Pondering...am I insane?
Ok, my lack of depth lately just went out the window. I sat down tonight at the piano to just kind of harness some frustration...bc I dont have a piano very often anymore! Gotta use it while its there. And, I just started playing and singing and wow, didnt know I had all this in me lol. I love music. Its such a powerful thing...and its how I heal myself in a wierd way...so i tried to write down waht I was kinda feeling later on...and it ended up being what follows..which turned more into a poem thing than a song...but I thought id share it...for what it is, sucky or not ;)
Further From Grace
My hands are cupped
Held shaking out to you
A glimpse in my direction
Just see me I plead
I’m a pauper of attention
Starved of love and affection
I cant say how I got here
I seem to be out on a limb here
I’m all alone here
No where or no one to call home
And I need a guide here
Someone to lead me somewhere
I know all the answers
I know all the truths
I know who to turn to
But in reality I wonder
Is it really true
How to get back there
How to see you
Through the curtains of my own tears
Or the walls of fear I’ve built ‘round myself
Further from grace
Pushed aside and broken
Torn and used
God how did I get here?
How did I get so far away?
So far away from you?
Too many questions
With so few answers
But I know all the truths
I know the answers to the questions I seek
And even if I didn’t
Haven’t you proved yourself faithful enough
Time over time
Learned lesson and truth
You are as constant as the stars
And the sunrise each day
Yet I push you away
Your grace is an ocean away
And the world
My hands were held out to you
You’ve pushed them away
You’ve spit in my face
You denied me your touch
And handed me lies for honesty
My transparency
Real was all I ever put up
Its gotten me nowhere
My struggles have brought more questions than answers
More problems than solutions
Why do I feel like I wrestle with You oh God?
Why must I be Jacob?
I wont give in to you
I want the truth
And I wont be satisfied until I get it
What do you want from me?
What do you require?
Who am I anymore?
Who do you say that I am?
Who should I be?
Will I ever be satisfied?
Will you ever forgive me for the transgressions that stain my broken heart
And the lies that cover my head
I’ve profaned your temple
I’ve taken your children farther from you
Yet you still pursue me
And you hold me
Even when I fight
Even when I question
Even when I sale myself out
To Satan’s lies
To darkness’s plans
I don’t understand
But I want to
I yearn to
I need something real
I need you to lead me somewhere
The aloneness is to dark to bear now
To heavy a load to call my home now
Take my hands
Shriving and cold
So alien to loves warmth or touch
And lead me back to where I need to be
Even if I fight you
Even if I try to push you away
Fight for me
Don’t give up on me
Unblind me
Unbind me
Even if I go down kicking
Even if I yell out others names
Love me
Love me
Love me
I want to be a daughter again
I want to be beautiful again
I want to be held again
Is this all to ridiculous?
Are my questions to bold?
Are my struggles to real?
Wrestle with me God if you have to
Just don’t let me go
Don’t let me go too far
Even Further from grace
Further From Grace
My hands are cupped
Held shaking out to you
A glimpse in my direction
Just see me I plead
I’m a pauper of attention
Starved of love and affection
I cant say how I got here
I seem to be out on a limb here
I’m all alone here
No where or no one to call home
And I need a guide here
Someone to lead me somewhere
I know all the answers
I know all the truths
I know who to turn to
But in reality I wonder
Is it really true
How to get back there
How to see you
Through the curtains of my own tears
Or the walls of fear I’ve built ‘round myself
Further from grace
Pushed aside and broken
Torn and used
God how did I get here?
How did I get so far away?
So far away from you?
Too many questions
With so few answers
But I know all the truths
I know the answers to the questions I seek
And even if I didn’t
Haven’t you proved yourself faithful enough
Time over time
Learned lesson and truth
You are as constant as the stars
And the sunrise each day
Yet I push you away
Your grace is an ocean away
And the world
My hands were held out to you
You’ve pushed them away
You’ve spit in my face
You denied me your touch
And handed me lies for honesty
My transparency
Real was all I ever put up
Its gotten me nowhere
My struggles have brought more questions than answers
More problems than solutions
Why do I feel like I wrestle with You oh God?
Why must I be Jacob?
I wont give in to you
I want the truth
And I wont be satisfied until I get it
What do you want from me?
What do you require?
Who am I anymore?
Who do you say that I am?
Who should I be?
Will I ever be satisfied?
Will you ever forgive me for the transgressions that stain my broken heart
And the lies that cover my head
I’ve profaned your temple
I’ve taken your children farther from you
Yet you still pursue me
And you hold me
Even when I fight
Even when I question
Even when I sale myself out
To Satan’s lies
To darkness’s plans
I don’t understand
But I want to
I yearn to
I need something real
I need you to lead me somewhere
The aloneness is to dark to bear now
To heavy a load to call my home now
Take my hands
Shriving and cold
So alien to loves warmth or touch
And lead me back to where I need to be
Even if I fight you
Even if I try to push you away
Fight for me
Don’t give up on me
Unblind me
Unbind me
Even if I go down kicking
Even if I yell out others names
Love me
Love me
Love me
I want to be a daughter again
I want to be beautiful again
I want to be held again
Is this all to ridiculous?
Are my questions to bold?
Are my struggles to real?
Wrestle with me God if you have to
Just don’t let me go
Don’t let me go too far
Even Further from grace