(no subject)
I thought it was time for an update, and seeing as it’s a brand new year, it’s very fitting. I don’t have resolutions yet, but at the end of this entry, I might have figured them out.
This was the longest, shortest, strangest year of my life. I have learned so many things, the very first being that sometimes things have to get really really shitty before they can ever be better. In the first six weeks of 2007, I was faced with three unexpected deaths. I first lost my mentor, the person who encouraged me to go to grad school, the person who pointed out the talents I have and cultivated the dedication I now have for a career that I know will bring me a lot of joy. This is the person that looked me dead in the eye during a period of extreme self-doubt and said the words I didn’t know I needed to hear: “You’ve done New York. You’ve been-there, done-that. Do what’s best for you now, and New York will be there whenever-if ever-you decide to return.” I will forever miss Teresa, and I feel her with me whenever I do a close edit.
My grandparents’ subsequent deaths were just as unexpected, and they came with their own set of lessons. It was the first time I actually faced the fact that my family can (and will) die. I took a good look at people that I took for granted. There was so much to learn from them, and I only learned a fraction of it-and only because they passed away. My grandma lived day by day. She made mistakes, she yelled when she was angry and she loved fiercely. My grandpa was patient, funny and he opened his heart to my mom and her siblings and loved them like his own, up to his last day. Their passing forced me to take a good look at what I was doing in my relationships with people. I tried to love fiercely, say more, cry more, but be patient. I don’t know if I accomplished that, or if I ever will, but I am definitely more aware that time is limited, but love is limitless, so long as you use it all up. My mom and I have planned and booked our European vacation and we’re dedicating it to my grandma because she knew life is short, but she never knew how short. And now we do.
My family was in turmoil this year. My mom was hurting, and started a new job in the middle of it. I learned from my mom that we need to face challenges head on, even if we don’t think we’re in the right place for it. My mom has always been courageous to me, but this year really proved how much life she has in her. My dad was literally hurting, too. The toughest two things that could have happened for him, did. He watched my mom fall apart and he got physically hurt and was unable to help his family. I watched my dad love my mom more than I’ve ever witnessed anyone love anyone. Growing up, I always doubted my parents marriage. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because they fought, and I used to think that fighting made a relationship weak. But this last year has made my so grateful for the love that I’ve been in the presence of since even before I was born. Sometimes people fight because they are fighting FOR each other, not against each other. My dad’s back injury was probably the worst thing that could have happened at the worst time. My dad prides himself of being able to take care of us, to be able to fix our cars or pick up our garbage, or take us shopping. Being laid up is his worst nightmare, because he was helpless. Watching him struggle and watching him give in to the surgery was inspiring, because he put his pride aside and relied on us for a change.
My brother grew up and fell on his face. I’ll spare the details because I owe him that. I’ll say, though, that he learned lessons about friends, leases, life and family-the same one’s we’ve all learned. The challenge was letting him fall. We needed to let him, because he has let all of us. I haven’t seen much of my brother this year, but I can tell you that at this year’s end, I feel closer to him and more grateful for him than I have ever felt.
I spent a lot of time in the bar. I don’t really know what to say about it, except that a lot of unexpected things happened, and I needed it. I went through a really strange time this fall, and the bar-not the drinking-was my outlet. I needed to push myself socially in order to realize what true friendship I already am in possession of. I still feel like I am pushing myself, hanging out with different people, and it’s a good place for me to be.
I pruned my friendships. I realized what a mistake I’d made letting Krista creep away again, and I think I finally have made it right. I’ve been spending more time with Anna and Jen. In all, I think I’ve made some big strides in reconnecting with some key people in my life. I’ve diversified as well. Duby and I spend almost every Wednesday night together. It’s not unusual anymore for me to head out on the town or to lunch with someone who’s not in my immediate circle. That’s the Bobbi I used to be, and that’s the Bobbi I’ve become again.
My career has really stepped up. I have gotten some amazing opportunities this year, and recently I have rekindled my passion for what I do. I can’t even imagine who I was professionally when I graduated in ’06. I have learned SO much this year.
I let myself fall. I let myself be attractive and be attracted. I let myself feel. That might not seem like such a feat to some, but for me it was a very substantial part of my year. I kissed boys, I slept with one for six months, I told the truth about how I felt, I kissed them again anyways, regardless of whether I was over it or wanted more. I told my friends what I needed them to know: that I was okay, my heart was okay, but I needed to feel something different. In reflection, I think I needed to feel something different than the hard times I was going through, and I didn’t care if it was a different kind of pain from the pain of unrequited love. I just needed something different. I do not regret a single feeling, conversation, kiss, after-bar sleepover, morning-after do-over, matrixx booty-shaking, week-long obsession or heart-to-heart. Everything I felt, I felt it through. When it comes down to it, I gave them all a try. Everything I did, I needed to do. I didn’t have the intention of no regrets, but at year-end, no regrets is a good place to be. No regrets makes 2008 look pretty promising.
I found an apartment I love. I made it a place that nourishes my soul and makes my friends feel welcome. When I cook, I see tons of pictures of happy memories. When I watch TV or read, there is ambience and more pictures. I am never crabby or ungrateful when I’m home. Home is a good place to be.
I guess I really don’t have any resolutions, which might also be a good place to be. I just want to continue this. I want to appreciate life more, I want to do the things I say I want to do, I want to grow professionally, I want to hold my friends close and be honest with them, I want to allow myself to fall for and kiss boys, I want to retain my self respect, I want to love myself, I want to love others, I want to be happy.
That’s a good one: I want to be happy. I want to always act in my best interest. I resolve to act in my best interest in 2008.