Talking To Myself
There ought to be an edict of restraint on heartache. A written law allowing you to cry yourself to sleep - but only for three weeks. That after fifty days you will no longer "hear" him calling you. That you will not be fined if you feel the need to set aside photographs, letters, and other memorabillas; go out with friends - old and new - and talk about other things because it breaks you apart in ways you can't explain nor comprehend to talk about him. That it's alright to count the days passed apart, the way you once fonly meansured months elapsed together.
Heartache is a complex thing - a complex emotion. You breakdown everywhere - while talking to friends or family about the most unrelated subject or topic, or while listening to deafening silence, or while doing a paper on "The Impact of the Frontier on the Formation of the American Identity and Culture." You are happy one moment and bawling over a ham and cheese sandwich the next. You are angry one moment and don't give a damn the next. You fill your time with all activities possible even if it means exhausting yourself to death, if only so there would be no time left for you to think and dwell. Heartache is intriguing. It is confusing. It is a paradox.
Then one day, you suddenly realize you no longer cling onto your mobile phone as if it supplied you with oxygen. You no longer wake up reaching out for it, expecting a "good morning" text, and no longer wait for a "sleep tight" at night. YOu realize that you yearn for a connection no more. You slowly come to terms with the fact that there is nothing to hold on to - it IS over. You start to feel at ease once more with standing alone.
I don't claim to be an expert. I'm not saying I got it all under control. Hell no. I can't even honestly say "I'm over it - I'm over him." Because in my heart I know I'm not. I don't know when I can talk to him without feeling like crap again. I don't know when I'll be able to say hello again without wanting him to stay and say something more than hello back. I don't know when the feelings and conflicting emotions will completely go away.
But one thing I do know. I do know, that things will happen around you, and things will happen to you. But in the end, the only things that are really going to matter are those that happen IN you. So as much as you want to drown yourself in self-pity cos you have been left alone in the world, fact is, it continues to revolve, and you continue to exist in it. Look around you. And you will realize life doesn't end with a break up. Sometimes it even starts with it. And though at first life may seem unchanging, one day you will wake up, look at yourself, and realize how much pain time has weathered.
Heartache is a complex thing - a complex emotion. You breakdown everywhere - while talking to friends or family about the most unrelated subject or topic, or while listening to deafening silence, or while doing a paper on "The Impact of the Frontier on the Formation of the American Identity and Culture." You are happy one moment and bawling over a ham and cheese sandwich the next. You are angry one moment and don't give a damn the next. You fill your time with all activities possible even if it means exhausting yourself to death, if only so there would be no time left for you to think and dwell. Heartache is intriguing. It is confusing. It is a paradox.
Then one day, you suddenly realize you no longer cling onto your mobile phone as if it supplied you with oxygen. You no longer wake up reaching out for it, expecting a "good morning" text, and no longer wait for a "sleep tight" at night. YOu realize that you yearn for a connection no more. You slowly come to terms with the fact that there is nothing to hold on to - it IS over. You start to feel at ease once more with standing alone.
I don't claim to be an expert. I'm not saying I got it all under control. Hell no. I can't even honestly say "I'm over it - I'm over him." Because in my heart I know I'm not. I don't know when I can talk to him without feeling like crap again. I don't know when I'll be able to say hello again without wanting him to stay and say something more than hello back. I don't know when the feelings and conflicting emotions will completely go away.
But one thing I do know. I do know, that things will happen around you, and things will happen to you. But in the end, the only things that are really going to matter are those that happen IN you. So as much as you want to drown yourself in self-pity cos you have been left alone in the world, fact is, it continues to revolve, and you continue to exist in it. Look around you. And you will realize life doesn't end with a break up. Sometimes it even starts with it. And though at first life may seem unchanging, one day you will wake up, look at yourself, and realize how much pain time has weathered.