrase WRITTEN BY DR. SEUSS "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind won't matter and those who matter won't mind."