It's been a long time... Pt. 2
Continuing on from my last post and filling in on what has happened these two months, I have gone through two losses in the past like two weeks.
The family dog, Chuchi, had to be put to sleep at almost 14 years old. Actually, he passed a few days before his birthday. My mom got him as a puppy for my 18th birthday, since one of my dreams was to have a Yorkie. However, he ended up sticking with my mom when I moved out. He had such a connection to my mom and was used to being by her side, so the times I tried to take him with me were pointless. I knew they belonged together. He got old and started to have a lot of health issues. One night a couple of weeks ago, my mom texted me in the middle of the night saying something wasn't right with him and he was having difficulty breathing. Andy took them to the animal hospital (I was supposed to have a civil service exam that morning). At first, they were going to hospitalize and watch him. They left and 20 minutes later the vet called and said he was turning purple and wasn't breathing so they put him on oxygen. My mom went back and they said hospitalizing him wasn't worth it and he should be put to sleep, because even if they found out what was causing it, there would still be the same outcome. Idk if I fully believe that. In the human medical world, someone could have problems breathing and be saved if they know how to fix it. I get that in the vet world it's a little different. It's more expensive to find out what is causing something and often times even when they find out, nothing can be done. It's horrible. My mom had me and my sister on facetime to say goodbye. When my mom came back, Chuchi was so happy to see her. He has wagging his tail and jumping around...he looked like normal. But apparently he pooped on himself and his tongue was still purple so maybe it was a good moment cause he was happy to see her, but still had problems. A few minutes later, he was put in a room with her to say good bye and then the nurse came to put him to sleep while my mom held him. My sister and I watched on facetime. I personally did not want to see it happen, but Chuchi was my mom's grandson and attached at the hip to him. So I was there for Chuchi and also for support for my mom, knowing she was doing one of the hardest things she had to do. It still sticks in my mind. He jumped from the first needle and was instantly knocked out. Then she gave him the next needle and he was dead. He went from being alert and looking happy, to unconscious, to dead; all within 30 seconds at most. It all happened so fast, which maybe it is so you get the pain over for the family as quick as possible, but for me, I found it more painful seeing such a change in a matter of seconds. Idk. In the movies they make it seem like it goes a lot slower. To see him like smiling one second and then react to the first needle and then be gone a few seconds later was kind of traumatic for me. It is something that kind of replays in my head, when I don't want it to. It definitely is so hard to deal with after having him since he was a puppy. They become like your children. Right now, he has been frozen for weeks. The place that cremates them is backed up. Also, they offer a complimentary wake before they go into cremation. So they have a small room, almost similar to one they might use for humans to say goodbye. My mom wants to take them up on it, because she wants another chance to say goodbye to him. I agreed to come. His cremation isn't slated for a little over two weeks for now. So, in the meantime, he's just gonna be sitting in a freezer for almost a month. Idk. But something about that definitely disturbs me. I guess I feel like he truly isn't at peace if he is lying in a freezer like a popsicle. It's disturbing to me.
The other day, I lost my grandpa as well. He's struggled with an aggressive form of Alzheimer's for years (maybe like 14 years) (he went from forgetting basic things to being completely non-verbal very quickly). He might have been only in his late 50's when it first happened to. A little older than what my parents are now. Before all this happened, he was a ray of light. I love my grandpa more than words can express. He was a one of a kind individual. He always hyped us up and had such pride in us. The feeling was mutual, as I am so proud to call him my grandpa. He was a musician in a Bronx based Salsa band, who went around the world with his band playing music. The band was like a side job and he was a bank manager by day. He is the one who taught me to organize money and how to count it out to people. It's because of him I went into banking. I wanted to be like him. I wanted him to be proud of me, which he already was. He always taught me to be proud of my Puerto Rican half. Being half "white" and half Puerto Rican was always interesting growing up, because there are people who gatekeep culture. Since we don't completely look Puerto Rican (I say completely, because we all have a lot of features like our mom, but also my dad's Irish skin lol), a lot of those types would say "you are white passing, so you don't count". Honestly, I hate those types regardless. Latinos come in EVERY color. I've seen people with light skin, green eyes, and red hair. My grandma is from Puerto Rico, she has a light complexion and could also pass for Filipino. My grandpa was also from Puerto Rico and was afr0-latino. So Puerto Ricans and Latinos in general come in every color, eye color, and hair color (yes, I am aware that this is due to PR being a port where Europeans would go through with slaves and this is why everyone looks so different, but at the end of the day, those people who are mixed are still very much Puerto Rican and they are a proud people) I find people who say otherwise to be extremely ignorant. Point being, my grandpa said forget what those kind of people say. PUERTO RICO IS IN YOUR BLOOD AND YOU BE PROUD OF THAT PART OF YOU. I think it's important, especially today when a total stranger can criticize you for holding a Puerto Rican flag based on your looks and not even knowing what you are. "YOU ARE WHITE YOU SHOULDN'T BE HOLDING THAT" Well, my afro-latino grandpa who was actually born there would beg to differ. So no matter where I go, I will carry my grandpa in my heart and my pride to be half Puerto Rican. His funeral service is on Sunday. I am supposed to make a playlist of his band's music and help my sister with her speech. I think I will cry a lot on Sunday, for sure. He has already been so sorely missed, but I will really miss him now that I can't even see him. I know now he is not suffering, though.
Andy had his first day at his new job at the suit shop yesterday. The first thing he calls and tells me is he works with this girl named Jessica. Jessica worked for a different men's suit place previously that did banking at the bank that Andy and I worked at. In the early days of our relationship, she would come in to the bank flirting with him. He's also friendly, however, I perceived some of it to be flirting back. Of course, I had to sit there and watch it, because we didn't want our job to know we were dating at the time. Again, I know what being friendly is, but I also know what flirting is. So to my dismay, he is now working with her. What's even worse is this place has only 4 employees and he is full time so he's going to be working closely with her. If I didn't have trust issues before, I certainly do now. I mean, yeah, he told me. Probably so I wouldn't be caught off guard if I visited him at work. But I am extremely uncomfortable with it. On his end, he didn't ask to work with her, it's a crazy coincidence and he quit his job in part to make me happy. So me complaining feels like I am blaming him and not happy when he did so much to try and make me happy. Yes, I get this. However, I am allowed to be uncomfortable by this. If they had flirtatious tension when she was a customer, what will it be as a coworker? This whole thing is giving me extreme anxiety. I know he is looking for another job, because this suit thing was just taking what he can get in the meantime. But every minute he is there now is going to give me anxiety, not knowing what the fuck is going on or being said. In a perfect world, I would just trust that he is being straight forward. But even if she were just the one flirting, I'd still be uncomfortable. People can have the best intentions and if they are alone in a space together for a while, things can still happen. My mind starts panicking thinking what if it gets to a point that they close alone one night and fool around in the suit shop, or even if he fantasized about it... Like yeah, my mind is fucked, but it's a possibility. You know how many male coworkers over the years at the bank tried to get me to fool around with them in the vault, because of office banter? I never did, but they all fucking had girlfriends and wives too. It gives me serious paranoia. I really think that even though he is trying to do the right thing for us, it's just a situation that could be bad or one that makes me feel constantly uncomfortable. Call it a coincidence or whatever, but I truly wonder if this is one of those things that was supposed to happen for whatever reason. Like, is life testing me or something? How much I can take? Of all the places he applied, he got hired at this place she works. It's almost like a punishment for wanting him to leave the jail. It's only the second day, but I am already thinking about how I will cope with this. My feelings of discomfort and anxiety can't be projected on to him, so what do I do with it? I can't even afford a therapist, for someone to talk to that has no connection to me. It sucks and honestly I don't want him to have left the jail only for me to be unhappy about this. Cause then it feels like back at square one.
Not to mention, we leave for DR in a week and a half for his brother's wedding. I have to be nervous about how he's slept with the maid of honor (or a bridesmaid idk) (at his other brother's wedding) before we we were dating. And how now he's in the wedding party with her. And his family will bring it up in front of me mostly likely to get a reaction. Maybe they will even make them walk together. Idk. Plus only his parents have seen me post nose job so that will be awkward. Especially if his nieces and nephews point it out. I'm going to try to be calm and take it day by day. Even though we argued in Mexico, he never left me alone like he did the previous trip. He stayed with me the entire time and didn't wander off. I hope some of that same energy will be carried into this. I have to expect he will drink with his brothers and cousins and leave me alone at times. I think I am nervous in general. I never had to go on vacation with anyone's family before and I am nervous about inclusion or what to do when he's with his brothers or doing wedding party stuff. I just hope it goes well, you know? I don't want to feel bad or argue or anything while we are there and that's better said than done sometimes.
I just want things to go well and I have so much on my mind now.... -_-