Reflection...
I usually NEVER do this, but I'm unlocking this entry. For some reason, I don't feel that this particular thinking process, while very personal, needs to be locked. So, right now, I'll unlock it. I don't know if I'll keep it this way, but....
So much is going on, and whether or not I have any control, things will happen. We could go in for the sono, and immediately be sent to the hospital... or we could go in for the sono, and be told that we have to come back next week to see if we are going to be induced, or or or or or or... well, I just don't know. Part of that is exciting, and I embrace the idea of something totally wonderful happening for us that we have no control over... the surprise... and at the same time, it is unsettling to me, since I thrive on control.
As I type this, Lexie is moving around, making my nightshirt dance across my belly. This time tomorrow, she might be moving outside of me. My stomach, which has been baby-filled for so long, might be deflated 24 or less hours from now. The control over her safety that I've had all along might not be there anymore when she is free of the confines of my body. How will I handle this? Is tonight the last night I'll be the only one who knows when she is awake, happy, agitated, and hungry? Is this the last night I'll feel her move inside my skin?
Will she find comfort in her Daddy's arms, just as I do? Will it warm or break my heart the first time she is put in his arms? Will I be able to hand her over to other people, when for so long, I've been the only one to hold her? Am I terribly selfish for even feeling this way? For feeling as though I want to keep her to myself forever, even though so many people await her arrival? To want more time with her before she comes out into this big world? I want to be able to prepare her for what she will see and experience out here. God. I want soooo much to have her out, so that Kev can enjoy meeting and getting to know his daughter, but at the same time, if we have to wait a little longer, I will not be too upset. I feel horrible for feeling this way.
This could be my last night as a pregnant woman.
September 15th, my life changed in a way I'm only now understanding. Finding out that I'm with child that Saturday scared me, and excited me at the same time... but that shock did not prepare me for what I'm feeling right now.
I'm going to be a MOM.
I'm having a DAUGHTER.
My husband is going to be a DAD.
My cats will have a HUMAN CHILD to contend with for attention.
This all seems so grown up... so permanent... so exciting... so scary...
If someone had told me when I was 17 that at 27, the person I was dating would NOW be the joyful and excited Daddy who is laying in our bed... that after 6 years of marriage, and one miscarriage, I would be a MOM who HAPPILY will stay home to take care of our baby... that after more than 9 years together, I'd love my husband with every fiber of my being, so much that if I wasn't able to be near him, my heart would ache... that my life would be as it is now... well, I don't think that the April of 10 years ago would have believed all of this.
What a difference 10 years makes.
So much is going on, and whether or not I have any control, things will happen. We could go in for the sono, and immediately be sent to the hospital... or we could go in for the sono, and be told that we have to come back next week to see if we are going to be induced, or or or or or or... well, I just don't know. Part of that is exciting, and I embrace the idea of something totally wonderful happening for us that we have no control over... the surprise... and at the same time, it is unsettling to me, since I thrive on control.
As I type this, Lexie is moving around, making my nightshirt dance across my belly. This time tomorrow, she might be moving outside of me. My stomach, which has been baby-filled for so long, might be deflated 24 or less hours from now. The control over her safety that I've had all along might not be there anymore when she is free of the confines of my body. How will I handle this? Is tonight the last night I'll be the only one who knows when she is awake, happy, agitated, and hungry? Is this the last night I'll feel her move inside my skin?
Will she find comfort in her Daddy's arms, just as I do? Will it warm or break my heart the first time she is put in his arms? Will I be able to hand her over to other people, when for so long, I've been the only one to hold her? Am I terribly selfish for even feeling this way? For feeling as though I want to keep her to myself forever, even though so many people await her arrival? To want more time with her before she comes out into this big world? I want to be able to prepare her for what she will see and experience out here. God. I want soooo much to have her out, so that Kev can enjoy meeting and getting to know his daughter, but at the same time, if we have to wait a little longer, I will not be too upset. I feel horrible for feeling this way.
This could be my last night as a pregnant woman.
September 15th, my life changed in a way I'm only now understanding. Finding out that I'm with child that Saturday scared me, and excited me at the same time... but that shock did not prepare me for what I'm feeling right now.
I'm going to be a MOM.
I'm having a DAUGHTER.
My husband is going to be a DAD.
My cats will have a HUMAN CHILD to contend with for attention.
This all seems so grown up... so permanent... so exciting... so scary...
If someone had told me when I was 17 that at 27, the person I was dating would NOW be the joyful and excited Daddy who is laying in our bed... that after 6 years of marriage, and one miscarriage, I would be a MOM who HAPPILY will stay home to take care of our baby... that after more than 9 years together, I'd love my husband with every fiber of my being, so much that if I wasn't able to be near him, my heart would ache... that my life would be as it is now... well, I don't think that the April of 10 years ago would have believed all of this.
What a difference 10 years makes.