(no subject)
Alright, so this is the new entry. Read the previous one first, thanks.
Today was not a good day. But first--I had a decent weekend. Friday, my mom and I went to Applebees and then to Hello, Dolly, which was a great play. John Pann played a really funny part and had me in a good mood afterward.
Then I made my brother cupcakes for his birthday, which was Saturday. We celebrated at midnight with balloons and presents, because my mom took a last-minute trip with her sisters to Arizona for my grandmother's celebration of life in her community there. They were debating about going because tickets were expensive, but they dropped considerably last friday (like, to $200 from $600) so they went. She was really emotional about missing my brother's birthday, but he didn't mind. I told her that she probably would never regret going but she might regret not going. I talked to her last night and she said it was really emotional, but she felt really good about getting to be there and hear her friends speak about her.
The hardest thing for my mom has been knowing she didn't know her mother as an adult because everyone has been too busy to take the time. My mom has said over and over in the last couple weeks that she feels guilty for never having made the time to go to AZ or Vegas. The sad thing is that my grandparents bought a house in Ishpeming so that they could spend summers with their children, and my whole family was really looking forward to it.
It's hard to watch my mom go through this because I have no words of comfort. My thoughts are this: these regrets are what make up life. They are our past trying to take over the future. We can only remember my grandma for the vibrant soul that she was and live our lives like she did: in the moment, enjoying the day, laughing at ourselves and working hard. We have to take the regrets that we feel towards what could/should/would have been and apply them to the future. We have to spend time with the people we love and make the time. I honestly believe that if we do this, we are doing what would make my grandmother happy.
Okay, so my mom left on Saturday and then I got ready to go out to dinner with a bunch of people at the Vierling. It was nice to have Kyle and Mike Parks there--its nice to be able to sit down at a table with people you've known forever (and it was a good mix, too) and just be yourself, order wine, eat food, talk about life, learn about each others career-tracks and just breathe. And then apparently get wasted, because that's what ended up happening.
So Sunday was a hungover waste of time, and I really think it was due to (in addition to a few Red-Headed Sluts) mixing wine and liquor. It was a nasty little headache.
So today, I woke up and went to work. I was a little off--you know, I hate what I'm wearing, my hair doesn't look nice, I have a zit, I have the same damn headache I've had for two weeks because the UP weather can't decide what the fuck it wants--those kind of things.
Well that somehow turned into a terrible anxious feeling that lasted the entire day. It was really out-of-body--just plain not feeling like myself. Luckily I know now that its just hormones or just a bad day and I can kind of talk myself through it. I felt a little on the verge of tears, even though nothing was really wrong. I think I just miss my mom and want life to be back to normal.
That's all I can really think of. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm going to step aerobics at the Y and then going to work. My boss asked if we could go out to lunch to catch up and talk about what I wanted out of the rest of my internship, which I was really happy to hear. She asked if I would make the commitment to staying through the summer, which is just fate, I feel. I needed employment this summer because all the job opportunities start in the fall. However, I am going to ask to make some changes. I want more grant experience, even if its in grant management, even if I have to shadow our grant coordinator without pay a couple hours a week. I would like to be more involved with some of the grant writing, even if its editing and researching and not necessarily writing. And I'm also going to ask for a different title, so that it looks like I worked my way up a little bit. Even if we knock the 'intern' off of 'content development intern,' i would be happy.
I think that she'll agree to all of these things. We probably need to work out some budget issues and whatnot, but I think it can be done so that both sides are happy.
I think that's it. I just hate February. Its such a pointless, dark month, void of meaning. What happens in February? Valentines Day? Snow? Darkness? Dry skin? Blahness.
Today was not a good day. But first--I had a decent weekend. Friday, my mom and I went to Applebees and then to Hello, Dolly, which was a great play. John Pann played a really funny part and had me in a good mood afterward.
Then I made my brother cupcakes for his birthday, which was Saturday. We celebrated at midnight with balloons and presents, because my mom took a last-minute trip with her sisters to Arizona for my grandmother's celebration of life in her community there. They were debating about going because tickets were expensive, but they dropped considerably last friday (like, to $200 from $600) so they went. She was really emotional about missing my brother's birthday, but he didn't mind. I told her that she probably would never regret going but she might regret not going. I talked to her last night and she said it was really emotional, but she felt really good about getting to be there and hear her friends speak about her.
The hardest thing for my mom has been knowing she didn't know her mother as an adult because everyone has been too busy to take the time. My mom has said over and over in the last couple weeks that she feels guilty for never having made the time to go to AZ or Vegas. The sad thing is that my grandparents bought a house in Ishpeming so that they could spend summers with their children, and my whole family was really looking forward to it.
It's hard to watch my mom go through this because I have no words of comfort. My thoughts are this: these regrets are what make up life. They are our past trying to take over the future. We can only remember my grandma for the vibrant soul that she was and live our lives like she did: in the moment, enjoying the day, laughing at ourselves and working hard. We have to take the regrets that we feel towards what could/should/would have been and apply them to the future. We have to spend time with the people we love and make the time. I honestly believe that if we do this, we are doing what would make my grandmother happy.
Okay, so my mom left on Saturday and then I got ready to go out to dinner with a bunch of people at the Vierling. It was nice to have Kyle and Mike Parks there--its nice to be able to sit down at a table with people you've known forever (and it was a good mix, too) and just be yourself, order wine, eat food, talk about life, learn about each others career-tracks and just breathe. And then apparently get wasted, because that's what ended up happening.
So Sunday was a hungover waste of time, and I really think it was due to (in addition to a few Red-Headed Sluts) mixing wine and liquor. It was a nasty little headache.
So today, I woke up and went to work. I was a little off--you know, I hate what I'm wearing, my hair doesn't look nice, I have a zit, I have the same damn headache I've had for two weeks because the UP weather can't decide what the fuck it wants--those kind of things.
Well that somehow turned into a terrible anxious feeling that lasted the entire day. It was really out-of-body--just plain not feeling like myself. Luckily I know now that its just hormones or just a bad day and I can kind of talk myself through it. I felt a little on the verge of tears, even though nothing was really wrong. I think I just miss my mom and want life to be back to normal.
That's all I can really think of. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm going to step aerobics at the Y and then going to work. My boss asked if we could go out to lunch to catch up and talk about what I wanted out of the rest of my internship, which I was really happy to hear. She asked if I would make the commitment to staying through the summer, which is just fate, I feel. I needed employment this summer because all the job opportunities start in the fall. However, I am going to ask to make some changes. I want more grant experience, even if its in grant management, even if I have to shadow our grant coordinator without pay a couple hours a week. I would like to be more involved with some of the grant writing, even if its editing and researching and not necessarily writing. And I'm also going to ask for a different title, so that it looks like I worked my way up a little bit. Even if we knock the 'intern' off of 'content development intern,' i would be happy.
I think that she'll agree to all of these things. We probably need to work out some budget issues and whatnot, but I think it can be done so that both sides are happy.
I think that's it. I just hate February. Its such a pointless, dark month, void of meaning. What happens in February? Valentines Day? Snow? Darkness? Dry skin? Blahness.