(no subject)
I promised not to get annoyed before the trip.
I am kind of struggling with that.
Again, today, he did not call me when he arrived at work. Citing being late, again. To which, I am pretty sure he left early enough. But the school buses were apparently brutal. How hard is it to call when approaching his work? Or even to briefly text saying "Hey, I am running late, but I am here" Probably takes 10 seconds to send a text like that. But no, he can't do that. When he finally does text me, it's with another motive. He asks me to call the shuttle company in Mexico, because they left him a message and wanted to confirm our flight details. I don't even have our flight info. I was reluctant to call without any information, but I did it and just gave the guy my best guesses. I reported back to him saying I called the guy and the company will send him an email. Then comes his 7:30 break. The one he usually calls on. He sends me a message saying he would not be calling me, because he had to use the restroom and wasn't planning to go outside to call me for that reason. Whatever. Now, I am annoyed about two no calls at this point. I did what he asked, even without the information needed, and no acknowledgement either. No "thank you" or anything. Then he mentions that an inmate was taken to the hospital (which means a hole in the next shift, where someone would need to be mandated). Like he just got mandated the night before last, and you really expect me to believe that he moved up the mandate list that quickly, in the course of a day? Yeah, it's possible. But very, very unlikely, especially on a Monday. He hasn't been mandated yet, but he said it was a possibility. To which, I said, we have a lot to do before Mexico. We don't have time for this shit. He then brushed off my comment and then said he could probably text me at some point from his watch because he is in the medical unit today. I'm already on high alert regarding the medical unit. He gets placed there rather frequently, has received food or beverage from some nurse and bragged to his coworkers about it, and some nurse (unclear if she is the same nurse or a different one) had asked him out to dinner (apparently knowing he has a girlfriend) soo there's no respect there to begin with from her and something was obviously giving her a vibe that it was okay to ask. So, now he is in this unit and hasn't called me and all of a sudden might get mandated? It gives me bad vibes, to be honest. Honestly, his whole work situation is giving me bad vibes lately. All of a sudden, mandates 1-2 guaranteed every weekend. All of a sudden, he can't talk to me. He is now approved for escort detail (like to court and hospitals when inmates need to go). Last week, he told me some inmate was taken to a hospital 3+ hours away and that they are randomly selecting people (who could turn the post down if they wanted) to do 3 days, 2 nights, 12 hour shifts to go to this hospital and watch him, as long as he's alive and needs to be there. It seemed like an odd "heads up", like he was almost banking on going there and accepting the post. 1) Why would they send the patient upstate, over 3 hours away, when we live only an hour and a half from NYC and there's plenty of good medical centers closer going towards the city? 2) why did he tell me like he was planning on being chosen and accepting (knowing full well how much I'd hate that). 3) I definitely don't like the idea of him possibly being sent away 3 hours away and put up in a hotel for 2-3 days. This is not an aspect of his job that I signed up for. Now all of a sudden he can be taken for blocks of time? It all feels weird and somewhat sketchy to me. Of course, he did get approved for outside posts, but now they are like trips?
I get restless thinking about how he hasn't talked to me much today and how he is in that unit probably bullshitting with these nurses.
I can't explain it, but something has just felt so off to me lately. They say trust your gut feeling, but I am trying to trust my partner, because my anxiety can be irrational sometimes. Idk how to deal with this. I try to speak my mind, but it just still doesn't make me feel better.
I had this dream last night that I accessed his computer and some girl had messaged him "I'm still in love with you". When I asked about it, he said it was personal and was regarding a long time ago. But then, after some digging, I had found out there was something from a few months ago. I don't know why I had this dream, but it has made me feel overall "on edge" the whole day and vulnerable...
I think it's hard to move past these new found trust issues, when I still don't think I get the 100% truth.
Idk. But I think things need to change with me when I come back. I feel so small, powerless, my feelings at the mercy of whatever gets thrown at me. I feel weak. I feel easily wounded. I can't be like this.
Anyway, that's all for now, unless he does get mandated *eyeroll*