Jun 02, 2005 22:35
the past couple of nights, i've been having trouble sleeping. i'd lie awake in bed for what always seems like eternity. and all these thoughts come to my head. most of the time, i think about things on purpose: where the head goes in the quatre-passe portion of cygnets... how i should position my arms in the flick front-flick side-pirouette from fifth portion of the waltz... the sequence of steps in act four... what subjects i should take this term... what i'm going to wear tomorrow... where, aside from ballet, am i going tomorrow... and then, because we humans were designed in such a way that we can't always decite what we're going to remember and what we're going to forget, sometimes, i think about things i'd rather not think about: when i fell during a performance in ATC... ex-boyfriends... my 3.0 in economics... seeing **** and stuttering in answering a simple, "hey!"... my disapproved ateneo appeal and going through all the gates to get into ua&p... my joe penguin entry and the whole story behind it...
it's annoying, i tell you. it's like my mind goes on autopilot and thinks on its own. maybe at certain points of the night, i actually fall asleep and i just can't distinguish sleep from wakefulness. at any rate, i guess jostein gaarder is right in saying dreaming is just like thinking. how my mind thinks on its own is just like dreaming i guess since when we dream, we can't exactly choose what to dream, right? well, okay, i don't know about others, but that's how it is with me. thing is, since dreams come from our subconscious, ideally, we should be able to control it, right? we should be able to block nightmares out because they originate from our own consciousness. there should always be an emergency exit at the movies, after all. and it's a known fact that some people are actually able to do the lucid dreaming thing. now i don't know if lucid dreamers can exit the dream sequence at will. but see, i can't even CONTROL my freakin' dreams. i don't dig that whole lucid dreaming gig. and i guess, assuming those who CAN are only able to CONTROL the dream and not actually EXIT it, we can say that since this movie house is our own mind and soul, which also means it is also the director of the movie, it's pretty impossible to actually HAVE an emergency exit. because we can't escape from ourselves. or maybe, as jostein gaarder suggests, that's exactly what we do! we bite our own tails until we scream and have heart attacks from the pain and terror of it all.
when i was younger, i always questioned why we needed to dream. when i got a nightmare, i'd whine about why we can't just sleep without dreaming? okay, yes, of course that happens. actually, no, i take it back. it probably doesn't. we probably dream all the time but just can't remember what we dreamt of when we wake up. i think that's what they said in psych, too. so back to my question... why do we need to dream? now i realize, maybe we need to dream because even if we can't exactly choose what to dream, there's a 50-50 chance that we dream of something nice, right? and when we feel like our world's turning upside down and going to the dogs, it's just nice to dream of something nice. it keeps us from getting heart attacks and dementia.
hey... what if our whole life was just a dream? what happens when we wake up?
oh god, i'm getting a migraine. i should take benadryl or something.
random thoughts,
monologues