Embrace Me
Perhaps it was the abandon and perseverance with which I pursued my own destruction.
Every single night -
Cocaine Tequila more Coke more and more Tequila Fuck Vomit more Tequila Vomit Return to Hotel Pass Out
- Every Single night.
For nearly a year.
Then one night I met someone who seemed too interested. I was about halfway through my night, so I went straight for the cheap sex. No can do though. They sat me down with a beer (I must have been impressed....beer?!?) and spoke to me as if I were perfectly coherent. And I behaved as such. I remember thinking that it was impossible - completely and utterly impossible - for me to be sitting here having a conversation like I'd been sitting at home sucking down lemon Perrier all night. But there I was.
We must have conversed for an hour, maybe longer. We talked of things I knew about...Psychologists and religion briefly. Then suddenly they were gone and I was still sober, staring at an empty chair. I went home, fell asleep and remembered nothing of the incident the next day. I felt like my usual hell in the morning and pucked for about 30 minutes or so before ordering eggs benedict and lemon Perrier from room service.
Life went back to normal for about 2 weeks. Long enough for me to return to the stride of self-destructive bodily abuse with a renewed vigor.
Then one night, there they were. I skipped the hit and went straight for the conversation. My mind craved intelligent, empathic conversation like my body now craved Coke. This time I got lemon Perrier; no beer. (I'm really starting to like lemon Perrier. It's addictive.) They wanted to know why. I knew what they were asking; why run so wildly down the path to my death? I spilled everything from my old life. Except my name...somehow I kept that back. I never told anyone my real name. Ever. Not anymore. When I got to the part about my father's death, they said "That's enough" and were gone.
Now I was really curious. I went to the same bar night after night (never even realizing that I'd been met by They at two different bars. It is obvious to me now that They found me when They wanted to.) hoping They'd return. About a week later, they did.
And They were furious.
They grabbed me by the arms in the middle of the dance floor and pressed their face within an inch of mine.
Why are you waiting for me? How did you remember? Answer me.
I want it to be over and you can do that for me. I know you can. End it.
You don't know what you're saying. You can't even stand straight.
I'm in withdrawal. I haven't had a drink since we last met. No Coke either. I'm sick...but I wanted to prove to you that I am worthy of ..well, whatever it is you'll do to me to End This.
.....You don't understand what you're asking for.
Then make me understand. I'm an intelligent girl. My life has no meaning anymore. You can give it to me. You can change my life. Nothing could be worse than this, than what I am now.
Hhmm...don't be so sure. Come with me.
And that was it.
We went.
And my life ended.
And Danica Alexander was born.
Cute girl.