Bout time I posted
Wow, I can't believe that I haven't posted for 2 months. So many things have happened in 60 days. I don't even know where to start or what to say exactly. It’s amazing, reading back from my last post, how happy I was. It’s weird to think of that great time when everything was all well. It was such a happy time, to think what was waiting for me and my family around the corner in the upcoming New Year.
2005 hasn't started of very good. It's started off pretty badly, actually. It's been 3 weeks since we first found out and it's been over a month since it’s actually happened.
It’s like everything is going wrong. There is too much to deal with, it’s not fair. I have no idea how to react or to go through life like this. Am I suppose to still be crying? Am I suppose to live my life like everyone tells me he would have wanted me to? Is it normal to want to cry and have no tears come out? Then to believe you are heartless because you can't? To have things remind you of him wherever you go? To want to talk but have your family around you be closed off? To want to talk but don't know how or where to start? Hmm, funny huh? Me-not being able to talk... To want to scream at the unfairness of it all and hurt someone for what it's doing to those that I love? To want to say something and talk to my friends and even though they've been through it before, can't tell them nothing because no matter how hard I try they can't feel the my great loss. I don't know who to talk to, so, I’m confessing all my sins to you, LJ. Maybe writing will ease the pain in my heart.
Am I heartless? I didn't know him that well, which is stupid. He's my brother. No, was. I need to get used to saying that, I guess. I should have taken the time to know him. But I swear I was trying, with every phone call, I was. But it wasn't enough. I don't know him as well as I'd like to. So many have stories of him and I try, I try but I only have a few to my name. I wished I had more. I keep trying to search my brain for more memories but I think I stress it out so much that I merge other memories with his hoping that it will supply my need to fill the void. I'm trying to remember his jokes, he had so many, but I can only think of 3. It pains me to thing that his friends in Cali know more about him then his family did.
I keep his shirt in a zip lock bag so that his scent won't go away... Stupid right? I have some of his things, like his Cali license in my wallet.
Sometimes I don't think I cried enough for him. I prayed for him like we're suppose to but does he hear it? Did he even want us to pray for him when he died? Does he want all this religious theme with his death?
He shouldn’t have been alone. That was so unfair of God to do that. Someone, anyone should have been with him. I wish I wasn't so messed up or else Mom could have been there with him, making sure he was ok. But instead she was with me, which was a selfish thing for me to have her do.
All his friends talk about what a wonderful guy he was, and I have a great affection for his friends to see so many great qualities in him. He was so fun, lively, outgoing, hilariously funny, supportive, friendly, and grateful. He never complained about his illness. I wish I was more like him in those ways. He entered into a person's life and he stayed there forever in their heart.
I feel like I can't talk to neone about this. I don't want to talk about it to my family, esp. my mom because I don't want to remind her more than she's already reminding herself. So here I am, acting very happy and very jolly so that mom doesn't have to worry about me on top of everything else. Maybe I should talk to a counselor or something but I can work it out right? I don't think I really need one.
I know that if it weren't for my cousins and friends trying to get my mind off it, I wouldn't be as sane. But am I getting my mind off it too much? Sometimes I think I’m not thinking about him enough. I'm so scared that one day, I won't think about him and then it will be more and more days that he won't be in my mind. I'm so scared I'll forget his face, his laugh... It’s still there now but in a couple of months will it still be?
You know, I turned 20 a week ago. I didn't know how to go about it... Should I celebrate, should I be mourning still?? I am just so clueless at this process that it’s so frustrating. Everything is so frustrating. Well, I didn't celebrate really. I just had a Smirnoff and watched Pride and Prejudice with Sarah and Lisa. I did have dinner with mom, Sarah, and my "grandparents" the McKinney’s. I think I’m a great actor. No one was the wiser. I feel horrible. Why should I get to celebrate my birthday and not him? It seems to me that he is more deserving.
Alright, enough pitying. I better go and do some make-up work that I missed while I was out of school that week. I hope you are well, LJ, and faring better then me.
2005 hasn't started of very good. It's started off pretty badly, actually. It's been 3 weeks since we first found out and it's been over a month since it’s actually happened.
It’s like everything is going wrong. There is too much to deal with, it’s not fair. I have no idea how to react or to go through life like this. Am I suppose to still be crying? Am I suppose to live my life like everyone tells me he would have wanted me to? Is it normal to want to cry and have no tears come out? Then to believe you are heartless because you can't? To have things remind you of him wherever you go? To want to talk but have your family around you be closed off? To want to talk but don't know how or where to start? Hmm, funny huh? Me-not being able to talk... To want to scream at the unfairness of it all and hurt someone for what it's doing to those that I love? To want to say something and talk to my friends and even though they've been through it before, can't tell them nothing because no matter how hard I try they can't feel the my great loss. I don't know who to talk to, so, I’m confessing all my sins to you, LJ. Maybe writing will ease the pain in my heart.
Am I heartless? I didn't know him that well, which is stupid. He's my brother. No, was. I need to get used to saying that, I guess. I should have taken the time to know him. But I swear I was trying, with every phone call, I was. But it wasn't enough. I don't know him as well as I'd like to. So many have stories of him and I try, I try but I only have a few to my name. I wished I had more. I keep trying to search my brain for more memories but I think I stress it out so much that I merge other memories with his hoping that it will supply my need to fill the void. I'm trying to remember his jokes, he had so many, but I can only think of 3. It pains me to thing that his friends in Cali know more about him then his family did.
I keep his shirt in a zip lock bag so that his scent won't go away... Stupid right? I have some of his things, like his Cali license in my wallet.
Sometimes I don't think I cried enough for him. I prayed for him like we're suppose to but does he hear it? Did he even want us to pray for him when he died? Does he want all this religious theme with his death?
He shouldn’t have been alone. That was so unfair of God to do that. Someone, anyone should have been with him. I wish I wasn't so messed up or else Mom could have been there with him, making sure he was ok. But instead she was with me, which was a selfish thing for me to have her do.
All his friends talk about what a wonderful guy he was, and I have a great affection for his friends to see so many great qualities in him. He was so fun, lively, outgoing, hilariously funny, supportive, friendly, and grateful. He never complained about his illness. I wish I was more like him in those ways. He entered into a person's life and he stayed there forever in their heart.
I feel like I can't talk to neone about this. I don't want to talk about it to my family, esp. my mom because I don't want to remind her more than she's already reminding herself. So here I am, acting very happy and very jolly so that mom doesn't have to worry about me on top of everything else. Maybe I should talk to a counselor or something but I can work it out right? I don't think I really need one.
I know that if it weren't for my cousins and friends trying to get my mind off it, I wouldn't be as sane. But am I getting my mind off it too much? Sometimes I think I’m not thinking about him enough. I'm so scared that one day, I won't think about him and then it will be more and more days that he won't be in my mind. I'm so scared I'll forget his face, his laugh... It’s still there now but in a couple of months will it still be?
You know, I turned 20 a week ago. I didn't know how to go about it... Should I celebrate, should I be mourning still?? I am just so clueless at this process that it’s so frustrating. Everything is so frustrating. Well, I didn't celebrate really. I just had a Smirnoff and watched Pride and Prejudice with Sarah and Lisa. I did have dinner with mom, Sarah, and my "grandparents" the McKinney’s. I think I’m a great actor. No one was the wiser. I feel horrible. Why should I get to celebrate my birthday and not him? It seems to me that he is more deserving.
Alright, enough pitying. I better go and do some make-up work that I missed while I was out of school that week. I hope you are well, LJ, and faring better then me.