my love life
People tell me I should not wait for him. They think I’m wasting my time on him. But don’t believe that! I care about him and I don't want to lose him. Not again. We talked for like 5 hours the Tuesday and they r asking me 'y would u talk to someone who broke up with u for 5 hours!' because I care about him! They don't want to c me get hurt again and I don't want to be hurt again either but I won't give up on somebody I care about! I have had that happen too many times in my life and I won't do it to anyone else. He means a lot to me and im not going to let go of him so easily. He makes me feel warm and safe and complete. I can talk to him about anything and I have told him things I haven't even told cc! My best friend! And I have known her longer! He can make me feel better in a matter of seconds. It’s like just hearing his voice calms me down. I think he makes me a better person and I also think he can bring me out of the darkness I live in. he makes me feel loved and cared for when I feel so alone. His friendship is the only one I don't question if he really does likes me or not, like I do with all my other friends. I still don't c y anyone would want to be my friend, but I still don't question his friendship with me.
But I WILL wait for him. I DON'T think I’m wasting my time because I think it is worth the wait. And NO ONE can change my mind about this! I can wait because I think that in the end, everything will be alright. I believe that love will find a way. I have no doubt in it what so ever. And what ever he chooses, as long as he is happy, I will be happy too. Even if it isn't with me.
I have decided not to say the 'l' word out loud anymore until he comes to a decision. I think that is probably for the best. I probably should have stopping a long time ago. I mean it has been more than 3 months we broke up but that doesn't mean my feelings have changed! Because they haven't! I miss him a lot. I want to help him but I don't no what I could do to help him since I no he is confused and probably in pain but if I do anything it might influence his decision and I can't do that because it HAS to come from HIS heart! Not what I want, it has to be what he wants! If he comes back to me, I want him to come back because that is what his heart says to. He has to want to come back and he has to prove to me that he is for real. Because if he comes back and it happens again, I won't wait. I can't handle a on and off relationship. I just won't put my heart though it. It is broke enough as it is. My heart can't handle the brake ups at all.
Until he comes up with a decision, I’m just going to sit in limbo and still be friends with him. I just hope that I can do that because sometimes it is hard. I just want to 'glomp' him online and want him to 'hug' me online instead of 'patting my head'. He did call me tenshi-chan, the nickname he made for me, and as happy I was that he called me tenshi-chan, it hurt. Reminded me of when we dating and how happy I as to be called that and now it just made my heart stop. But that is probably because I now no what chan means now and we aren't together anymore but o well. I just no I’m not going to call him tenma-kun, my nickname for him, until he makes his decision because it is my pet name for him and it feels wrong to call him that when we weren't going out. Until then I’m just going to call him tenma because I love calling him that and I miss calling him that.