Speed Racer Fic - What Matters Most
Title: What Matters Most
Characters/Pairings: X/Speed, Racercest
Summary: To say X's motives for starting a relationship with Speed were slightly twisted would probably be an understatement
Genre: Angst, romance
Rating: T (I hope)
A/N: So, after many exams and a four week silence, I have returned! Cue dramatic music XD Beta'd by the ever abused Alichay
He shouldn’t feel guilty about it. He should be dancing for joy that all that he’d dreamed about, and then dared to hope for, had come true. But all he felt was an overwhelming sense of self loathing.
He’d been looking for a way back into Speed’s life for a while now; he’d never really left his world, so he figured all that was left was to wriggle his way back into his heart, just with a new face. However it had proved surprisingly difficult, what with Speed not being the naïve, trusting little boy he remembered and had feared for. Things being the way they were, when he’d seen the opportunity, he’d just gone for it.
He’d originally perceived Speed’s attraction to him as…useful, and Jeez, didn’t that make him sound like a scumbag? But when his little brother had cornered him in the locker room after the race; faced flushed, chest heaving, and lips parted ever so slightly he’d only had a split second to way everything up.
To reject him would’ve been the moral thing to do, but it also would’ve pushed Speed even further away than he was, especially as X couldn’t explain the real reason to him, and that just wasn’t an option. There was also the creepily cunning part of him that figured that sex equalled intimacy, and this was probably the best way he could crawl back into Speed’s love.
But finally, possibly the most persuasive part was the part of him that was just so tired. It was the part of him that questioned what the whole fucking point of what he did, the one that just wanted to stop fighting. It whispered to him; haven’t you denied him long enough? Haven’t you wanted to hold him again ever since you let him go the night you left home? Well, here he is, open to your embrace again. I t just didn’t matter that it was sex, by this point he was just that desperate for Speed to want him again, in any way.
So he’d opened his arms to him, and watched hungrily as his Speed ran back to him, albeit for a different sort of embrace. He’d allowed Speed to grind into him, and to slowly tilt his head up for a kiss, but it had been the little flicker of nervousness in his eyes - the one he’d never seen in Speedy - that had him leaning forward and initiating their kiss.
He’d kissed Speed senseless, ignoring the horrified voice in his head telling him that this was Speedy, that this was his little brother, instead choosing to focus on the individual parts that would arouse him instead of making him feel sick. He’d concentrated on the soft, pink lips that really were as gorgeous as they looked. He’d run his hand through thick, dark hair, and the other down perfectly proportioned thigh. As long as he didn’t think of the person with him as Speed, then he could do this properly, then he could keep him coming back for more. He’d jerked them both off, then sat on the bench with Speed cradled in his arms as they’d recovered. He’d held his little brother for the first time in a decade, and, however much he hated himself for it, that made it all worth it.
Speed had indeed come back for more, and X had been ready for it, studying him as they explored each other for things about Speed that could turn him on and drive him crazy, just so long as they were kept in a separate sphere to Speedy. Speed was obviously attracted to him, so he felt it only fair to the boy to do the same, even if it meant he also had to push away creeping thoughts about whether he was to blame for Speed’s mucked up brother-complex, ‘cause though his face had changed, this was still very much the body of Rex Racer.
It was better this way, he’d tried to justify to himself one night when the full vision of what he was doing had overtaken him. People usually screwed others because they were attracted to them, and love sometimes followed. Speed didn’t need to worry about that, because X had loved him long before the idea of having him had entered his head. An indecently long time in fact, and he’d stopped that thought in its tracts before he had to think about it anymore.
But possibly the worst part of it, he considered miserably, was that he now was attracted to Speed. It was like he’d unconsciously conditioned himself, so that now all those attractive parts came together in his head, and he could no longer separate the from the fact that this was his little brother he was screwing. And it still aroused him like nothing before, still had him moaning in his sheets or shower long after Speed had left, or was due to come.
And however much torment that brought him, he still wouldn’t give it up. Not now, not ever. Because however wrong it was, however sick it made him, or meant he cruelly deceived Speed, the fact remained that he still loved him more than anything. The years without him could hardly be described as living, and the very suggestion of having to continue to live without him now that he’d been brought so close to him again was indescribable. The fates had offered him a way out by offering a way in, and he was too weak a man to say no, no matter how fucked up or deceitful it was. Speed was his again, and really, that was all that mattered.