The Irritating Granule of Sand in my Oyster...
hmmmm....
Reflection... we meet again. I don't know why it takes me so long to get around to this but I thouroughly enjoy it when I do! It's late, and the next day in some part of the world and I'm still up. Because I've been really sick recently, I have been forcing myself to do the basics... head to pillow, lights out, lay there until nothing happens! And then sleep would eventually come and my body started to heal from it's quest to hate me and my schedule by acting out. I mean I had to have a shot of steroids to breathe for goodness sake! SUCKED SO BAD. They never tell you that the shot goes in your ass until you've committed.... and then you don't want to be the chicken..... that was a fun day.
Oh right back to my sand granule.... well it's more than one actually, but then that wouldn't be very catchy considering the process.... anywhoha.... I am so restless and ready for anything but what's happening to me right now to take place. I mean I have the inevitable "these are my 20's and therefore this time period will suck for a good amount of time" events that decidedly have been popping up just to test my commitment to sanity. Commited for 23 years now... give or take a few weak moments;) But the truth is that given the expected discomfort aside I really want things right now, that are not happening and yet have been delightfully brought to my attention. (Sidenote: I love how my cousin, after reading about a particularly painful period in my life wrote back something to the effect of "It gets better in your 30's." All I have to say is I love you K, and that is totally my benchmark so if it doesn't I'm coming after you!) I mean my roommate is in her early 30's and so desperate to have that family, that man, that baby that I think it is officially her "It" fashion accessory for all seasons.... I mean the woman wants a child and a man. And I can see myself in that position in a good 7 years. I was at my best friend's wedding last weekend and all I wanted after that amazing time (that started my sickness, ok, not important) was to have the same thing. That is amazing that out of all the people on this Earth she found someone that she loves and loves her to and he was willing to commit his entire LIFE to her, forever. That is HUGE. I mean what are the odds? I have a million people that I deal with or have met or become friends with and I can't imagine being married or wanting to be married to a single one of them. I mean how does this work, exactly??? I mean really, really??? Annoying.
Another thing. I have been unhappy in my spiritual ambiguity so I have taken steps. Nothing major but my mother literally probably dropped to her knees in celebration.... I went to church one Saturday, and it was a good message and the music was even better.... but the whole ceremony of it all felt routine, and like I was digressing to a time when I didn't consciously chose to have a spiritual walk, it just "happened to me" based on my environment. So in some ways it felt wrong to be there. Then woohoo, the wedding stuff and then this past weekend I went to Mosaic with a friend... the most non-traditional, different type of worship that I have ever enountered and I felt like that game where you're getting warmer the closer you get to the prize. I don't think traditional church can feed me, but I can't do without. A lot of my friends are going through things, and my family is varied on this subject as well, but I do believe there is a God. His involvement, his purpose, his level of commitment to me I'm still working out, but I do believe there is a God. And I like being connected to something, and not feeling like I'm floundering out there in the universe all by myself. If humans only had other humans to rely on I would feel so much despair. I mean humankind sucks, the selfishness of people, their greed, the way they resort to operating as "every man for himself" rather than loving each other..... all qualities that humans possess that makes me hope there is someone else that kinda calls the shots. Why the hell he doesn't stop all the shit going on in this world is a bone to pick on another day. But I have just realized, I don't have everything.
I feel like I'm being prepped for something. My dad is living out his hopes and dreams in me right now. And while it's sweet that he is suddenly so in my life and just wanting to help and check in and do things right..... i mean it's helping me have less present Daddy issues, but its not helping me resolve the previous ones. I just can't get as mad at him as I used to be able to when he was absentee. And you need that anger to cut through the bullshit of things and give it up. Oh back to being prepped. My mom is just hoping that I have kids so that she can be there and around and just loving some little babies.... and I know she has been trying to have her own but I feel like she's given up now. And I would REALLY like for her to have some kids already and take the pressure off me to do it within the next 10 years.... I mean come on, the woman neeeeeeds babies. I just wish she would get pregnant with twins already. There are just some things you want to come true for the people you love. And that's my thing for her.
I pick the wrong men. Either they have never been in love with me and I fell anyway, or we were too young and time and space separated us, or I got the wrong impression when he flew out to see me and took me out on elaborate dates and cruising around remote islands in the Mediterraanean (yea still bitter a bit about that one), or they were disgusting pigs who only wanted one thing all the time, OR they were liars and former drug addicts and cheating lying scumbags (hello Spawn, EVIL Spawn), or they were married (yeah) and I didn't know until it was too late. So... ok, I'm looking back at what I just typed and it scares me. But it is all true. I picked them, all of them for some reason I let them come into my life and fuck it up. NOT making that mistake again. I know what I want. It's just a matter of..... well a lot of things... But we're gettin there.
I realized this past weekend that while I may not have the best boundaries and I pick inappropriate men, and I stay in jobs where things suck, and money sucks, and living down here without my family and friends sucks.... BUT, I have a choice to make.
Work with the sand granule or let it break me.
I love pearls.
Reflection... we meet again. I don't know why it takes me so long to get around to this but I thouroughly enjoy it when I do! It's late, and the next day in some part of the world and I'm still up. Because I've been really sick recently, I have been forcing myself to do the basics... head to pillow, lights out, lay there until nothing happens! And then sleep would eventually come and my body started to heal from it's quest to hate me and my schedule by acting out. I mean I had to have a shot of steroids to breathe for goodness sake! SUCKED SO BAD. They never tell you that the shot goes in your ass until you've committed.... and then you don't want to be the chicken..... that was a fun day.
Oh right back to my sand granule.... well it's more than one actually, but then that wouldn't be very catchy considering the process.... anywhoha.... I am so restless and ready for anything but what's happening to me right now to take place. I mean I have the inevitable "these are my 20's and therefore this time period will suck for a good amount of time" events that decidedly have been popping up just to test my commitment to sanity. Commited for 23 years now... give or take a few weak moments;) But the truth is that given the expected discomfort aside I really want things right now, that are not happening and yet have been delightfully brought to my attention. (Sidenote: I love how my cousin, after reading about a particularly painful period in my life wrote back something to the effect of "It gets better in your 30's." All I have to say is I love you K, and that is totally my benchmark so if it doesn't I'm coming after you!) I mean my roommate is in her early 30's and so desperate to have that family, that man, that baby that I think it is officially her "It" fashion accessory for all seasons.... I mean the woman wants a child and a man. And I can see myself in that position in a good 7 years. I was at my best friend's wedding last weekend and all I wanted after that amazing time (that started my sickness, ok, not important) was to have the same thing. That is amazing that out of all the people on this Earth she found someone that she loves and loves her to and he was willing to commit his entire LIFE to her, forever. That is HUGE. I mean what are the odds? I have a million people that I deal with or have met or become friends with and I can't imagine being married or wanting to be married to a single one of them. I mean how does this work, exactly??? I mean really, really??? Annoying.
Another thing. I have been unhappy in my spiritual ambiguity so I have taken steps. Nothing major but my mother literally probably dropped to her knees in celebration.... I went to church one Saturday, and it was a good message and the music was even better.... but the whole ceremony of it all felt routine, and like I was digressing to a time when I didn't consciously chose to have a spiritual walk, it just "happened to me" based on my environment. So in some ways it felt wrong to be there. Then woohoo, the wedding stuff and then this past weekend I went to Mosaic with a friend... the most non-traditional, different type of worship that I have ever enountered and I felt like that game where you're getting warmer the closer you get to the prize. I don't think traditional church can feed me, but I can't do without. A lot of my friends are going through things, and my family is varied on this subject as well, but I do believe there is a God. His involvement, his purpose, his level of commitment to me I'm still working out, but I do believe there is a God. And I like being connected to something, and not feeling like I'm floundering out there in the universe all by myself. If humans only had other humans to rely on I would feel so much despair. I mean humankind sucks, the selfishness of people, their greed, the way they resort to operating as "every man for himself" rather than loving each other..... all qualities that humans possess that makes me hope there is someone else that kinda calls the shots. Why the hell he doesn't stop all the shit going on in this world is a bone to pick on another day. But I have just realized, I don't have everything.
I feel like I'm being prepped for something. My dad is living out his hopes and dreams in me right now. And while it's sweet that he is suddenly so in my life and just wanting to help and check in and do things right..... i mean it's helping me have less present Daddy issues, but its not helping me resolve the previous ones. I just can't get as mad at him as I used to be able to when he was absentee. And you need that anger to cut through the bullshit of things and give it up. Oh back to being prepped. My mom is just hoping that I have kids so that she can be there and around and just loving some little babies.... and I know she has been trying to have her own but I feel like she's given up now. And I would REALLY like for her to have some kids already and take the pressure off me to do it within the next 10 years.... I mean come on, the woman neeeeeeds babies. I just wish she would get pregnant with twins already. There are just some things you want to come true for the people you love. And that's my thing for her.
I pick the wrong men. Either they have never been in love with me and I fell anyway, or we were too young and time and space separated us, or I got the wrong impression when he flew out to see me and took me out on elaborate dates and cruising around remote islands in the Mediterraanean (yea still bitter a bit about that one), or they were disgusting pigs who only wanted one thing all the time, OR they were liars and former drug addicts and cheating lying scumbags (hello Spawn, EVIL Spawn), or they were married (yeah) and I didn't know until it was too late. So... ok, I'm looking back at what I just typed and it scares me. But it is all true. I picked them, all of them for some reason I let them come into my life and fuck it up. NOT making that mistake again. I know what I want. It's just a matter of..... well a lot of things... But we're gettin there.
I realized this past weekend that while I may not have the best boundaries and I pick inappropriate men, and I stay in jobs where things suck, and money sucks, and living down here without my family and friends sucks.... BUT, I have a choice to make.
Work with the sand granule or let it break me.
I love pearls.