My chapter doesn't flow?

[princessfics]

Soooo.....

I've gotten a couple of reviews now that have said something along the lines of...it's not your best, or, it doesn't flow as well....for the latest chapter of Protection (20).  I'm not looking for an ego boost of, oh no, they're wrong and you're wonderful ;-)...I'm just genuinely curious about what is different with this chapter - if

Comments

[birlan]

Hmm. I've looked at it and think there are a couple responses I would make--and I don't agree with the criticism---and please don't feel any need to disclose future story directions after reading this.

1. Tonks was laying the groundwork in this chapter for maybe showing consequences later. I thought you did everything you wanted here. More wasn't needed. I may be wrong but I presume you were going to maybe develop that issue in a future chapter--Harry dealing with consequences of his actions when "under the influence" as part of exploring the reconciliation of HG with others. And Tonks seemed like a better character than one of the W brothers because there is so much other baggage with them. I liked that you didn't belabor that point yet. And you may not go there. I don't know. But if you do, you've laid it out and didn't need to do more.

2. I think the chapter has some changes of direction--in a good way--so that when reading you think its going one way. And then it isn't. It really seems at one point that they are going to be separated for an extended period of time. You could have extended that period of separation--but if you had asked me, I would have agreed with keeping that short and to the point. You've already told that story and now I think you are moving to the point where you are going to tell the story of everyone dealing with the aftermath. Does Harry go to Azkabahn. How is Ron. How does Ginny deal with her family. How does Harry deal with Remus/Tonks as his family. Can Harry and Ginny someday be welcome and feel comfortable at the Burrow(I don't know if they can by the way but I'm guessing we are going to find out) Who gets Draco's manga collection. Etc. I think your decision to move the story to that point rather than to elongate the period of devastating separation over several chapters is what leads to that comment about "flow".

3. The only reason I could see to prolong the period of separation would have been to see if the change in Harry was visible to others even memory wiped. I think it would have been and that could have been another story than the one that you are telling here. Some well-intended character realizing that Harry had changed, linking it to his time with Ginny and then their reuniting through the actions of that character--Hermione(?). But I don't see that as working and its not the story you are telling--your story is their love pulling them together against obstacles(including her family and fate). Elongating the separation so that they have to be rescued by some other character is not the story you are telling--and its unimaginable that they would have ever had any contact once separated which means that it would have had to have been the actions of someone else "solving" their separation.

4. A chapter break might have helped during the loss of memory. Creating a nice cliffhanger, etc. I might have suggested that if I had read it in draft. I don't think it was really needed but that could have prolonged the jeopardy without changing the story dynamics as I discuss above.

4. I re-read the story before writing this--I love the detail about Hedwig not liking Harry's girlfriends and recognizing Ginny. That's done subtly but is a really effective clue to what is going on that I completely missed when I read it for the first time.

Thanks for your hard work over a very long period of time on a story that really does hang together nicely--and also works very nicely when read episodically.
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