Breathing In and Out
OK so we ended the speculation. All ties beyond friendship have been severed. I am officially not in his world in that way, and he is not in mine. We are friends who call each other on occasion, and have boundaries. We need effing BOUNDARIES to make sense of how our relationship should be when its healthy. OK, I get it, I was holding on to something that will never be, but in a weird twisted way, I liked holding on to it. I liked having that thought in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, it would all work out for us. I liked believing in the he and I being an "us" someday. I could picture it, granted with a few tweaks on both of our part, but I could. I have never felt so comfortable with someone in my life, like I was with him. And that is something you shouldn't take for granted or ignore. But it was unhealthy.
He gave me no promises, he never expressed anything beyond "I care deeply for you" and his actions didn't really say much beyond that either. I mean what does that MEAN exactly? Come to find out after he talks to my best friend, he really could take it or leave it, he just wants to be friends. He has always felt that way. And when he spoke about a future with me and him, he wasn't really SURE he just wanted the option open and to be BRUTALLY HONEST. Ok really? Really??? Let's be real here. I was a distraction, I was fun, I was a nice thing to think about when you didn't want to think about your own life... hey, but I have this chick that's kinda cool that wants to be with me... I'm sure it helped with all his other feelings of inadequacy floatin' around, I'm sure it was nice to have his feathers and ego fluffed! But that's not all I wanted to be for him. And I should have known. He would say I was completely different than his exes and then detail how all of those things were positive... but he actually COMMITED to them, he never did that with me. Not for real. And now all of a sudden his reason is that he doesn't want to date unless its leading towards marriage? And maybe he COULD be serious about me if I was in a different industry and in the right place for him spiritually. And so the merry-go-round goes......
Honestly, I go back and forth between feeling kicked in the stomach and punched in the chest when I think about it, and feeling like its all for the best. My best friend was like now you are free to really find someone that is crazy about you and appreciates you and cares for you as much as you do them. Great. Now I'm free. But I've lost too. I've lost something that used to be a comfort. That someday happy ending. It's gone. What if I never get it? What if he finds someone and moves on and never thinks about me and what could have been? What if I never find someone that I feel as comfortable and at ease with, as attracted to on so MANY levels, as excited to be around... I mean CLEARLY from our til 6am conversations mean I am not bored by him... and he's not by me... what if I never find that again??? This really is the end.
I just wanted a LITTLE stretch from him, just an "I feel like this..." and have him tell me what's REALLY going on... and instead he told my best friend and it was brutal, and maybe it was the truth, maybe he's fed up, maybe he feels more and thinks it will hurt me... bottom line, it already did from their conversation, what I got out of it, it already did.
He's moving to South Korea. I will miss him so so much. But maybe its for the better. Maybe I'll meet someone or maybe he'll meet someone. Or maybe he will come back and we both will be changed for the better. Who knows. I'm coping. Breathing in and out helps.
He gave me no promises, he never expressed anything beyond "I care deeply for you" and his actions didn't really say much beyond that either. I mean what does that MEAN exactly? Come to find out after he talks to my best friend, he really could take it or leave it, he just wants to be friends. He has always felt that way. And when he spoke about a future with me and him, he wasn't really SURE he just wanted the option open and to be BRUTALLY HONEST. Ok really? Really??? Let's be real here. I was a distraction, I was fun, I was a nice thing to think about when you didn't want to think about your own life... hey, but I have this chick that's kinda cool that wants to be with me... I'm sure it helped with all his other feelings of inadequacy floatin' around, I'm sure it was nice to have his feathers and ego fluffed! But that's not all I wanted to be for him. And I should have known. He would say I was completely different than his exes and then detail how all of those things were positive... but he actually COMMITED to them, he never did that with me. Not for real. And now all of a sudden his reason is that he doesn't want to date unless its leading towards marriage? And maybe he COULD be serious about me if I was in a different industry and in the right place for him spiritually. And so the merry-go-round goes......
Honestly, I go back and forth between feeling kicked in the stomach and punched in the chest when I think about it, and feeling like its all for the best. My best friend was like now you are free to really find someone that is crazy about you and appreciates you and cares for you as much as you do them. Great. Now I'm free. But I've lost too. I've lost something that used to be a comfort. That someday happy ending. It's gone. What if I never get it? What if he finds someone and moves on and never thinks about me and what could have been? What if I never find someone that I feel as comfortable and at ease with, as attracted to on so MANY levels, as excited to be around... I mean CLEARLY from our til 6am conversations mean I am not bored by him... and he's not by me... what if I never find that again??? This really is the end.
I just wanted a LITTLE stretch from him, just an "I feel like this..." and have him tell me what's REALLY going on... and instead he told my best friend and it was brutal, and maybe it was the truth, maybe he's fed up, maybe he feels more and thinks it will hurt me... bottom line, it already did from their conversation, what I got out of it, it already did.
He's moving to South Korea. I will miss him so so much. But maybe its for the better. Maybe I'll meet someone or maybe he'll meet someone. Or maybe he will come back and we both will be changed for the better. Who knows. I'm coping. Breathing in and out helps.