Reset
Have you ever felt as if someone has hit the “reset” button on your life? Kind of feels as if someone has hit the reset button on my personal life. My relationship ship has started again. From a new beginning. Letting go of all the stresses, suspicions and worries of yesterday. Turning a new leaf and moving forward. Hopefully, together. I love her more than I’ve ever love anyone I’ve been romantically involved with. And to love her, I’ve got to trust her. And if I’m willing to start again, I’m willing to let go of all the bullshit I’ve let cloud my mind in connection to her.
Heather came to visit over the holiday weekend. She got in the night before Thanksgiving, and was here for 5 days. 5 days, and I only saw her once. I’m not upset about it, though. Really doesn’t bother me much, because I really wanted to be alone. And I got that. I needed that. It gave me some direction and allowed me to just be single, silent & simple. No one to entertain, no one to be honest with or listen to. I love my friends, but I’m getting lazy. Starting to pull myself back into my cocoon. Right now, all I really want is to visit my mom, get more rest, read more, get more exercise, eat better, CLEAN MY HOUSE (mainly my room), spend time with Kinetta, find a job I enjoy, and be young. In that exact order.
I’ve learned that while spending all of your time with the person your in love with can feel like the most amazing and comfortable thing in the world….. it can also be like termites in your relationship. If you surround your world around that one person, the foundation your building begins to slip out from under you. The rest of your world starts to become foggy and further away. And the relationship begins to suffocate, and you being to say and do things you really don’t mean. It’s not fair to either person involved. So I’m going to continue to concentrate on Christie, even though I do have my lady back.
I’m feeling guilty for not going to see my mother on Thanksgiving. I don’t know what I was thinking. I told myself that visiting her would be the first thing I did before I ate. But I got so distracted with all that cooking, that I *forgot*. I’m so ashamed to admit that I forgot anything even remotely associated with her. Then to top it off, I had a dream that included her. She and I had a quick conversation about Kinetta. And she asked me if Kinetta was ok. She had come home drunk after a night out in my dream and fell in the shower. She had little blood marks in the shower from where she fell (which was also probably her way of telling me I was about to start my rag), and my mother cleaned it up. Told me not to worry about Kinetta. I think my mom was telling me something through the dream. I think she is telling me that she does like Kinetta. That has been something in the back of my head since I realized I was falling for her. I’ve always wondered what mom would think. And Kinetta’s drinking does worry me a bit. But I’ve picked at her so much about it, I’m hesitant to really comment on it anymore. I think mom was telling me that Kinetta is going to be ok. This is just a rite of passage she’s going through. Something she’ll grow out of and or it will improve with age. It’s to the point that I don’t really drink anymore. Not because of Kinetta. I’m not blaming my lack of desire to drink on Kinetta at all. I think I’m just losing interest in it because of how I see it effecting EVERYONE around me who uses it often. It is really taking it’s toll on Jenny. Alcohol just changes her. As it did my mother, as it does Kinetta. I just don’t really enjoy it anymore. It’s probably just a phase I myself am going through. It just feels like every aspect of my personal life has been reset and is now a bit clearer, stronger and more concrete. I’m feeling better about it all. More confident, and am no longer a ball of worry. I’m what I haven’t been able to say in a while. I’m OK.
Heather came to visit over the holiday weekend. She got in the night before Thanksgiving, and was here for 5 days. 5 days, and I only saw her once. I’m not upset about it, though. Really doesn’t bother me much, because I really wanted to be alone. And I got that. I needed that. It gave me some direction and allowed me to just be single, silent & simple. No one to entertain, no one to be honest with or listen to. I love my friends, but I’m getting lazy. Starting to pull myself back into my cocoon. Right now, all I really want is to visit my mom, get more rest, read more, get more exercise, eat better, CLEAN MY HOUSE (mainly my room), spend time with Kinetta, find a job I enjoy, and be young. In that exact order.
I’ve learned that while spending all of your time with the person your in love with can feel like the most amazing and comfortable thing in the world….. it can also be like termites in your relationship. If you surround your world around that one person, the foundation your building begins to slip out from under you. The rest of your world starts to become foggy and further away. And the relationship begins to suffocate, and you being to say and do things you really don’t mean. It’s not fair to either person involved. So I’m going to continue to concentrate on Christie, even though I do have my lady back.
I’m feeling guilty for not going to see my mother on Thanksgiving. I don’t know what I was thinking. I told myself that visiting her would be the first thing I did before I ate. But I got so distracted with all that cooking, that I *forgot*. I’m so ashamed to admit that I forgot anything even remotely associated with her. Then to top it off, I had a dream that included her. She and I had a quick conversation about Kinetta. And she asked me if Kinetta was ok. She had come home drunk after a night out in my dream and fell in the shower. She had little blood marks in the shower from where she fell (which was also probably her way of telling me I was about to start my rag), and my mother cleaned it up. Told me not to worry about Kinetta. I think my mom was telling me something through the dream. I think she is telling me that she does like Kinetta. That has been something in the back of my head since I realized I was falling for her. I’ve always wondered what mom would think. And Kinetta’s drinking does worry me a bit. But I’ve picked at her so much about it, I’m hesitant to really comment on it anymore. I think mom was telling me that Kinetta is going to be ok. This is just a rite of passage she’s going through. Something she’ll grow out of and or it will improve with age. It’s to the point that I don’t really drink anymore. Not because of Kinetta. I’m not blaming my lack of desire to drink on Kinetta at all. I think I’m just losing interest in it because of how I see it effecting EVERYONE around me who uses it often. It is really taking it’s toll on Jenny. Alcohol just changes her. As it did my mother, as it does Kinetta. I just don’t really enjoy it anymore. It’s probably just a phase I myself am going through. It just feels like every aspect of my personal life has been reset and is now a bit clearer, stronger and more concrete. I’m feeling better about it all. More confident, and am no longer a ball of worry. I’m what I haven’t been able to say in a while. I’m OK.